Psychology Addict # 36 | Shaun the Sheep & Marriage

in #psychology3 years ago (edited)

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Shaun the Sheep is an animated movie by Nick Park. It tells the story of Shaun’s and the farmer’s daily life. A life that they also share with other animals in a beautiful farm. At the beginning everything was pure laughter and joy; but as time went on their routine became dull and overwhelming. On one side, the farmer went into an autopilot mode, where he strictly followed the same rituals every single day. On the other, Shaun reached his limit and felt a need to ‘fix things’.

If you have been on a stable relationship for quite a while it is very likely you will find this chain of events rather familiar. As someone who has been married for over 13 years, I have observed this in my own relationship as well as in those of family and friends. From here, based on what I have been able to observe, things can unfold in two different ways: number 1, the couple address their issues. Number 2, they keep going by inertia.

Don’t be too quick to judge which option is the best one. In my own family I have seen a couple break up exactly because they decided to address their issues. I have also seen others just letting things be and live together forever-ever-after. Regarding this last scenario, whether they lived in contentment or not; this is only for them to judge. Although, I feel compelled to add here that research conducted among couples that manage to make their marriage work, unveiled that avoiding conflict is not one of their ‘techniques’1.

Then, Let’s Talk About Option 1 - Addressing Issues

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Shaun had been feeling disconnected from the farmer, who at the beginning was more sharing and engaging. The farmer had become too submerged in his own thoughts and duties. Times of joy and fun now were something that existed only in Shaun’s wishes. But Shaun wanted all that back in real life. He had to do something about it! Unfortunately, though, it was exactly when Shaun decided to tackle what he perceived as a problem in their routine that things became laborious.

Productive communication is a hard task, one that becomes pretty much impossible in emotionally-charged situations. And the fact that men and women experience sadness and fear differently doesn’t make matters easy [2]. This is perhaps one of the reasons why when couples need to have a talk and things become heated, the woman releases her frustrations through tears and the man through anger. I put money down that you have had one or two of these conversations in the past (I did); you will probably remember that some of the things that were said are not exactly flattering. But there is yet another tricky task: accepting criticism.

Pause for Reflection - Take a minute to think about the way you dealt with the last criticism you received from your spouse. How did you react?

1 – Abi, I got all defensive. 😲
2 – Abi, I adopted a more humble reaction. 😃

Neither Fight, Nor Flight

Last time my husband criticised me I was already highly-strung. I, then, promptly replied ‘give me an example’ He gave me two. He was prepared for the conversation. I wasn’t. He was Shaun, I was the Farmer! He had adopted a harsh-start (that is not a good move). You will agree with me that is much nicer to hear ‘I love when you take a break and we can spend time together’; than ‘You never take time off’. The former indicates warmth, the latter feels like an attack.

Still, my husband is a smart man, he wisely stopped there and gave me a little break to take things in. This is truly important and it contributes greatly towards a peaceful end to the conversation. After all, a discussion doesn’t need to end on bad terms. Actually, it shouldn’t.

Through his 40 year research on couples’ relationships in the love lab - Psychologist Dr. J.M. Gottman found that it comes to a point where a heated dialogue ought to stop, he concluded that when heart rate reaches 100bpm no one is listening to what the other is saying anymore 2. When the flight or fight response kicks in things become counterproductive.

And here is a piece of information that the ladies out there might find useful: Men need a longer break to calm themselves down. Also, their stress system is more reactive then ours [3]. This is a manufacturing fault. So, please ladies feel free to forward your complaint to Mrs. Evolution. 😛

The Individual – The Heart of the Matter

In his work Dr. Gottman argues that personality issues do not play a significant role in making things difficult in a relationship [4]. I have my reservations about this finding. For example, there are so many times spouse A can say to spouse B ‘Baby, can you please mow the lawn?’ until it becomes ‘For the love of Christ! Will you EVER mow the damn lawn?’. If spouse ‘B’ rates quite low in the conscientiousness dimension of personality things are likely to spiral downward from here. And, in my opinion, unlike Dr. Gottman puts it, this is not about how things were addressed to begin with. Even the most patient of people will begin to resent things at some stage. Everyone has a limit!

So, keep you level of conscientiousness in check.

Resolving One’s Personal Issues First

Before being a couple, each and every one of us is an individual bearing specific emotional struggles that have nothing to do with our actual relationship. Troubling past events, upsetting memories, the way we relate to others and to the environment are some examples. This is where an important fine line needs to be drawn: the line that establishes the difference between bringing external problems to your marriage & turning to your spouse for advice/help. The former is a big no, no for all the obvious reasons. As for the latter, research shows that this is something that helps couples to assemble connection, which in turn ignites romance and, therefore, promotes intimacy 5.

But, back to solving personal issues... Take Tracey and Ian, for example, Ian is a highly agreeable man. Tracey is efficient and tough. She is good for Ian. Because of her, Ian finally got going and bought an apartment, finished a specialization and lost weight. Sadly, after 4 years together Tracey came to me complaining about Ian ‘I wish him to be different. I wish he weren’t so complacent.’ I couldn’t help but challenge her mindset ‘it was exactly because he is “easy-going” that you told me you fell for him. When and why that became a problem?’

Looking inwards, from time to time, is an essential requirement for a long-term harmonious relationship. This allows you to keep in touch with your weaknesses and strengths. Praise yourself for all the things you have done that have positively contributed to your personal and marital growth. Then, turn to your spouse for help with improving your weaknesses. Tracey has a lot to praise herself for. But, is she too demanding? Are her expectations unreasonable? She could always approach Ian and discuss this with him.

But pleeease spouse, when your wife/husband turns to you; turn the TV off, put the phone away. Show kindness and respect in return of what you have been entrusted with (his/her subjective well-being). This will only make your other-half think of you and reach out for you over and over again. Do you remember what I said before? This paves the way to connection, romance and intimacy. After all, an estranged partner does not inspire demonstrations of affection.

That is What I Attempted to Do

Heart rate down, a quick reflection and a couple of deep breaths later I pronounced to my husband ‘You are correct. What can I do to make things better?’ My husband backed down and changed his tone. Now, a productive conversation could take place. He had a plan, which I was eager to listen. It didn’t take long for me to start teasing him and for him to make fun of my quirks.

In his laboratory, Dr. Gottman observed a very interesting thing. He noticed that what makes marriage work is not how often a couple argues. Rather, it is how they manage to turn around the issue that caused the conflict 6. Whether that takes a day or a week, it depends on each couple. However, the key here is to not let things drag on for too long; otherwise a pattern of negative thinking sets in (things get that much more complicated when this happens). Please note, that turning things around has a lot to do with they way the couple argues. Hence, avoiding cynicism, sarcasm, disrespectful remarks and tuning out is a smart move.

Further, it is extremely important for both wife and husband to know that there are certain issues that cannot be completely solved. These are mostly related with one spouse wishing to change the other. Like Tracey and Ian, from before. Self-awareness, respect and trust are fundamental in such situations. Both wife and husband not only need to learn to live harmoniously with each other’s differences; but also, make the most out of them. If you think he is too agreeable. Well, start to see him as the best partner you can have to work on shared goals. Change your outlook. Don’t allow your mind to turn towards bitterness. That is a rocky road.

I am sure, by now, you know this is done by means of addressing your own personal issues, right?

Self-Evaluation

I have come across people who have never questioned their own behaviour or mindset before. Some of them were as old as 70. Those individuals, I noticed, share a few things in common, with the most relevant of them being: family problems. Those people perpetually place the reason of their anguish upon others. They often reside in a world of bitterness, deception and arrogance. By the way, that is a world that we all visit from time to time in our lives. No one escapes it. But the secret is in not becoming a permanent resident there.

Just in case you are one of those people – who never questioned their own behaviour – and needs a little help with self-evaluation; here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

Do you have habits that are negative to your psychological and physical health? ✤ Are you at peace with yourself? ✤ Are you living in resentment? ✤ Do you treat people with respect? ✤ When was the last time you made a mistake? ✤ Do you work cooperatively with your spouse towards building a secure future for the family? ✤

Remember, you are not alone. You have a wife/husband to turn to.

It is as heart-breaking to read studies that reveal the harsh consequences of a tension-ridden marriage - namely, substance abuse, heart disease and depression 7 – as it is to learn that divorces happen more because people don’t want to discuss things than because of the actual arguments 8.

