I WANT TO SMILE
Spending time alone in my boarding house. The surrounding is so quiet, I can't hear a sound from the people or vehicles. I picked up my phone and used the Facebook app. I kept scrolling what to see that interest me. After for just a minute, I felt bored already.
I then visited the photos in my Facebook. The photos that were uploaded last year or the year before last. While I was watching it, I don't understand but my tears suddenly fell. Why it fell? Maybe I just miss those wonderful memories that I wish to do it again. I wish that I can still experience it because I'm starting to be afraid of what my situation right now.
As I was watching the images. I realised that it's been a long time since that first time I joined together with the younger people. I felt really happy with them. I was hesitate at first because of the age difference. I was afraid that those eyes will criticise me for being with these young people. I was reluctant to join the fun but they forced me to does the same like them.
I have no idea but my confidence suddenly went up. It feels like I have no reason to be ashamed of myself. I have what it takes to have fun like them. Then I said to myself, "who cares, it's about me, not about them." I began to idolised myself in my own way. I started thinking that I'm important with them. They always want me to be with them. When they have plans they always ask me to come along.
I was very flattered of it. Sometimes I wanted to refuse because I'm really shy. I'm shy because it's not right for me to join that time. To be precise, it's about the debut of one of the youngster. I was afraid to join because I know some people knows me will say "why I'm there joining them." I'm correct, some of them said like that according to my friend as well. But I just ignore it and made my self enjoying that time.
Now, I'm in a scary place and can't go home. I can see them but it's getting dark to be with them again. As I looked back of how I was yesterday. I suddenly felt sad because I think it's impossible for now. I want to see that smile that I once had but I couldn't do it. I keep on asking myself. "Why would I be happy right now? There's no assurance that you can still do it again."
Then, the lonely part that is with me inside came out. The other part of me devouring the happy me back then. He keep on showing the dark world again. No matter how I want to escape because I want to find light. There's no way to find it, he keep on blocking it. I think there's nothing to do for now but back the old me. Get inside in a small and dark place alone.
Maybe I will just stay here until the world will be back to normal. I don't want to move or open my eyes. There is no difference anyway if I will open my eyes. The surrounding still dark and scary like when the storm roaming around. Even though I'm thinking like this. I'm still hoping that tomorrow will be a different day from yesterday. I hope everything will be alright because I want to smile.
thank you for reading
images are mine