An Open Transmission to the Crooked, Lying, and Whiny Farm Boy.
Greetings loyal followers.
This is my feline named Padme. She will scratch your freaking face off if you cross her. That is why I like her. I treat animals well... except for ewoks. Those I eat well... done.
My executive assistant Vera, who is the epitome of integrity, has informed me that the whiny little farm boy is spewing hypocrisy all over the universe. The Empire has intercepted the following transmission...
"Luke would never do this?" You freaking did it! Don't deny it! It's right there in the documentary known as Star Wars. You know you did it. Everyone knows you did it. And yet you deny that you "would do it". You were recorded doing it and yet you insist that you didn't. Are you saying the transmission is fake? You even admitted last year that the video was real. Are you insane, a liar, or do you have dementia?
Why is your nickname on Earth "Mar Camel"? I believe a "camel" is some sort of desert creature on this primitive planet and "mar" means to disfigure or scar. The inhabitants of that blue rock are calling you an "animal disfigurer" right to your stupid scarred face and you are too much of a moron to notice. Loser!
You are about to cut down a mouse in cold blood. Real heroic you crooked farm boy! Terrible!
Next you say that the Wampa is like a "hungry bear" and you should have just "scared him off". Look, I know you are incredibly weak when it comes to dealing with enemies, but come on. We all know you love killing animals. In fact, some would say it is one of your favorite pastimes.
Before I continue burying you in alternative facts, I'd like to mention how delicious that wampa arm looks. I don't know if @justjenn is anywhere near as talented as @gringalicious, but from the looks of that picture, she can whip up a mean wampa arm. I wonder what she could do with an ewok arm?
Oh my Maker. Just looking at this is making my mouth water... which can be a problem because if I do that too much in this helmet I might drown.
Anyway, back to the crooked farm boy.
The disembodied voice in the transmission mocks you and calls "Camel" an "animal lover".
Let me remind everyone how much you "love" animals.
First of all, I don't know what you do to cows to make them so sad that they produce blue milk... but you are clearly very good at it. There seemed to be no shortage of depressed cow juice at your "moisture farm" (translation "drug front").
You bragged to all of your new buddies how you "...used to bull's-eye womp rats in my T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two meters." So you murdered cute little womp rats for fun. And I'm the bad guy? I know you were questioned about this sadistic behavior. How convenient that on that now famous Life Day 'interrogation' with no swearing in and no recording, you lied many times...and nothing happened to you? If I did that, people would be calling for my beautiful head in a fire. Rigged system, or just a double standard?
By the way, speaking of Life Day, I would like to take this opportunity to wish all of my followers a Force-filled Life Day. I'm sure the whiny farm boy would prefer I wish everyone a happy life/death/in limbo/clinically brain dead day, but I am not Pathetically Calibrated like that. It's "Life" Day. If you don't celebrate "Life" day, then you are wrong. You suck. So who cares what you think when I say it to you?
Back to the "animal lover" wacky Mar Camel.
Do you remember the dianoga? Danny (that was his name) was that adorable creature who got lost and became trapped in a trash compactor. When you found him, he was so happy that he gave you a big hug. And what did you do? You had that scruffy looking scoundrel you run with shoot him. One second, he was overjoyed at the idea of being free. The next second... he's freaking dead. Good thing you didn't "love" that animal any more. You would have ripped out his eye and spit down his neck.
Don't hug this whiny farm boy. If you do, he'll have his friend shoot you.
Of course there is the incident in question. You were recorded cutting off an innocent wampa's arm. You even admit that, "Wampa was hungry (not EVIL)". And yet you cut off his freaking arm. We better warn the humans to keep those adorable polar bears away from you. The Maker only knows what you would do to them if given half the chance. You might just "love" their heads right off.
I will admit that there is obviously one animal you do truly love... Tauntauns. You love them so much that you are just fine with your nerf-herding friend turning one into a sleeping bag for you any time your itty, bitty, toesies get too cold. You slept inside a living creature and never mentioned anything about it.
Nothing says "animal lover" more than living inside the dead carcass of one.
Hey animal expert, I have a question for you. What do you think lives in a swamp? That's right! Animals! And what did you do the first time you saw a swamp? That's also correct! You dropped a freaking star ship into it. You knew you couldn't lift the ship. You even whined "Moving stones around is one thing. But this is totally different." Then you said, "Alright I'll give it a try." You knew damn well that you were going to drop that ship. Did you think about all of the animals you "love" who would be crushed by your failure? No! You just did it. You killed all of those creatures and no one said anything. No justice!
Do you remember this being?
This is Doug before he encountered the "animal lover".
Do you think Doug had many friends in the world? Of course not. He had exactly one. His name was Randy and he was a beautiful animal. Doug got Randy when he was just a youngling. He fed him, cared for him and raised him into a wonderful companion.
Then the one time you met Doug's best friend Randy, what did you do? You murdered him! Just like you murder almost every animal you encounter. If you "loved" animals any more, there would be none left!
This is Doug after encountering Mar Camel.
I will say this: crooked Mar Camel killed many times and nothing happened to him. I think it’s a shame. He lied many times. Nothing happened to him. It’s very unfair.
Oh you thought I was finished?
You "love" animals right?
Are humanoids animals?
How many freaking animals do you think you murdered when you did this...
You ended approximately 1.2 MILLION lives that day you monster! I know you only "love" animals so perhaps you don't care about the humanoids you murdered. But allow me to inform you of something. Some of them had pets.
So Mar Camel, tell everyone again how much of an "animal lover" you are.
Now a final plea to my loyal followers...
There is so much GUILT by Rebels/Camel, and now the facts are pouring out. DO SOMETHING!
I have sent a special transmission to my most loyal followers. You can find it on this frequency: @lord-vader. Although the transmissions sent to this frequency will be brief, they will be extremely powerful and amazing (like everything I do).