I believe this has a lot to do with the fact that one or both parts fail to work on themselves as individuals to begin with.

A Happy End at the Farm

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As for Shaun, things paid off for him in the end. He sure had his fair share of hardship whilst trying to make things right and just for everyone. Over and over again he seemed defeated by the circumstances, he fought his fears, he made an escape from what was suffocating him, he observed his family and reflected about what was happening. Shaun tirelessly resorted to his endless creativity and ingenuity. He took one step at a time, and was fuelled by genuine love and kindness; but, what helped him the most in keep going was the fact that he had a clear picture of what he wanted for himself and his family. That was his goal. One in which life encompassed, harmony, laughter, respect, gratitude and affection (well, at least most of the time).


Reference List:

2,3 - Barker, M. Vossler, A. Langdridge, D. (2010) ‘Sociocultural Issues’ in Barker, M. Vossler, A. Langdridge, D. (eds) Understandying Counselling and Psychotherapy, London, Sage Publications, pp. 211-232.

1,4,5,6,7,8 - Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Shaun the Sheep

Image source: 1 + Background from Bannersnack , 2, 3, 4,5, 6, 7


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Dear Reader,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. There are a lot of questions here for you today. I would love to hear which one made you reflect a little about things.

All the best to you always 😊

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This is quite deep and fun to read as well. I don't think I have spent enough time in my own marriage to be able to advise anyone. Thirteen years is indeed something and by no means a great achievement in this present world.

However, one thing keeps me going with my marriage. I always see my spouse as imperfect and keep reminding myself why I married her in the first place each time things want to move south. Love is not really about all the positive attributes of your spouse, but those imperfections you have chosen to tolerate in him/her.

I think marriages fail because people believe more in falling in love than growing in love. Falling in love could be for a short term but growing in love has no time limit.

Thanks for sharing this Abii. Lots of love from here.

Hello @gentleshaid :)

It looks like you are inspired today! I truly like your approach of growing in love; and of course, the means you resort to make it possible 'remind yourself why you got married in first place'.

You are right. People often are unrealistic about the expectations they have from their partners and fail terribly in dealing with their flaws. But than again, when one cannot deal with one's very own imperfections, how can one deal what that of others?

Thank you for stopping by and adding this important insight to our discussion :)

Lots of love to you and your family!

YOu are welcome Abii.

hello dear abi the truth very interesting your subject and therefore any resemblance to reality is pure coincidence. most of the relationships go through this type of inconvenience that at the moment does not seem bad, but over time they begin to weigh in the relationship. that's why after years there are breaks or simple conformism.

hello hello ... oh my god I'm super delayed ... it's too much to say that this is another of the excellent topics on which you hit the spot, as it is common in couples who have been together for years. the main thing is communication, that both parties express what they feel in order to reach the decision: whether it is good or bad that will give the outcome to the relationship. living in monotony is something harmful in the relationship even if it does not seem so. I am the one who thinks that if something is good we should keep it and if it has flaws, try to improve it, but if there is no solution, simply let it go.
thousand blessings abigail friend ... chaooo :))

Hello @abigail-dantes, you've provided a good evaluation and examples of spousal and partnership relationships. I was most interested in those people that are afraid to go within. My view is that I believe people should be allowed to express their emotions in ways how they see it, sense it and feel it, without resorting to violence of course. It's the lack of being able to express repressed views and opinions which is why our A&E (Accident & Emergency) departments are at full capacity with heart attack patients!

To be able to look at ourselves and the part we play in the break-up or break-down of our relationships isn't difficult to do, not if you're truly interested in the welfare of your partner. I hold the 'Ego' responsible for alot of our problems, wanting to be right all the time doesn't get us anywhere. Great post! Peace.

My dearest @fiercewarrior 😊

My view is that I believe people should be allowed to express their emotions in ways how they see it, sense it and feel it, without resorting to violence of course.

This is a very valid observation, which I agree with in many, many ways. But, I do have something to add here :) I understand you already disregarded violent means of conveying feelings. Nevertheless, I have come across a lot of people, who through acting upon their raw emotions have caused incredible psychological damage to others. As much as I believe that those very hart-attack patients you mentioned may be victims of bottled up emotions, I believe a great portion of them are also individuals on the receiving end of those who express themselves as they see fit.

I believe all of us every once in a while (and some of us, throughout our entire lives) need some careful consideration before manifesting emotions as we feel them, as they can sometimes be rather primal! :)

Thank you for sharing your insight on this one my dear. Your view definitely intrigued me and caused some reflections! :*

All the best to you always.

..that's my very point, because we as human beings are primal, expressing ourselves despite how it may offend is necessary for physical and mental wellbeing. And of course I'm glad you've reminded us that psychological abuse is two fold and can also be the reason why some people end up with strokes and heart attacks. But we should never hold back on how we're feeling to spare another - what about your feelings!?!. I believe honesty is the best policy and the tonic required for good emotional and mental health in all our relationships. There will be occasions when we have to be diplomatic with information we provide and choose our words carefully, but the outcome is still the same, honesty. Before we can consider other people's feelings, we will first need to consider our actions that led to a re-action.

Sorry @abigail-dantes, I disagree with you on this one, but I absolutely take your point on board. Peace :*

😃 You are definitely making me think, and rethink this one! Thank you. I will need to sit down with a cup of tea, nothing else happening around me and this train of thoughts of yours.

Much love to you always my dear @fiercewarrior :)

Someone's view of you does not have to become our reality..much love to you too @abigail-dantes, until next time. :*

And here is a piece of information that the ladies out there might find useful: Men need a longer break to calm themselves down. Also, their stress system is more reactive then ours [3]. This is a manufacturing fault. So, please ladies feel free to forward your complaint to Mrs. Evolution. 😛

I often say to women who complain about men in general, that they have the kind of men they chose. I don't mean 'they' individually. I mean their ancestors. Females could have chosen to procreate only with men who had XYZ qualities. They didn't. They chose the ones we have.

It's basically a more intellectual way of saying 'everything's your own fault' :P

I think the area of psychology tackled in this post, what we may call 'interpersonal psychology', might be the most practically beneficial thing to get into schools and generally try to 'get out there'. Lots of people could be helped by these insights.

Another movie I like btw, Shaun the Sheep!

It's basically a more intellectual way of saying 'everything's your own fault' :P

All right, next time a woman comes to me complaining about the overall problems they face with men I am going to use this notion. But, I am going to start with "The philosopher Axander puts forward that ..." 😛

Alexander, thank you so much for the observation you made on your last paragraph. As of late I have been thinking of beginning to address psychology more through this vein here on my blog. This post was somehow a test to see how people would receive it. You might know by now how much I appreciate and respect your input. So, it comes as a great motivation for me as well as a good surprise (precisely because I of my latest thoughts).

Ps: I watched the Darkest Hours last night. 😳 Wow! Magnificent. Now, I am in love with Gary Oldman.

It looks like if I were a psychologist, only self-blaming masochists would be my clients 😅

I haven't watched it yet but I have it on my watchlist. I was just worried it might be a "slow" movie. I don't mind watching slow movies myself, but I worry about the other people I watch the movies with! But I'll watch it now that you reminded me of it.

A "slow" but brilliant movie I watched recently is Phantom Thread. It kinda reminds me of The Best Offer in some strange way, though they're very different. I recommend both of them. I think they'll be a psychological treat. Oh and Lady Macbeth (not the Shakespeare version). Oh and Downsizing is hilarious and very original if you haven't watched it, it kinda has to do with relationships as well, people being on different trajectories. Sorry I can go on a roll when talking about movies :D

I am going to watch Downsizing tonight! 😃 I wrote all the others down too :) Thank you very much.

I recently watched The Tribes of Palos Verdes It isn't exactly uplifting, but I really liked it.

When I have five minutes I will give you my top 5 favorite movies list. As for you, wait until I see the ones you recommended here first! 😅 Are you reading something that might interest me? :)

I'll be eagerly waiting for your reviews and recommendations!

The Tribes of Palos Verdes is also in my watchlist so I'll be getting around to that too!

As for books, time is tight, and it's not as easy to read and finish a book as it is to watch a movie. Plus I don't know your taste when it comes to books.

Right now I'm reading a perhaps odd choice: One Hundred Poets, One Poem Each

Here's a waka poem on the romantic side:

And here's an anti-romantic one perhaps to send Egotheist, he'll love it :D

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Oh! I LOVED Dowsizing, it was nothing of what I expected! The way they depicted normal folk was incredibly touching.

