Comedy Open Mic Round #10: An Australian conversation.

in #comedyopenmic3 years ago (edited)

Hello everyone,

Since I got nominated by @diebitch and @comedyopenmic themselves, I felt like I was kind of obligated to at least put in the ffort to be somewhat funny. Normally I don't write comedy, but this was a nice opportunity to dip my feet into my funny pool.

So I started thinking of all the things that crack em up easily, and besides Idols/X-factor auditions and stupid poo and pee jokes, I quickly thaught of the Australian slang. If I'm feeling down, a quick video of Ozzy Man Reviews cheers me up right away. So for my first entry I tried to honor this beautiful language in my following short story. Note that I have no idea what I'm talking about. I've made this story with the help of my Australian guides mentioned at the end of this post. Enjoy!

An Australian conversation.

The Aussie flag

I’ve had enough now. With wide steps I walk forward toward the fuckwit standing with my sheila. I grab him by the shoulder and turn him around.

“Aye, mate! I’m done with this. Stop cracking on my girlfriend already, aight?”

The guy frowns and starts laughing. “Your sheila, fella? As far as I know, she is ready for grabs… So rack off, wanker!”

He pushes me back with both hands and for a second I lose my balance. The bloke turns around again and continues his conversation.
I shuffle a few steps back before regaining control. If this wanker wants to shit up some creek, he can have it. I won’t let him push me away like I’m some sort of mozzie he wanted to get rid off. Fuck this fuckwit. I rush back in.

“You fucking ratbag drongo! I’m not done with you. If you want a barney, you can have one, you hear me?”

The sheila backs off a few steps. “Uhhh guys, I’m going to the shithouse for a second. See you in a bit.”

The fella’s face turns red as he once again turns toward me. “You fucking cocksucker! I’ve had fucking enough! You really think you’re such a ripper bloke huh? I’ve been talking with this sheila for over thirty minutes already. I’ve put in the hard yakka to get into that beautiful red g-banger of hers. What the fuck is your fucking problem you piece of shit fucking dumb cunt?” He takes a step forward. We’re now face to face.

“Thirty minutes you say? That’s nothing you lazy bludger! I’ve been doovalacking with this chick for more than eight months, you hear me? She’s a fucking rag, you numb cunt! You’ve been talking with her for thirty minutes and I already can see the pash rash all over your face. You’re pathetic.”

Silence. The bloke seems a little startled as he backs off a bit. I take a deep breath.

“I know mate. I’m sorry I have to block your wedding tackle like this. That pommie spit the dummy with me as well. It was kind of a tosser move, but I wanted to lag you about her.”

He rubs his forehead as he takes a sip of his stubby . “Gee-whiz mate. I really thought you were treating me like an asshole cunt… But banging with a tart like that… Goddamnit...”

I reach out to him. “Right-o mate…. Let’s go to the bottle-o, take a couple of tinnies and get pissed off, what’cha think?”

He spits in front of my boots and leaves for the exit. “Piss off you little cocksucker. I’ll get full as a boot by myself. Hooroo, motherfucker!”

“Choo choo, cheeky cunt!”

What a wanker.

That's it! I hope you enjoyed this beautiful, profound piece of fiction. Thanks to @diebitch and @comedyopenmic for nominating me. I've had a great time making this story. I hope you had as many laughs while reading it as I did writing it. I nominate @Woodzi and @tarazkp.

See you next time!

  • Tuwore.

Margot Robbie as my personal teacher
The Australian slang dictionairy


Maaaaaate, you're going off like a frog in a sock!

the best comment here!

Poor bloke! 8 months with a tart and he's after drinks with his competition! Couldn't not read this in an accent if I tried haha

Haha, writing in Aussie slang without being an Aussie was a challenge, but reading the words "dumb cunt" without the Australian accent is simply impossible :D

Google Translate could not tell me what this means
"If you want a barney, you can have one, you hear me?”

Maybe the sources can! A barney = a fight according to the australian dictionairy.

Get into a barney is the same as getting into a blue if that helps. Well, not a blue as in a redhead or a true blue blue but a blue like a barney.

Is this English? Lol, wut?

Let me get this straight: these guys are after the last piece of cheese at the business meeting snack bar?

What's the deal, what are the guidelines?

I resteemed the contest rules. Basically there are no rules, and you just have to try and be funny. Just use the comedyopenmic tag, use the right title format, and nominate 2 other people. That's it :).

Hi @tarazkp.

click here for the rules.

I love it. I am sharing this with my good Australian friend. Thanks so much for the morning laugh. I found you through the #payitforward contest. You were featured by @hetty-rowan. Congratulations and best wishes.

I want to say I understand what I just read. I really, really want to. But, wot? Even with the accent... wut? She actually would say "shithouse"? Hahaha.

That's fine Anike, I don't know what I wrote either so I guess it makes sense :D. According to the Aussie slang dictionairy, I was allowed to use "shithouse" so I had to implement it into the story.

An alternative then... Just for shits and giggles.

Sheila goes out durries instead
Old mate describes the other fella as "built like a brick shithouse".

Great post that was fun.

Oh my god. "Built like a brick shithouse." I'd be shitting myself laughing if someone said that.

Even though I am not Australian this was the first one I read today that honestly made me laugh.

very funny! I found you through the #payitforward contest! keep up the good work!

Good on ya! Was she good for the root?