Us Irish Are Shit At Social Distancing
A part of my job entails going around with contractors and engineers looking at what needs to be fixed. Normally in Ireland you get a handshake ,a slap on the arm , a hug or even a feel of the old balls (if you really know them )as a greeting by these 50 plus year old contractors.
In recent days, on their arrival it is a standoff like two cowboys about to dual.Cue good bad and ugly song. They ring the bell on the door and run away from it as if a bomb is about to explode. Meanwhile I open the door and determine whether Jimmy, ,Johnny,Paddy or Tommy have a dry cough that could wipe out the father and mother and my entire family that has an underlying illness. The wife is preggers as well and she would haunt me if I gave her anything. I break the ice by making a joke about social distancing and everyone laughs the three laughs needed to confirm they heard it even though it is not funny but the crap joke sets out the guidelines for the upcoming walk to whatever is broken.
Now heres the thing, mid inspection the contractors are forgetting about the whole social distancing and are reverting to type and getting closer to me. Showing me photos on their phone of some broken pipe. I then mid conversation have to take a step back without making it obvious that I am trying to back away from them.
They realise what I am doing and they take a step back too. Me not listening to a word they are saying focusing solely on the effort to get away from Jimmy who on quite another of occasions tells me the news and the weather. I then bump into Paddy who I didn't see behind me and the whole social distancing descends into an epic mess by getting more closely to Paddy than I have ever been.
Today I went to the supermarket after work. It was all lovely social distancing with square quadrants so only one person could be in a box at the same time. Me being the nerd took a photo of the said quadrants. Good job though. Fair play to them.
But just like a motorway there are slow shoppers and fast shoppers. A fast shopper tried to overtake my quadrant and made a dash for it believing that I was the actual Corona Virus. He dashed so fast that he ended up bumping into a little card tower sticking out of the side of the shelf and it sent him careering into the shite opposite. I stayed in my quadrant until the chap brushed himself down and made off with his tail between his legs. There wasn't many times where I could just look and stare but this time I was allowed by the rules of social distancing. Ah it was great watching him panicing picking up the aerosol cans.
The Irish aren't that great at social distancing . We are trying but forget so they closed the pubs to make us have a good think about things. The old people are the worst. Stay in.
But I'l just go to the pub for one and I will speak to no man
Dad , for feck sake , you are 80
We should be wrapping you up in cotton wool you gobshite.
Now sit down there and Il put on game of thrones for yourself and mam. And don't come out until the Battle of Winterfell in a couple of weeks time. True story by the way. Keeping the father alive is costing me a bomb.