Thank you very much for the poems, I saved the anti-romatic one to send Ego when the opportunity comes 😉

Here is my current Top 5 list (not necessarily in order)

1 - Carol
2 - A Hijacking
3 - Creep
4 - The Invisible Guest
5 - Second Mother

I am going to watch Lady MacBeth over the weekend! :D

Take care Alexander!

Yeah Downsizing is definitely not what you expect, cos it's impossible to expect what you see! It doesn't easily fall into a genre, and it's not predictable like most movies. I liked the message, the feelings, the humor. I don't know if you watch it in original English or with a voiceover, but I really loved the way the Asian protagonist talked! She was over-the-top but I think she was adorable! Don't know why it has such a low IMDb score.

I've already watched Carol! Definitely one of the good movies. It's not very fresh in my mind unfortunately, otherwise I'm sure I'd be able to give a more in-depth comment.

I haven't seen any of the other ones, so my watchlist just grew bigger!

I do watch movies in their original language :) You are right, the humour in that movie is ... I want to say sophisticated. I love some of the lines delivered by Christoph Waltz's character. Incredibly blunt!

Oh, the Asian lady 😍 😂

Can you believe they ended up together? Hollywood just got a few brownie points from me with that plot!

😊

I've been with my wife for over a decade at this point and I think your relationship advice is perfect.

However, now I really want to watch Shaun the Sheep.

Ahahahahaha

It is a LOVELY movie! Perfect for a lazy, romantic evening 😉

Pause for Reflection - Take a minute to think about the way you dealt with the last criticism you received from your spouse. How did you react?

1 – Abi, I got all defensive. 😲

😄😄 me and my husband have been together for 20 years... 13 years as boyfriend/girlfriend and 7 years as married couple, and as years go by we're becoming more mature in terms of the issues we've had, and before when we argue we will nit talk for couple of days but now, only minutes and the issues are gone either we talked about it or we ignore it,

When it comes to issues sometimes I am the one talking and talking and my husband was listening, and sometimes it is vice versa,

Heart rate down, a quick reflection and a couple of deep breaths later I pronounced to my husband ‘You are correct. What can I do to make things better?’

I hope I can do that someday too, ☺️
But why it is really hard sometimes to admit that my husband is right.... 😳😳😳

Thank you for a great reading ms. ABI.. 😘😘😘

Hello Dear @avhyaceulip 😊

Congratulations on your time together with your husband. You two, sure, are doing many things right to keep things going! It is great to hear you guys have managed to improve things; and being able to continue talking when there is an issue is a great step forward! Well done you both! :D

But why it is really hard sometimes to admit that my husband is right....

I believe you are getting there, you said you are able to listen to your husband when he talks. I see this as being half way there. In my opinion, there is one main reason why a partner has difficulties accepting that the other one is right: Pride. It is very important that we don't let our ego to get in our way to improvement. Being humble every once in a while is a grand gesture.

All the best to you and to your family!
😘

I will practice now being humble, you are right pride is the reason, i always want to be the right one heheehe.. Thank you so much ms. Abi for being a great advisor.... 😘😘😘

I have returned to your post, as promised...

I've been in touch with my manufacturers, and they replied to me in a letter.

I have burnt it, so you can't have a copy.

However, this is what they wrote to me...

'Sir, We can assure you there are no faults in your production model. You seem to be working perfectly fine.
We have had reports of other faulty models however, who seem to have a design fault.. and as such run a program of 'projection.exe', blaming others for no reason.
It is an illogical and randomly activated program that appears to turn on and off, in roughly 30 day cycles.
These faulty models are named 'female', although some 'male' production units can also suffer from this technical fault..'

Some of our 'Male' production units, however seem not to be able recognize this random program when activated in their presence, so we are unable to obtain reliable data as to how widespread this design fault is.
We can say there appears to be a physical correlation with these male units.
(see attached photo underneath for model physical appearance type, at a recent ceremony..)

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humph! I say,...

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humph!

OH MY GOD!! 😂 I hysterically laughed while and after reading this. My husband asked me what was so funny; then, I showed it to him and he had a good laugh too! You are unbelievable (but, mostly, creative though).

However, I found very 'convenient' that you burnt the letter from the manufactures !! 😛

Take care!
Have a great week ahead :*

Why ? That was serious post!
😂

Have a great week ahead

....you to senhora

Hola mi querida @abigail-dentes! como siempre una publicación magistral me quito el sombrero, mis respetos.

Bueno aquí vamos! en lo personal me siento muy identificado con esta publicación, ya que aborda un tema muy importante en mi vida, claro esta no daré detalles aquí por cuestiones personales en mi matrimonio, pero si diré lo mas relevante y que efectivamente tocas en este escrito.

Llevo casi 11 años de casado con mi esposa, ella y yo somos muy diferentes, ella es tranquila, de carácter sumiso, mientras que yo soy de mal carácter , pero esta "condición" mía me ha traído muchos problemas, no solo dentro del matrimonio también fuera de el, pero me preocupa más lo matrimonial, por mucho tiempo he querido cambiar ciertos aspectos de mi esposa que me irritan mucho, pero por mas que lo intente se que eso no va a pasar, después de todo este tiempo me he convencido de ello, esos aspectos hacen que explote de ira haciéndome reconocer a esta altura que tengo un problema de manejo de la ira bastante preocupante, trayendo muchos inconvenientes en mi matrimonio tanto al punto de querer divorciarme, mi esposa en vista de la situación busco ayuda profesional para mi problema, ella y yo hemos estado asistiendo regularmente e las cesiones para mejorar nuestra relación de esposos.

Efectivamente con el pasar de los años empiezan a florecer frustraciones, cosas que te molestaban de tu pareja pero que las tolerabas porque en algún momento pensaste que las iba a cambiar, pues sorpresa! Ese es mi caso, la Dra. que nos trata habla de lo que usted escribe en estas lineas, ella me dice "Javier cuando sientas que tu esposa te exaspera y estas a punto de perder la paciencia y la razón dile que por favor se detenga, si no lo hace respira profundo y abandona la habitación hasta que te calmes" pero lo que más me ayuda es aceptar a mi esposa tal cual es, a saber sobre llevar su personalidad resaltando sus virtudes, porque efectivamente hay cosas que nunca cambiará de su personalidad.

Mi estimada Abi, desde hace días le quería comentar sobre esto pero por los afanes no he tenido tiempo, hoy me refresca el alma al leer tan valiosas palabras, hay muchas cosas más que contar pero no es el medio, se alarmarían sus seguidores jajajaja.

Después con mas calma le comento por privado, Dios me la bendiga grandemente y le de larga vida sobre la tierra feliz fin de semana.

My dearest @javisem,

First of all, it pleases me very much that you liked this post. Secondly, I would like to thank you for sharing your situation with us here. I have great respect for people who are humble enough to both identify and discuss the issues they are struggling to get under control. I hope this can inspire others to take a minute and reflect on their own behaviour too.

Understanding that you struggle to keep calm under certain circumstances is a huge step forward towards getting your emotions under control. Add that to the fact you are being assisted by a professional and a loving, caring wife; you are nearly there :)

I think you have just inspired me to write a post! 😃

All the best to you always :) a big hug to you from Portugal!

This is the best article I've read on love, marriage and relationship after the book The five love languages by Gary Chapman. I have to resteem this so as to keep on reflecting on the post. It's such a great post. I'll be looking forward to more of it.

Thanks @abigail-dantes

Hello @emperorhassy :)

Your words are very flattering. Thank you very much for the support and your kindness.
Ps: I am going to read about the book you mentioned here.

All the best to you :)

This post is a tour de force on relationship issues and the movie analogy was a great way to hook me (I love this movie!).

Can't help but agree with all these points. The romantic in me always thinks love will conqure all and if you show love you will get love but sometimes practical methods are required for tricky conflicts.

I think openness and selfreflection are probably two personality traits that can really influence arguements and make or break a marriage.

Will keep these points in mind next time my girlfriend is invariably wrong about something.. kidding :) @abigail-dantes

Hey @cizzo 😊 Good to see you around! I am so pleased to hear you liked the way I used the movie to illustrate things here :) So, you are a romantic! How lovely. Openness is indeed another important positive contributor to pave the way towards a harmonious, loving relationship!

