Looking back and thinking

This evening I took a short walk. I needed to walk because I was restless inside and I think if I stay until. But I can probably go crazy. I walked a few kilometers where the sun had set and the sky had turned orange-red. I walked until it was dark. All the color was gone and I was still restless but at least a little more calm. I needed that.

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My camera would take my mind off to take a couple of pictures. Well I don’t want to tell the truth of what I actually want to say. But let me just say that I needed my mind to be blank for a while and a few pictures. Alas, who am I kidding, it didn't work out at all!

I spent almost the whole day alone and uttered only a few words throughout the day. I had nothing to say. And there wasn’t much chance to say it either. So silence ensued and my thoughts were my only companion.

The problem is they are not the best company from time to time - my thoughts I planned to talk. However, it did not work. I had these thoughts about it. Not so good and so I thought I was going on a trip. I went with the intention of watching the sunset.

I read a quote today and was thinking about it while walking this evening.

Don't look back, you're not going that way.

Simple, that's not deep, just true. The problem is looking back, or at least thinking back. Something that we all do or should do! I don’t believe people who say they won’t look back, it’s just not possible.

We are all a product of our past and think back to who we are part of who we are in our past experiences. Learned from actions and attitudes and they agreed to build us as people today. Even if the events of the past were painful, dark, harmful or disgusting. They are all parts of us, although the parts we want to keep locked up do not want to see or see or think again.

I, too, like the past, like most, and tonight it came to meet me; This is certainly not welcome. But it does come up sometimes, often in the most abusive moments, sometimes I’m sick-equipped to deal with it. The idiom of this little box is that I close it and it spreads in my brain, in my heart and it throws out my feelings that I can’t feel or assume that I am not fully capable. But so far I’ve been lucky to be able to do it and it was no different than tonight. Many are not so lucky.

I like to think that I am a good person and most of the time I was. Kind, generous, humble, humble, hardworking, a good friend, respected, brave and courageous when needed, protected by nature. But I am flawed and broken. Sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart and just need someone to catch a few pieces and have to give them back again. Maybe help me put them together. I needed it tonight but it wasn't possible. So I thought as I walked to the front.

I took these pictures while I was walking tonight but it wasn’t about photography. To me, a poor photographer, it’s often not about the final product as an average. The acting sun moves west and to other parts of the world just to take shots and visit the beach.

The light changes exactly as I set it, of course I like the colors but the way the light gives darkness. A completion. This is a spectacular one. Although I find it quite the opposite, I still don’t find it unusual. I see it as reset. Opportunities for new beginnings, new opportunities, even if it’s just sunrise tomorrow. A new day and a chance to lock those thoughts in that box again, maybe for a day or so.

Just love me, put my hands around you and keep me together otherwise I will fall apart.

I told someone who loves me very much. It’s funny because that person doesn’t know why my parts fall off. Only they do it sometimes. I'm not very good at sharing my past. I’m not sure though it’s important to be honest, the response said it all.

You won't be disconnected just because I'm not going anywhere.

And just in case the box is closed and will remain so. At least until next time.

I spent a few moments each day thinking of something I was grateful for. I woke up, made sure I wasn't dead, and then a few things I thought were valuable and very happy in my life. One of the people I mentioned above. I have a better life, understand my feelings and why I keep them. In most cases, how to deal with adversity and how to live with a lot of care for others. There are some people around me who have never been able to describe the meaning of my weak words and they are there when I need them, even if they don't know they are helping me, they are there.

Thinking back helps me know who I am now and what it looks like when I look ahead and who I am now. I will go to some stage in the future - maybe tomorrow or next year, next year. I don’t know Don and it doesn’t matter. I'll get there though.

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