Pretty sad how this comment of yours here made my brand spankin' new Sarcasm Detector 3000 — unboxed and plugged into the wall only seconds ago — explode into thousands of tiny springs, cogs, and tiny worker robots resembling ants. It took all morning to assemble properly if you include the three hours I spent on technical support hotline hold listening to Aerosmith's I Don't Want to Miss a Thing on repeat until finally some dude suggested I blow into it like a Nintendo cartridge. The cloud of smoke set off the sprinklers and I don't have any clean towels because tomorrow is laundry day, not today. I may have to sue, I just don't know who yet. Someone's gonna pay though. Can someone here please remind me why I chose to live today? Had I known this would all suck so bad here on my end, I would have pounced on this crazy contraption at the first sign of imminent doom, saving you all from the shrapnel that is my fucked up life.