Thank you for stopping by.
Have a wonderful week! :*

Wow!! De seguro de haber sabido todo esto seguramente aún seguiría casada jajaja.. ok no. Saludos @abigail-dantes, muy buen post, mis felicitaciones. Soy partidaria de pensar que las personas no cambian, es decir, pueden mejorar actitudes siempre y cuando reconozcan y pongan empeño en mejorar. Creo que cuando se vive en pareja debe existir una aceptación mutua, es decir "Si te conocí y me enamoré de tu forma de cantar y tus hábitos de ir a la iglesia, no puedo despertar el día de mañana esperando y exigiendo que cambies eso y que ya no asistas"porque pueden suceder dos cosas 1 Efectivamente dejar de cantar y de ir a misa pero vivir frustrada y triste y 2 Seguir asistiendo y caer en conflictos y discusiones. En este caso cuál sería la solución? o Cuál de los dos tiene la razón? Yo creo que indudablemente no se debe exigir cambios de conducta porque si amas a tu pareja debes aceptar y querer tanto sus virtudes como sus defectos y que esto permanezca y perdure a través de los años.
Particularmente soy partidaria de la comunicación y de expresar y conversar mis sentimientos y pensamientos, pero soy mala a la hora de decir y escoger las palabras, cosa que me ha gustado en tu post, que muchas veces la forma de decir las cosas tiene mucho que ver en la respuesta que pueda esperar y en resolver el problema. Ahora bien, como te decía, soy una mujer divorciada y bueno la razón es muy simple: Infidelidad, pero ya eso sería otro tema. Particularmente puedo dar fe y testimonio de mis padres, ellos tienen 45 años de matrimonio, con altos y bajos evidentemente, porque no existe una relación perfecta, pero si soy testigo de eso que comentas, ellos suelen conversar, y verdaderamente creo y considero que tienen el secreto para mantenerse felices y a pesar de tantos años juntos mantener la chispa, sin caer en rutinas, ni vidas aburridas como suele suceder en la mayoría de las parejas con muchos años de casados. Mi padre es un hombre muy noble y no puede vivir sin mi mamá, mi madre es de carácter fuerte pero igualmente no puede vivir sin mi papá, ellos aun salen agarrados de manos, si uno sale el otro lo llama por teléfono para saber donde está, y siempre duermen juntos, mi padre no duerme si mi madre no le acaricia la espalda, y esto a pesar de ser parte de una rutina, es algo que los mantiene felices.
Gracias por tu post, y en definitiva el secreto para una buena relación está en la buena comunicación.

Hello @paokarinat :)

I am sorry to hear about what led your marriage to an end. The good thing is that you seem to have moved on big time! :D To hear about your parent's relationship made me smile. How beautiful. In sharing it here with us you added another very important point to this debate 'how having little rituals' can really bring togetherness to a couples' life.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.
All the best to you :)

Thanks to you for such a wonderful post.

Great tips that will put them into practice when I get married, so I'll have to breathe and count to 10, very good advice @ abigail-dantes, I have not paid psychologists because I read your posts very slowly to be recorded in my mind, this I liked it a lot and I recommend that you put more as well as they are very clear examples of all people.

I congratulate you and admire your relationship, you see that both are very wise as you say and I hope that there will always be love, passion and understanding on both sides.

@calitoo

Oh! What a cute thing to say @calitoo :) Thank you

I have not paid psychologists because I read your posts very slowly to be recorded in my mind,

I'll surely try to follow this guide when I get married. For now, I have nothing more to say other than to wish those married couple who read this post. Happy Married life' fellow steemians!

Oh! That is very sweet @sathyasankar. Then, for the time being, I wish you a very happy single life! :D

Thank you abi.

In my opinion when problems and saturation come to us and our spouse, where will eventually cause problems.

The first thing we have to think about is how we are asking ourselves, what are we marrying, what are our goals first in marriage, what dreams we want to build together, what makes us decide to live together and how the beautiful old times make us meet and unite.

When each of us asks that, at that moment we will wake up and fight, and say not to trouble and boredom destroy all those beautiful dreams. Too expensive a beautiful dream in tukan with destruction.

Awareness will grow in each and that's when they will evaluate each other and improve attitude. And back to a good attitude and mutual understanding. Attitudes and attributes that once made us and our spouse fall in love.

Hello @jamalgayoni

Yep! Self-awareness and the drive towards common goals indeed set solid grounds for a marriage filled with contentment and love.

All the best to you :)

ohhhhh very interesting this information, I am still too young to marry but they are very good points to reflect and put them into practice once I started my married life, because teaching and analyzing I can have a successful love life, well that too if the person Choose to be my husband, be a conscious person who wants to live happily with me, for sure that way I will have faith in God. The good communication of the couple is a good principle to carry things in Arminia as well as trust and respect. I love your always so educational posts

Hello @stefany12

It is nice to hear someone so young has such a mature mindset and is willing to self-reflect. What you said here is very important: the person who chooses to be your husband needs to be conscientious as well :)

All the best to you my dear!

I've been unattached for over 10 years...can't seem to find someone. I've given up trying. My focus is music and practicing Buddhism. I have very calm behavior and cannot accept others in my life who have anger problems or problems with boundaries. It's an epidemic. I do have many great relationships and friendships that are rooted in respect.

My focus is music and practicing Buddhism.

You must have such a peaceful, blessed day-to-day life @soulsistashakti

You also show a great level of self-respect. I see over and over again, men and women sacrificing their own beliefs and values at the expense of having a partner. It comes at a great cost though.

Lots of love to you.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment :*

Just saw this and felt compelled to respond. Yes, my life is super peaceful. I feel I will meet someone right for me as I continue to live authentically. I feel so filled up I can only imagine what it would be like meeting someone who matches my commitment to this kind of spiritual and intellectual honesty :)

Sorry to say. But
Do you have 1.00+ for me. I already gave you follow and vote

Nothing. Sorry for disturb you

Hello @abigai-dantes

Thanks for taking time to write this one of a kind masterpiece full of helpful tips to not only help those harboring inward unresolved past issues that are today negatively affecting their relationships with their spouses, but also couples that are already having problems in their marriages. With many citations of various studies, outcomes and expert opinions, I strongly believe anyone who is fortune to read this will certainly find it useful if not now, then in the future.

And here is a piece of information that the ladies out there might find useful: Men need a longer break to calm themselves down. Also, their stress system is more reactive then ours...

This is what most ladies don't know, and sometimes eventually learn it via blows and punches.

Thanks once again

Regards

@eurogee of @euronation and @steemstem communities

I strongly believe anyone who is fortune to read this will certainly find it useful if not now, then in the future.

Oh @eurogee 😊 This is such a kind thing for your to say. It just made my heart smile! Thank you so much :)

This is what most ladies don't know, and sometimes eventually learn it via blows and punches.

It is very important that both the wife and the husband have this sort of understanding. I know some guys who get really frustrated when their girlfriends start crying during an argument, for example. Things only get worse from there, they get more angry, the woman cries even more it is a messy vicious cycle! However, a man who unacceptably channels his anger through physical violence towards his wife; needs psychological help. This is the sort of individual who has never stopped to analyse their own behaviour. I bet!

Have a wonderful weekend my dear :*

...needs psychological help..

I agree! Thanks

Hi @abigail-dantes

I've been trying to get round to writing a comment under this excellent post all day, i gave it all the rewards I could and resteemed this morning because I found it both amusing, interesting and a joy to read :)

This text made me laugh:

Men need a longer break to calm themselves down. Also, their stress system is more reactive then ours [3]. This is a manufacturing fault. So, please ladies feel free to forward your complaint to Mrs. Evolution.

But I see truth in it also - I like to cool off in any man-cave I can find whilst putting my thoughts together. I find it super hard to collect up all the 'points of note' being 'suggested' at me in an discussion in which heart rates are rising - probably over the 100 bpm stated.

It's a post for couples, and anyone who wishes to learn how to at least try to act in a heated discussion. Thank you as always for your weekly enlightenment, and have a great weekend :)

Asher

Hey Asher 😊

Good to see you here! I read your post about father's day not long ago. I hope you are feeling a little more upbeat today. ❤

Thank you SO much for the support, not only today's, but always. You never fail to leave a nice message on my feed, and I appreciate it very much. I am very happy to hear you enjoyed this post as much as you did 😊

All the best to you always :*

Hi, yes I am thank you. Those 'special' days aren't for everyone's circumstances I guess.

