The day I thought I was dead

in OCDlast year


A part of the painting that I'm currently working on... I mean, kinda abandoned it. But it should be finished in early February.

Here's another episode of me talking about my dreams again. In my previous posts for the past few months, I started having more vivid dreams to the point that it happens every time that I sleep. So vivid that I still remember them no matter how much I've slept.

This dream yesterday though, was so weird.

It started at the mall. I was just walking there, looking for some hair clips to buy. I went from one section to another, until I met an old friend. It wasn't specific who the old friend was but I knew in my dream that it was an old friend. Anyway, we said our hellos. He was with his friends and they were talking while I was looking at some items in that particular section. Then he pulled out his gun from his bag all of a sudden and his friends were like "oh no, you won't".

I slowly walked away and weird enough I thought about getting my clothes somewhere cos I was naked lol. I remained calm and started putting on clothes when all of a sudden, the lights flickered, a signal that the shooting is starting.

That old friend of mine started shooting people. People were running and screaming while he shot them down. He went to my area and one of the guys recognized him as one of his friends, too. He spared that one.

He started walking around me, and I was just there standing, not doing anything. I was thinking he won't shoot me because we were friends. Then he stopped in front of me and pointed the gun at me.

I looked at him with disbelief. He looked at me like he didn't know me at all. 3 seconds later, he shot me in the head.

That moment, I felt the bullet straight into my head. Even though I've never experienced getting shot, it was that realistic that the feeling was there.

While still having a vision, I slowly fell to the ground.

The shooter went away from me now but I still could see as if I'm looking through my soul. Of course, I felt weird because I'm dead, I'm not supposed to have a vision anymore lol.

I got up and started questioning myself if this was a dream or if I'm actually dead. This was when the scary part happened.

I couldn't wake up.

In every lucid dream, I could easily wake myself up. Sometimes even when I don't want to wake up yet. This time, I was already lucid dreaming but I couldn't wake myself up that I started to think that I was actually dead.

I felt a bit of sadness in me and was just saying sorry to the people that I've left.

Anyway, I went out of the mall and started inspecting my surroundings for any signs of dreaming. Nothing. They all looked real. I looked at my hands as well, they were extremely real. In every dream, our hands will most likely be distorted or will look weird. In my dream, it wasn't. So I was getting really worried about why I can't wake myself up.

I roamed around the area and looked at a mirror. I looked normal there as well for fuck's sake. No distortions, no nothing. Then there was this old man who noticed me and wanted to shake my hand. Since I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or not, I declined his hand shake cos who knows that might be some shit and would take me to some other dimension or something LOL.

I tried looking for my friend's apartment. I wanted to see this friend of mine because I know he'd be the person who could tell me if I'm actually dead or just dreaming weird shit. Just consider him the psychic one and the one who does magic.

Anywayyyyy, I don't know where his apartment was lol. I just knew it is located somewhere near a specific landmark so I went there. I walked around the neighborhood but still couldn't find him. I mean, of course, I've never been to his apartment lol but I was hoping he'd sensed that I was looking for him or something.

I was roaming around for what felt like 20 minutes, while still trying to wake myself up and exit the dream. I was in the whole dream for about 40 minutes already... and still wasn't able to wake up that I was starting to accept that I'm already dead.

I thought of trying to log in on some phone and call myself so I would wake up in real life cos of the ringing but couldn't find one.

It felt like I was just there, being trapped. With no escape.

Then I remember this one technique that you could do in dreams so you would go into astral traveling mode.

I went to the rooftop of a high building. Thought of myself if this didn't wake me up... then it's the end.

I jumped from the building while facing the sky, then I felt myself finally waking up. I was paralyzed for a few seconds then I finally woke up.

When I woke up, I was scared and just started crying. I was thinking how could a dream let me get this far and why was I having a hard time waking up. My waking life is not that good and I wish they were better.. then there's this sleep that has been shitty all the time. I wanted sleep as an escape but it just became another problem of mine.

I think I would prefer monsters-chasing-me-nightmares because I could wake up from it easily since extreme emotions wake us up. But this one is just pure shit.

I knew of some cases where healthy people went to sleep but didn't wake up. My friend was one of them. Of course, nobody would know the reason since we cannot ask them what happened. I was afraid I was one of them.

What if I didn't wake up from that dream? Would I eventually lose my body functions and just get stuck in that dream world? Is my mind that fucked up that consciousness is harder to get?

There are things that we don't know for sure.. But I sure know I don't want that to happen to me again.


I either haven't had any dreams lately or I just don't remember any of them anymore. It's been a long time but I can remember some of the dreams I used to have.

There was one goofy dream I had more than once, and in it, the toilets were out in the open, and if I had to go, there were people walking around where I'd have to go and I couldn't understand why they had to be like that! :)

I've thought about trying to lucid dream, but I'm afraid I'd have an experience similar to what yours was like. Hell, in real life I'm not even totally sure I'm alive, because of close calls I've had in the past. I think this might be a dream, LOL!

Great post!

I think we all dream but just don't remember, that's what I've read at least. LOL! I saw a post once that said: "When you see a toilet in your dreams, do not use it!" - I do agree with it hahaha or you might risk yourself peeing on bed :P

Oh usually lucid dreams are fun! Cos you can fly, jump high, punch random people, become anything you want... Well, I do understand you're afraid and I certainly don't wish this to happen to you.

Speaking of which, I've had dreams of me Steeming as well. Or chatting in Discord hahah. So this might just be your dream as well :P

You know, that's interesting about the toilet and dreams, because when my sister and I were young children, my sister had big bed-wetting problems, and I never did. Of course, I didn't understand why she had the problem. But now I wonder if the dreams with the toilets were my body sending me a message that I should wake up and go use the bathroom!

Yeah the positive aspects of lucid dreams are certainly alluring, so there's really a battle going on in my head. :)

Wow, what an ordeal 😳

@tipu curate

Thank you! :D Yeah, it sucks

beautiful! Thanks for sharing

Maybe your displeasure with waking life carries over... That's tough. And although my life isn't perfect, I've wanted to remember a lucid dream for as long as I can remember.
-I even tattooed "Am I dreaming?" on my right thigh right where I can see it staring up at me...
I'll take stumbling across your blog as a sign that it's time to get back to work!
peace and blessings.

Much more to come.

I do believe it reflects my waking life.. just have to find what's causing it to address the problem. Yeah I heard constantly asking yourself if you're dreaming or not can help you become lucid.. I hope you get to do it soon though. It can be really fun especially the flying part.

Beautiful portraiture. Love the style.

To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.

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