Butthurt Bernie: How To Be A Dictator

in #comedyopenmic2 years ago

Now we all know that @berniesanders is a tinpot dictator, however I thought he could do with some tips to help him get himself to gold standard despotism.


Order me some more dogs, I have people I need to feed to them

1. Crush Dissent

All dictators know that one of the best ways to keep control is to have everyone agree with you. Or at least stop anyone from openly disagreeing with you.

This is because as a dictator your ego is naturally fragile. You worry that people are saying horrible things behind your back because of the fact that you're not a very nice human being.

Don't worry though, you can prop up that fragile ego by simply crushing anyone who disagrees with you. This has two benefits, firstly you don't have to deal with the person disagreeing anymore, secondly it will scare off others who might be thinking about doing the same.

Unfortunately for you (luckily for us!) you do not have a secret service or totalitarian army at your fingertips, but you do have the Steemit flag. It's not quite as satisfying as feeding someone to the dogs, but hey, you gotta work with what you've got right?

2. Make Your Enemy Our Enemy

Being a dictator will gain you many enemies, all of whom will have very good reasons for hating you. What's more, they'll be able to articulate their hatred satirically in an entertaining and persuasive manner. Which of course, will make you look like a petty-minded fool.

The best way to deal with that is to do what dictators have done throughout history, make your enemies the people's enemies. Whether it was Hitler and the Jews, or Kim Jong Il and the Americans, dictators the world over have made sure that if they don't like someone or something, nobody else is allowed to like that thing.

Unfortunately for you, you're not powerful enough to send someone to a gulag or have them shot for disagreeing with you. But you can flag them for talking to someone you don't like. It's a great tactic, I mean it makes you look like a complete bully arsehat, but everyone will be too scared to tell you, so win-win!!

Woot woot!

3. Do Batshit Crazy Stuff: Crush Anyone Who Doesn't Approve

Saparmurat Niyazov, Turkmenistan's self-declared President for life decided to rename all of the months of the year and most of the days of the week, even naming one of them after his dog.

Anybody who disapproved either publicly or privately was jailed, thrown to the dogs and/or shot. This is the kind of irrational self-absorbed behaviour that you need to indulge in if you're going to be seriously regarded as the number one Steemit Dictator.

As mentioned before your powers in real life are somewhat diminutive, however you can post single words, or even better just post punctuation, like a full stop (period) or a comma.

Then if someone questions why you are raping the reward pool by voting yourself up after posting a full stop, you can crush them, well you can't, but you can pretend that flagging them is the same as kneeling them down in front of a firing squad and shooting them in the back of the head.

4. Create Enemies Of The State

You may confuse this with point number 2 Make Your Enemy Our Enemy, however this acts as more of an addendum to that.

Once you have clearly told people who not to like, make stuff up about them using a negative buzzword. For instance anyone who opposes you is a leech. That way it appears that the only people who disagree with you are leeches.

Even though this won't actually work to change people's minds about you (they'll still think you're a dick), you can fool yourself into thinking that everyone sees you as the benevolent saviour of the system, when in fact the exact opposite is true!

5. Use The Word Crush As Much As Possible

You may notice that I have used the word crush quite a lot in this article. That's because crush is the favourite term for the dictator-about-town.

By overusing the word crush, you are sending out a clear unambiguous signal to everyone, that you're a dictator now, and you're not to be fucked with.

Here are a few ways you might use it:

"I will crush you."

"I will crush you like a cockroach"

"If you talk to me again you will be crushed"

"Do not dare to gaze upon my magnificent form or I shall crush you in my iron fist."

...and so on.

6. Get A Silly Haircut

This is probably the easiest to do, yet the most important. Since the dawn of time, dictators have had stupid hair, leading some to question; what came first, the ridiculous haircut or the dictator?

Anyway it's a prerequisite to joining the dictator club, you need a silly haircut.

My advice is to get drunk, like really, phone-your-ex-girlfriend-at-2am-drunk, then grab a pair of rusty scissors and do it yourself, using an old photograph instead of a mirror.


So there you have it, the complete guide to being a Steemit dictator, hopefully you'll follow along and become the Dear Leader we all know you can be...

Oh no wait!

I've just realised you do all these things already, oops silly me.



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