Your work is always worth reading, and it's a pleasure to support one of the best blog on Steem 😊

So, to break it down nice and simply: rational communication is always the better choice.
Well, I can definitely agree on that.

the woman releases her frustrations through tears and the man through anger.

I almost never get angry, even when frustrated. Does that mean I'm special?! ◕_◕

But pleeease spouse, when your wife/husband turns to you; turn the TV off, put the phone away.

Is there experience speaking? :P

Hence, avoiding cynicism, sarcasm, disrespectful remarks and tuning out is a smart move.

WHAT?!?!

But...but...that's all I'm capable of (╥﹏╥)

They often reside in a world of bitterness, deception and arrogance.

Sounds like the world I'm living in, but I constantly reflect upon myself. Maybe I'm just weird ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Anyway. I think your points are not only valid for marriages (you know my stand on that), but for all kinds of social interactions. Most of the problems between people can easily be avoided/solved by choosing to engage with each other mostly in rational arguments.
I tend to end/avoid debates whenever I feel the other party is emotionally involved too deeply - there is just not any point in discussing things further.

Whenever others start to scream and insult, I just sit there smiling and laughing - I refuse to take people serious who need to resort to emotions and offenses during a debate.

People need to learn how to communicate without too much emotional interference - otherwise their problems will be unnecessary hard to solve.

I almost never get angry, even when frustrated.

I would love to be able to check your heart rate and stress hormone levels in a moment of distress and frustration. This is what Dr. Gottman did in his love lab. He monitored couples'biological indicators of stress during discussions. Some people were extremely calm; yet, their stress levels were incredibly high. If you are one of those people that would make you special in the way that you have an incredible level of self-control and composure. 😊

Is there experience speaking? :P

It would be unfair to say my husband doesn't give me attention when I approach him. But ... oh yeah ... he loves his devices! 🙃

But...but...that's all I'm capable of (╥﹏╥)

That is not true! I have seen how you conduct yourself in heated discussions and those were not the options you resorted to. Actually, It was through following a particular discussion you had with someone I started to really like you, and pay attention to you 😉

Sounds like the world I'm living in, but I constantly reflect upon myself. Maybe I'm just weird ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ok, so now you will have to explain to me how you consciously choose to live in such world. These sort of feeling are highly associated with low levels of subjective well being Ego, I am sure you know this. When you chronically nurture these sort of emotions you keep the sympathetic branch of your ANS going, which in turn trigger processes associated with hormones that can be detrimental to your health.

I just sit there smiling and laughing

This is actually creepy! 😛 But, I do like your overall view of how to deal with people who are unable to control their emotions.

Thank you for this amazing comment!
Lots of love to you 😘

I would love to be able to check your heart rate and stress hormone levels in a moment of distress and frustration.

Maybe there will be an opportunity for that at some point :)
But yeah, a friend of mine once told me, I was the most self-controlled person she has ever met. There is probably some truth to that.

But ... oh yeah ... he loves his devices!

Well, I can absolutely understand him. So, let him know that he's not alone :P

Actually, It was through following a particular discussion you had with someone I started to really like you, and pay attention to you

Ok, NOW I am really curious which discussion you are referring to :)

ok, so now you will have to explain to me how you consciously choose to live in such world.

Nah, I was just messing with you, so no worries. I'm acutally too cynical to be drowned in bitterness. I think, my state of mind can be summed up like this:
If there will ever be the last big war in which everybody is going to die - I will sit on a rooftop, a bottle of champagne in my hand and I will give a cheer to the nuclear explosions at the horizon. It's important to die with style after all :)

This is actually creepy!

I actually thought about getting a white cat which I can pet while laughing. Because reasons (。◝‿◜。)

Ok, NOW I am really curious which discussion you are referring to :)

NEVER 🙊 😏

I actually thought about getting a white cat which I can pet while laughing. Because reasons (。◝‿◜。)

😂 😂

No words ...

Have a good weekend Ego & take care of yourself 😘

Important point of which you speak when referring to solve first the personal problems, disturbing memories, bad experiences and others must be there in the past, take the good of these events and learn the lesson is important to not make the same mistakes again. practicing communication and trying to solve problems in the couple in time to prevent them from staying there for a long time is vital to avoid accumulating all these bad feelings that somehow when talking will end in a discussion and more problems.

A greeting @ abigail-dantes, as I always say, it's a pleasure to read you

Thank you for your feedback always @petvalbra.

Solving personal problems first can help people go a loong way. Not only in their love life, but their professional too.

Best!

Aaah! While reading this the theme song kept distracting me "It's Shaun the sheep. It's Shaun the sheep..."

I don't know if my theory is right, but we need to work on the single unit to make the bigger picture work.
It all ends to getting to know ourselves and manage to become an "observer" of our ourselves. Once you get to see a situation from the outside, be as objective as you can and have all the good intentions to listen and work things out (without suppressing you or your partner in the process), relationships can work.
The point is: Who is willing to invest time and learn how to make things work? First on an individual and then on a couple level (and of course other relationships).
Plus, who has the courage to admit their mistakes, listen to all the voices from the outside asking for them to change for the better (voices sometimes soft, other times more angry) and not alienate themselves? (this is just from my personal observations)

It was a lovely piece, Abigail! And I surely need to read it one more time later.
Lots of kisses! 😘😘😘

Aaah! While reading this the theme song kept distracting me "It's Shaun the sheep. It's Shaun the sheep..."

Ahahahahahahah 😂

They are SO funny and cute :D

It looks like we hold the same beliefs/theory about what makes relationships successful!

I am glad you enjoyed this post @ruth-girl! Thank you for taking the time to stop by.

Lots is kisses and hugs from Portugal 😍

It was an interesting read @abigail-dantes. I take lots of learning from this. In some instances I was able to compare myself or put myself on the spot and try to understand.

Men need a longer break to calm themselves down. Also, their stress system is more reactive then ours

I'm not quite sure about the above statement. I'm not married but I'm in a relationship and have not been through any of the actual experiences yet. Because the concept of relationship before marriage is quite different in India and I belong to an Orthodox family. But I'm a bit confused about the above statement. I do get stressed out at times and something huge temper that I might show. The point is, it takes just few seconds to forget what happened and speak normally. So I'm unable to understand the fact that men takes longer time to calm themselves down. At the same time I have seen my mom showing same temper but it takes lots of time for her to calm down.

But overall I understand that I have to do a lot of self evaluation before getting married. I consider some points as a good tips for me before jumping into the marriage life.

I am not sure of any existing natural gapes between genders in the case of emotions. The quantity of emotions are similar in both genders I think. But what makes women more demure has a good say in our societal norms. I would blame our society that oppress women of their rights. You can still see people asking their sons not to cry at any situation equating that trait to girlish! Why shouldn't we men cry? Taboo!

Because the concept of relationship before marriage is quite different in India and I belong to an Orthodox family

That is a big concern. Although so called culture and traditions carry something good like what you have just figured here out, it is still in the trap of some obsolete norms. Gender parity is a concept which has been turned down by these outdated cultures. As long as there are no legal deterrents, no one including parents should jeopardize the relationship from flourishing! Rationality should win.

If I try to answer that, the conversation could end up in a different perspective. I will try to make it just short. I don't think the culture is still outdated. It gets the "outdated" perspective only when it is compared with the other cultures around the world. I'm a strong believer that even in olden days there was no gender based discrimination, it is being projected as if there was one.

I still respect the way my culture restricts my relationship before marriage. It has been successful in the past till date. There are issues only when it is collaborated with the western culture. If you explore the actual reality without any recent influencial corruption to the thoughts, you might even agree to what I'm trying to tell. Many stories and references from scriptures acknowledge that. Well I think we will have that discussion offline. 😀😁

I'm not comparing our culture with that of others. The comparison I always do is between the culture and the rationality. There are many points that are rational and scientific that exist on tradition I agree. But the major part of it is outdated. Many who argue against this are, no matter whether the person is a scientist, must be unaware of the history! Anyway I'm not trying to spam this comment section. Let's spoke of it offline later

Hi @bala41288 😊

It pleases me very much to hear you found this post interesting and; also, that it brought you the understanding of how self-evaluation is important!

As for the statement you are confused about. Simply put, things go like this: from an evolutionary perspective man's stress system is indeed more reactive than women's. This is one of the things that helped us make it and not be exterminated by predators in the wild way back in the day when we were hunters and gatherers. It is important to react quick and keep that adrenaline going for a while in such environment.

