in #health4 years ago (edited)

Hey Steemers,

In the interest of full disclosure, I feel I need to share something. Everything I post on this page is crafted. It is honest, always, but also written with intentional artistry. I try to make my words sound beautiful, which affects how my story is communicated. I don't think there's anything wrong with this, but I wanted to share a more vulnerable side. The remainder of this piece will consist of quotes transcribed directly from my journal. They are the raw truth.

I struggle with an eating disorder
(7/23/17) "I would like to feel like my own ally, like someone who is on the same side as their body. It is not me vs. 'the possibility of becoming fat', with my body in cahoots against me. I'm in intuitive with other people and with myself, but I allow the disordered thoughts to change my behavior. I allow the anxiety to make me act in controlling ways and resist my natural hunger, exhaustion, ect. My default state is resistance to and distrust of my body's natural signals. It knows better than I do what it needs. Let go. It will be okay."

I struggle to see myself as loveable to the people around me
(8/3/17) "I need to learn to own my actions. I have done nothing wrong. I'm a good person with good intentions. Also, don't be so god damn neurotic. I have anxiety, yes, but I've allowed it to infiltrate how I think about my relationships... It is narcissistic and unnecessary to make oneself the victim. Acknowledge that my struggles and fears are nothing in the grand scheme of things and that I should be grateful that I have been dealt my particular hand."

I am trying to practice gratitude
(8/3/17) "My survival, shelter, connection, ect needs are all met. That is an amazing thing to acknowledge. The fact that I contend with the top of the hierarchy of needs indicates this. I will spend my life attempting to love myself, but I will also spend it fed, clothed, challenged, inspired, connected, and fulfilled. I love knowing that and taking comfort in it. With it comes a responsibility to love on those around me, and to attempt to contribute to rather than detract from the good of others. I'm in love with the people in my life and the memories I have- I will spend my whole life thanking the universe for that."

I am a recovering addict of external validation
(8/25/17) "Why is it that I feel the constant desire to be told that I am loved and doing okay? Why do I seek that out with the desperation of a black hole? Whatever I'm looking for will not be satisfied by others, I won't feel more okay until my love for myself is unconditional. Let's work on THAT."

I struggle with anxiety
(9/23/17) "I feel so judged, evaluated, ect. by most of the people in my life- even those I am "close" to. I am sure a lot of it is self- created and born of anxiety, but it feels so real. It makes me evaluate and overanalyze my choices, keeping me from being present. Which inhibits connection. Which perpetuates the cycle. It doesn't usually feel like explaining the anxiety results in understanding, connection, or closeness but rather a distancing. I feel pity and a lack of understanding from friends, and also it feels like an excuse/crutch."

These are unedited thoughts, straight from brain to pen. I hope that they will serve as a metaphor for all the messiness in our lives. Because THAT is the damn truth. Not some eloquent recreation of it.


Thanks for showing up and being vulnerable.

It looks like you have a keen awareness and ability to recognize where you're at and where you want to go. My bet would be that you'll make it there, especially since you also have presence enough to be embracing gratitude even as you find your way.

I'm happy you're here owning your truth, even if it is as messy as the rest of us!

PS - That first picture is amazing!

Ah, thank you! I have just scoped out a sample of your pieces and have loved them thus far! I have followed you and look forward to reading more.

That picture, I know! I found that heart offering on a trail near my home (Northern CA) and fell in love.

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed them :)

beautifully put and truly from the head to the pen... what i love about your post is the images attached to it... nice photos... good write up and wonderful @danigirl
keep keeping it real and simple! always here to support

Ah, thank you! the photos are from some beautiful times in my life, so I am immensely grateful for the chance to share them. I so appreciate your continued support!

Welcome as always and am also happy for your support and comments in my blog too... Updated today also...let's keep steeming hot 😋

@danigirl Wow, I thought I was just clicking a regular photo post not a journal entry. I'm glad I did take the time to look at this.

Thank you for sharing the beautiful pictures and your journal entries. It takes a lot to do so, to stand and bear the raw and naked truth. I will try not to pick and analyze your words. Just know that it takes a strong person to do what you did. For that I am thankful that I found this post.

I am so grateful for your response @oceanrift. Thank you for taking the time to engage with something I was so nervous to post. I have gone through and looked at some of your work- thank you for what you contribute to this community!

Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle and you are going strong with that that's what make you the best :) The struggle is real but the end result of it is beautiful.

I so agree. In the challenging moments, we learn the most.

A very lovely place I like it.

Nice post ...I upvote u if u like my post plZ upvote me

Congratulations! This post has been randomly Resteemed!

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This takes REAL courage, to share your diary/journal entries with the world.
Please do not ever be so down on yourself, there is always (unfortunately ) somenoe else going through the same thoughts/experiences You are NEVER alone. When you need to talk to someone..don't wait DO IT.
upvoted & resteemed

Why thank you, friend. My intention here is just to show the unbeautiful side of struggle- to quit with the romanticizing that well crafted posts can promote. I feel so supported by this community, and I appreciate it from you.

Oh my, what a truly brutal and honest post. A rare thing indeed.
I don't have anything that I could say that would help you with the feeling you are so obviously struggling with except you are loved. Anyone who can write a post bearing their soul in the way you have here deserves the love of this amazing Steemit community. I hope you have the right circle of freinds to help you get through to the other side babe ❤️🤗🌹

Having someone reach out through this community is more than enough! And I have nothing to complain about- just sharing the unedited struggling and musing of being a human. I so appreciate you!

@danigirl Its very interesting info.. Wonderful post keep it up.

Good post! I’m sure you will continue to shoot more.