Off With Her Head - Comedy Open Mic Round 16

in #comedyopenmic4 years ago (edited)

Apparently @mourningnoodles wanted us to come back and prove how hillbilly we could be, so here goes...

It's well into good laying weather and our ladies haven't really picked up the pace yet.

One of them is eating all of the food, scratch, greens and mealworm treats and not putting out the chicken gold.

Well, not anymore.

One of these broads is not pulling her weight.

Do you want to know how I know?

I hear you questioning what the problem is.
That's the problem. 1/3 size eggs, but full-size egg rations.

We're not running a welfare program here. We need to figure out which one is not towing the line and dispatch her immediately. Let's crunch the numbers here.
egg cost.jpg

So $.24 is the cost of a regular egg and this lazy hen is giving 1/3 of an egg, so we're losing $.16 an egg, at four a week, we could lose $33.28 per year. That's a huge percentage of our cost.

Yes, I know they're cute, but that doesn't matter. This is all about cost-effectiveness. We run a tight ship around here and don't have room for freeloaders. Oh, I know. They would look absolutely adorable if you put a baby chick with them and took Easter photos for Pixabay or something, but that doesn't pay the bills. It's a free site. No, I don't have small children that I could make a little breakfast for. That ship has sailed, but you're right. That would be pretty memorable when they grew up and told the story at their wedding about how much their parents loved them and how creative we are.

Stop getting me off track. Google Photos made me this animation which I thought was frivolous at first, but then saw something that helps me narrow it down.

Notice anything?

The two barred-rock are pretty industrious, but the two red chickens don't really do much. They just wait for me to hand feed them!

Not today.

Now we just have to narrow it down, but how? Build a blind in the coop and wait there all day? Can't do that. I have to work. Great idea though.

Oh, I got it. A trail cam. Actually, I'll need two, so I can hide them in both laying boxes. There's a deal on Amazon right now. Two for $172. I think I'll order those and catch the loafer in action.

Wish me luck!

This is our entry for Comedy Open Mic and we nominate @goldendawne and @mountainjewel to get out here and rep the homestead community with their funnyniss?

You can check out the latest round at

Hold on!

The brains of the operation just informed me that we are not spending $172 to possibly save $30, and reminded me that the dogs have never given us one egg and eat about $840 a year worth of food.

Hmmm. Well, back to the old drawing board. I guess I'll have to figure out another way to scam a couple of trail cams.


You got to get yourself a cock. A good cock will double your production very quickly.

Hmmmm, I don't know how to respond to this with a family friendly reply, except to quote Mr. Moore, my high school shop teacher:

"it's not the size of the bow that determines the quality of the fiddle."

Also, we would draw the ire of our neighbours. One of whom is the bylaw officer that is feigning ignorance as long as nobody complains.

Yeah... I am familiar with neighborhood chicken rules. Thanks for this entry. I hope to see more like it. Good to meet you.

What I replied to @acolucky! Lol

You got a regular mystery on your hands. Great post @granolalight!

Thanks, @mourningnoodles. We'll get it figured out eventually.

I suggest you eat the dogs if they are not cost effective. Then you have no choice but to buy the camera for security reasons.

I like your logic. I don't like eating dogs. Probably.

Who am I kidding? They're probably delicious.

Come on, Dover. It's treat time.

Summer specialty. You don't have to like it but I can see your point.

Ghandi said: "The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated."

So I suggest a tender recipe.

damn brains always pointing out them grains of truth. i really enjoyed this mix of hen science sarcasm

Oh, see you have a brains too.

Thanks, Butty Buttenheim

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