When you say it takes just a few seconds for you to calm down and forget things; now, here, there might be an interplay between your biological reaction and your personality. The same goes for your mum :) This is why I mentioned in the post problems need to be resolved as soon as possible. When they aren't people fall into a cycle of negative thinking, they begin to feel resentful and angry. It becomes more complex.

Thank you for taking the time to read and debate things further Bala.
All the best to you :)

Yes, it could be an interplay as you said. I understand the importance of solving problems immediately then and there. Thanks for your explanation Abi. 😀

Firstly, i must commend this post, it is very apt and educating.. Well I'm not married but i guess I'm Tracy, i expect too much in my relationships. But I've learnt that no one has it all, and we just have to take one step at a time.

On the two methods of conflict resolution, i think the couples should choose either to let this slide or address their issues based on their personalities.

Thanks for sharing this.

Hello Dear @nmalove :)

I'm Tracy, i expect too much in my relationships.

Just the fact you are aware of this is a good start. It shows that you are someone capable of self-evaluation and recognizing your strengths and weaknesses. Well done you!

Thank you for stopping by :*

@abigail-dantes I just do what I'm told - it's easier that way! Ian and Tracy might be an apt description for me and Sue, but we are still together after 19 years :)

Seriously though, I think you have some great advice there. I try to be aware of when my mood is raised and try not to commit to decisions/actions/words until I have calmed down. It's easier said than done of course.

Hello Terry 😊

I just do what I'm told - it's easier that way!

Ahahaha ... well, no wonder why you guys have managed to make it. What you said here is very interesting. It shows that you have found the less draining way of getting things done and make your relationship work! Congratulations to you ans Sue, who on top of all that still manage to successfully raise two girls! Please accept this star ✩ You deserve it!

Have a wonderful weekend :*

It is true that internal conflicts must be resolved because if we do not, we tend to reflect them with other people and more with our partners who are always by our side. And I think the couple is to help each other, but it's not always like that, at the beginning of relationships everything is beautiful, then it changes and it's sad to see how sometimes our partner ends up against us, it's about turning to them in times of difficulty. overcoming the moment together and everything ends up worse and also the monotony that is responsible for killing the relationship, because not everyone agrees to wake up every day to do the same, in the life of a couple that needs to get out of the routine from time to time when, on the other hand, find the technology that has been responsible for distancing families, because even in meals you can not talk because everyone is trapped in their mobile phones, human relationships become increasingly difficult. Grace abigail-dantes an excellent publication.

Hello @mili2088

It is great to hear you liked this post! Thank you very much for sharing your views here with us. You raised a very valid point here: the break down of communication because of mobile devices. This is a responsibility of each families - the adults - to set rules and teach by examples!

Have a wonderful day :*

Wow, that's again a lot of great content to read... I'll have to pin it and come back to it again. Ty so much!

[...] the woman releases her frustrations through tears and the man through anger.

That's quite a stereotype. On the contrary to me, my wife never cries during a fight. ;-P

On the contrary to me, my wife never cries during a fight. ;-P
😅

Well, thank you for stopping :)
All the best to you guys!

This is a manufacturing fault.

I had to stop at this point! ...To keep reading would be unproductive (that old flight and fight thing).

I will come back and read it tomorrow - us men need longer to clam down, as you know.

I'm going checking on my warranty...pesky manufacturers..
😂

Hello friend @abigail-dantes, what a good post and also very interesting to reflect a good time, I like it a lot when you say that you have to rely on the couple, that's very nice and unfortunately it does not always happen that way, in all the couples always go to exist conflicts then without two different beings with different reasonings, but the best thing is that when there is a problem one of the two yields not to get to the extreme, we must respect the space of the other and not let rage and anger take over we must learn to listen to the other and analyze if it is really as they say, because most of the time we do not listen or recognize that we are acting badly and that is why relationships break down.

Hello @urbano579

It makes me truly happy to hear that this post has made you think about things :)

Thank you for reading and commenting!

This one i ca relate again , sooo much, LOL
I think i am shaun and my hubby is the farmer , felt disconnected sometimes. haha. My husband and i before was not like if there's something wrong we'll sit down and talk about it , before what's happening is that, a day will pass andwe'll fewl that weahould be okay. our relationship started , full of sweetness , fun, excitement .. then as time goes by i noticed that he changed , we had less communication , personal ,phone or whatsoever, we don'targue much though, but bottomline is, it's like he's always the boss. some things changed when wehad our firat kiddo, kids are really gems ,magical way ofconnecting parents . before, i feel less appreciated by him , even until now somehow, but just figures out that itmight be the real him. But now for me , we're getting better and better , LOL, i believe that in a relationship it's more of the woman who would be the reasonif you'll break up or stay together.

Oh miss @abigail-dantes , if only you'renear , i'll tell you our story hehe. again thanks for your never-ending support. We love you always , very much! 😘❤️❤️❤️

All relationships change with time my dear, don't they? They can never be the same from the moment each part no longer novelty to the other :) And this is even more extreme when there are kiddos in the middle! You said something really insightful here:

i believe that in a relationship it's more of the woman who would be the reasonif you'll break up or stay together.

This is SO true! You are very smart!

Take care & lots of love to you.❤️ :)

That was an inspiring read but I'm not surprised!

I believe our ego is the biggest obstacle on the way towards a peaceful and harmonious coexistence with our significant others. Being at peace with ourselves by letting go of all negative feelings can be a good start. Living in resentment can literally poison your body, being able to forgive is being able to live in happiness.

Through his 40 year research on couples’ relationships in the love lab - Psychologist Dr. J.M. Gottman found that it comes to a point where a heated dialogue ought to stop, he concluded that when heart rate reaches 100bpm no one is listening to what the other is saying anymore.

Heated dialogues can only cause further problems from my humble point of view. Bringing negativity and tension into a conversation makes people uncomfortable in the presence of each other and if this keeps happening then people might decide it's time to call it a day. The point of any discussion should be to fix things and not to make them worse.

It is so fortunate that you are in a successful and happy marriage! Communication is key and sounds like you guys got this. I'm not married and I can't see that happening any time soon. There are many things that have to be dealt with first, plus I don't actually feel like I'm in the mood yet. Taking into consideration the way I feel, it would be a pretty irresponsible decision to make right now and I try to avoid such decisions in life.

Thanks for this beautiful read!
Have a nice day :)

Oh @lordneroo

This is such a wonderful comment. It looks like we share the same opinion about overall subjective well-being. This is exactly what I tell people over, and over again. Especially to those who actually consciously choose NOT to forgive (personally, I find this a very peculiar choice).

Living in resentment can literally poison your body, being able to forgive is being able to live in happiness.
It is so fortunate that you are in a successful and happy marriage!

We are not happy all the time, of course; but we are most of the time. We learnt about ourselves, about each other's flaws and constantly work on making the most of our differences :)

it would be a pretty irresponsible decision to make right now and I try to avoid such decisions in life.

You seem to be very aware of your inner-self. Making sensible decisions upon self-evaluation paves the way to a life of emotional stability and high levels of subjective well-being lordneroo.

You will make a great sensible husband to some lucky girl out there! 😊

Hi @abigail-dantes!

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wow! This is awesome! A masterpiece indeed.
I learnt so much reading this post. For me self evaluation is very significant in everyone's life.
I meditated on your words...

Just in case you are one of those people – who never questioned their own behaviour – and needs a little help with self-evaluation; here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

Do you have habits that are negative to your psychological and physical health? ✤ Are you at peace with yourself? ✤ Are you living in resentment? ✤ Do you treat people with respect? ✤ When was the last time you made a mistake? ✤ Do you work cooperatively with your spouse towards building a secure future for the family? ✤

This is a powerful post @abigail-dantes

Oh @masterwriter :D

You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you have taken something away from this post. It makes all the effort and time I put into it worthwhile. Thank you for saying this. You comment is incredibly kind and sure made me smile.

All the best to you :)

What a magnificent post! i really have given a lot of though in this matter as many of my friends had issues like that and most of the times it wasn't a happy ending. A key word that you mentioned is "Accepting Criticism". This is where everything starts and can end.

What i personally do before entering a relationship is to clear some things out and the most important one is that we talk to each other for every issue no matter how small it is or it may seem. Holding it inside i think will sometime emerge into the surface and erupt like a volcano. In a way it's like that example ''For the love of Christ! Will you EVER mow the damn lawn?’'' but we gonna get directly to that stage out of nowhere :P

Aside from that i wanna talk about the routine that eventually will come to a relationship-marriage or whatever. I haven't yet a long lasting relationship but many of my friends have and had and because people open pretty easily to me and asking me for advice what i say in this case is:

" It sure won't be as the first days you meet him/her. At first you don't really know each other well, you have a lot of things to talk about and in general the feelings are more intense so everything seem like paradise. Reality though will hit your doors and by that i mean, work, family,friends and as you get to know more and more about the other you won't have so many knew things to learn each day so in a way it will be routine once again thanks to reality. If you love this person you will accept this, try talk if you have an issue and in your free time you could try to do something to remind you of those first ''glorious'' days. ''

( it usually works :P but it's really hard someone although it seems so simple that because of your everyday schedule it won't be as the first day, routine will come in a way eventually)

Hello @filotasriza3 😍

This is a wonderful comment. I am so pleased you found some meaning in this post, and to see that you grasped its main message.

What you said there is SO important, but it is also SO what people don't do. People prefer to brush things under the carpet. But, eventually, like you said ... the eruption happens (OPS!).

Oh! I love the advice you shared here with us :) Thank you for adding these such valuable, relevant points to this discussion. ❤

Thank you for stopping by.
I wish you a wonderful weekend my dear :*

"You will agree with me that is much nicer to hear ‘I love when you take a break and we can spend time together’; than ‘You never take time off’. The former indicates warmth, the latter feels like an attack."

This is true, but here is the thing, if he's anything like me, he's probably said something to insinuate this in more ways than 1 and the feedback wasn't picked up on or was simply ignored, the blunt force statement grabs your attention so you realize this isn't a problem to be ignored any longer and usually it comes at one persons breaking point on the issue, while the other person is blissfully still unaware that anything might be wrong. Also the statement " ‘I love when you take a break and we can spend time together’" doesn't really tell you anything about the underlying problem or that there even necessarily is one. Just my thoughts on that part of this piece.

Oh! This is a wonderful reflection indeed @sevendst19 :) And I see where you are coming from. Sometimes, it feels as if we have no other alternative than initiate the conversation harshly. Exactly because of what you pointed out, the other spouse might not even be aware there is an issue. This is why I believe keeping one's level of conscientiousness in check is a good start! As well as regular productive communication.

Loved your feedback. If I may ask ... do you tend to bottle things up?

I thought so 😉 (so, does my husband!)

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A few things made me reflect from reading your post @abigail-dantes:

  1. Reward what you want to see more in your partner.

  2. I don't know why but one section of your writing reminded me of a line from Mark Manson:
    The point isn't avoid listening to the voice that constantly compares yourself to others... you can't tune it out.
    The point is to not take it so seriously.

It's funny and scary how most of relationship (and life) problems stem from the ego. Ego not to surrender and ego not to be vulnerable.

But what is the point of having a confidante if you don't confide?

I see marriage as teamwork and you pick the partner to "play" the rest of your life with - only makes sense to work together and score "goals" together :)

This is a wonderful comment @bensimblog.

I love the fact that you saw deeper into the message I tried to convey. Thank you for sharing Manson's line here and for the insightful question you raised. It just reinforced my believe in self-evaluation :)

You just got a new follower :)

Your "following" means a lot to me @abigail-dantes. Been a long time fan of your work too :D

Saludos mi querida amiga Abigail…

Un tema muy bonito el de hoy, que a su vez es importante ya que después de un matrimonio vienen las familias.

Como siempre veo sus temas, y bueno pasan a ser en su mayoría mi realidad.

Desde mi punto de vista casarse y después de estar tanto tiempo bajo solo la sombra de uno mismo para luego ser la sombra de otro y viceversa no es fácil. Son personas con gustos, caracteres, ideas y pensamientos muy distintos pero que los unes un sentimiento que en su momento sintieron el uno por el otro, dando aquí el paso de que ya no se trata solamente de uno mismo sino que también debemos pensar en el que ahora es y será nuestro compañero de vida.

Me case joven, y siempre tuve un carácter muy fuerte demasiado fuerte diría yo; mientras quien es mi esposo siempre ha tenido un carácter muy dócil bastante pacífico y calmado. Cuando había algún tema que de pronto debíamos limar las asperezas, Padre de la Gloria!! Yo estallaba era muy pero muy impulsiva al momento de hablar y no media mis palabras, con el pasar del tiempo o mejor dicho los años, pude ver que no me hacía bien reaccionar así, podía perder hasta una semana o más molesta sin hablarle mientras que el no duraba ni 5 minutos molesto. Aquí un vivo eje el que usted da.

Por ejemplo, hay tantas veces que el cónyuge A puede decirle al cónyuge B 'Bebé, ¿puedes cortar el césped?' Hasta que se convierta en '¡Por el amor de Cristo! ¿Alguna vez cortarás el maldito césped? '.

Por eso, es que yo en lo personal diría que no es decir las cosas sino como las decimos. Para mí, fue una lección aprendida que me llevo al cambio y eso se lo debo a mi esposo, que con su santa paciencia me lo tolero hasta que lo pude comprender. Sino creo, hubiera sido un fracaso mi matrimonio.

Fue allí donde aprendí:

¡Todos tienen un límite!

Por esta razón, no tengo más que decir. Solo darle gracias a Dios que ya son 10 años de matrimonios con sus momentos buenos y no tan buenos pero construido por los dos y no hay mejor consejo que este que usted nos regaló el día de hoy.

Pero por favor, cónyuge, cuando su esposa / esposo se dirige a usted; apague el televisor, guarde el teléfono. Muestre amabilidad y respeto a cambio de lo que se le ha confiado (su bienestar subjetivo). Esto solo hará que la otra mitad piense en usted y se acerque a usted una y otra vez. ¿Recuerdas lo que dije antes? Esto allana el camino a la conexión, el romance y la intimidad. Después de todo, un compañero alejado no inspira demostraciones de afecto.

Un fuerte abrazo mi estimada y que Dios me la bendiga...

y siempre tuve un carácter muy fuerte demasiado fuerte diría yo;mientras quien es mi esposo siempre ha tenido un carácter muy dócil bastante pacífico y calmado.

Ha! Now I undertand why Juan and Xahir are so different from each other 😉

Oh! It always pleases me when someone shows the capacity for self-reflection and looks back at their own behavior. This is a very important insight:

pude ver que no me hacía bien reaccionar así

It looks like your husband is a very kind, wise man! Thank you for sharing your personal growth here with us. A development that you only could achieve with the support of your husband :) This is a beautiful story @jayoxaju

Lots of love to you all from Portugal.

Si, reconozco que mi esposo ha sido sabio y considero que es su mismo amor por mi que hizo tolerar mi situación durante muchos años agradezco a Dios por el y por su paciencia.
Gracias mi estimada.

Hello @Abigail-dantes

Let me confess before I say anything.... When I started reading this post I was enjoying the ride because it was actually pointing to me in a way, then I stopped to see the length I was like 😳, but the post is too juicy to not read.

Everyone needs to see this, am sending this article to my partner as well to read, it might change our orientation because I have learnt from this...

But pleeease spouse, when your wife/husband turns to you; turn the TV off, put the phone away. Show kindness and respect in return of what you have been entrusted with (his/her subjective well-being). This will only make your other-half think of you and reach out for you over and over again. Do you remember what I said before? This paves the way to connection, romance and intimacy. After all, an estranged partner does not inspire demonstrations of affection.

That is one of our challenges.... I repeat everyone needs to see this

Baby, can you please mow the lawn?’ until it becomes ‘For the love of Christ! Will you EVER mow the damn lawn?’. If spouse ‘B’ rates quite low in the conscientiousness dimension of personality things are likely to spiral downward from her

So true because we men are guilty of this, always want to be in control but sometimes I believe the calm request is better, depending on his or her personality...

Reading through the comment and see different views got me searching myself and thinking of being a better man than I was... Not a bad person but so many things are been corrected about me from this article.... Am really grateful...... This article can save a relationship

I am so so rebloging into this

Thank you for your incredibly kind comment and support @osariemen You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you found my writing and the research I put together here insightful. Your comment truly made my heart smile!

Ps: I used to write really long posts like this; but then, like you, many people suggested my posts should be shorter. For a while I was policing myself and following a 1.500 word limit. It didn't take me long to go off the rails again 😂 I appreciate you reminding me about this! I will keep it in mind for my future posts.

Have a wonderful day!

Nicely written Abbey.
I must say; communication is a very crucial part of any relationship. But as it were; judging from the differences in the makeup of males and females; the communication pattern could become undulating sometimes. And this; no doubt; is one of the causes of chaos in relationships. But I strongly believe that with the right self-evaluation; people could come to terms with such differences and have a better harmony in their relationships.
Though I'm not married yet; but I've observed from people around me.

But for me; I'm on the calm side, and make a good listener.

PS: you've been married for 13years? Wow! That's so cool. You must have married quite early.

Nice piece Abbey

Yep Sammy, I got married when I was quite young (at 23). My husband is a wonderful man. We are not always happy; but we sure are happy most of the time 😊 Precisely because of what you concluded: through self-evaluation we learnt more about ourselves, about our differences and committed to live a life of respect and affection, where we turn to each other for guidance and help.

Thank you for your nice comment my dear. I am sure you are going to make a perfect husband - you are such a gentleman! :)

I am sure you are going to make a perfect husband - you are such a gentleman! :)

Thanks so much Abbey. I'm really honoured

Im not married yet but i'm definitely adding this to my arsenal of knowledge.
P.S i love that you always back your thoughts with indepth research and experiments.

hello my friend @abigail-dantes

The Individual - The Heart of the Matter

This happens to a paeja who lives near my house his wife asks him with a lot of love that please he prunes the garden and he has had to repeat it more than 10 times until he reaches the limit of insulting him and fighting because he does not and There they begin to take out everything that one does and what the other does not do.

From my point of view, we have to be more responsible in this case, we must collaborate as a couple and as a family to make things go much better. Greetings and thanks for your information.

Thank you for sharing this example here with us @catire383. People need to cooperate more and become more conscientious in order to live a more harmonious life!

I wish you a wonderful weekend! :)

Thank you @abigail-dantes that same I say we must be more united and understand much more so that their way of life is much more special.

hi miss abi , our Zeph watched shaun the sheep when he was little and he really loves it
we think this topic can be handled by mom , no comment from us hehe
We just wanted to say we love you so much always and thank you Drom our heart, God bless you more and more
love Zeph , Alex , and Freia 👶❤️❤️❤️😘

Oh! Thank you Zeph, Alex and Freia :)
It is wonderful having you guys around!! I loved Shaun and the sheep ❤️😘

the woman releases her frustrations through tears and the man through anger.

A man that marries such a woman that shade tears is indeed a lucky man, because after the tears, the woman would forger her pain
But if she is a woman that does not shade tears, then man is in trouble. This kind of women that don't shade tears can deal with men wickedly.
And when a woman intentionally decides to deal with a man, even the devil sits down with pen and paper to learn wickedness

Hello @ikchris

Thank you for your comment. It looks like you are a sensitive man. It is always good to hear man showing compassion and understanding towards women :)

All the best to you.

I don't beat a woman come what may.
There was a time my neighbour made me so angry, I just walked away from her.

I commented so on your post because I have watched a woman that beat her husband to stupor

love abigail,

I really enjoyed reading your beautiful text. I think a big problem we have in our spoiled society is on the one hand to take everything for granted and on the other hand to constantly seek happiness in the outside world. Happiness lies only in us! If we find this, every kind of outside world looks beautiful to us. Every person has to learn to love himself and to find himself, otherwise love to others is not possible. As soon as the farmer gets into his autopilot the sheep will try to shake him awake again, but unfortunately it only causes the farmer to distance himself even more. Of course I feel very sorry for it, because I know what it feels like. But still I have to say that the sheep completely forgot itself. A partner should be a positive enrichment and not a "rescue" that we have long sought.

Well, those were the thoughts I had. I think by the way that you should write a book, because when I read your lyrics I fall into a fantasy world what I felt last time at Harry Potter ^^

I wish you the best of luck.

Sami D. Barid

Thank you @samidbarid

What you said here is SO true: We do tend to take things for granted, and we do believe that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. You are correct to say that happy can be found within us! And it is because of these observations you made here that I think the need for constant self-evaluation is paramount.

All the best to you :)

How nice to read this, it hurts that it was late in my first relationship so we got to divorce for not controlling the temperament, I will also implement it with my new partner and they are good advice to support and emphasize the achievements of my husband so he is very happy at my side, I am also a temperamental girl but I will do what you say I will disconnect from technology and try to calm down and look inside me to solve problems, great post friend a big hug.

Good! Recognizing that you are a bit 'temperamental' is an important first step. From here you just have to learn how to not overreact and be a little more rational during moments of distress! Kindness, attention and affection are always the way to go!

Best,

This is going to be my new escape hatch:

Psychologist Dr. J.M. Gottman found that it comes to a point where a heated dialogue ought to stop, he concluded that when heart rate reaches 100bpm no one is listening to what the other is saying anymore

Sorry honey - my Apple watch says my heart rate is over 100 so we have to shut up now :)

No, no, no 😂
Remember: Neither fight, nor flight! :)

Wow! Knowing ourselves first really helps make relationships better. 👍

Greetings @abigail
In any relationship there are situations found to be human beings, sometimes in women there are hormonal imbalances causing differences with the couple, where it is slowed and reasoned becomes routine and tires because the relationship is 2 and both have the responsibility and is shared and sometimes you have to give up individual activities to perform acts together as recreation and sharing, since it is difficult to live without enjoying recreation.

Hello @joserar22,

I like very much how you also seem to take into account the individual's biology. Having this sort of understanding is very helpful. And, yes, finding that right balance in the routine is what it appears to be one of the secret for a successful marriage.

Best :)

Hello @abigail, very interesting this post
In terms of relationships, it seems to me that communication is important in order to live in harmony and reach mutual agreements, since each one must do his part giving space to tolerance, respect and recreation to avoid falling in the routine since this is harmful in every relationship. Sometimes, even though we do not want to, we must give in to have a healthy and peaceful relationship.
I hope you enjoy the weekend.

Hello @josmarly :)

It looks like we share the same opinion about how to build a peaceful, successful marriage !

Enjoy your weekend too!

Dear @abigail significant post.
I think that comprehension and communication are the indispensable elements in every couple relationship, since each one must know and respect the character of the other, and vice versa should not give way to monotony and routine as they fracture all relationship all It must be fair since what is good for one must also be good for the other.
Greetings

Hi @franm,

You are right :) understanding and productive communication are key elements! Let's add cooperation to that list too! :D

Have a great day!

Great article - fun and smart! I really enjoyed reading it! I was struggling to find some quality content in "Psychology" and "Family" here on Steemit and (finally!!!) I found it! So I am definitely following :) Thank you!

Thank you very much! :)
Under the psychology tag I recommend the following authors: @dysfunctional, @alexander.alexis and @dedicatedguy.

Happy steeming to you!

Fortunate to go through from this post because it have some great inputs of life and it can showcase an aspect where initially when a relationship is new then everything goes well but slowly as journey move ahead the reality of the relationship can be analysed because the new aspect is for exploration.

We have to understand that the nature of marriage is really beautiful but sometimes people avoid to give that needed strength to an relationship because an relationship stands on the great foundation and foundation can established when we showcase that value in an relationship.

Many relationships always shakes because they lack the communication and in my opinion the communication is everything in life otherwise you cannot convey our message to anyone and in-turn that will shake your relationships and to avoid it we have develop the art of communication in our life.

So, in life we can face many hardships and obstacles but we can overcome it if we have strong mindset and we are doing the work effectively to avoid any failure in life. And sometimes whatever we do we face the failure and in that phase we have showcase the patience because sometimes time holds some great surprises.

Wishing you an great day and stay blessed. 🙂

Thank you very much for your insightful comment @chireerocks. I totally agree with you. Communication, a healthy mindset and determination are key elements for a successful relationship :)

You too have a blessed day!

Welcome and thank you so much. 🙂

Marriage is something we will go into sooner or later, hence we need to understand how it really work. Lesson learnt. Thank you @abigail-dantes for this.


I am @teekingtv and I write STEM.

My parents recently went to a model animation workshop with Tim Park at the Yeo Valley cafe in the Mendips, near Bristol UK. They made these (from the early man film):

IMG_20180622_232159.jpg
.

They are so cute :)

Totally love to read the story.shaun has tremendous role in it.cool

Hi @ abigail, very good publication, because in relationships you do not learn to know the other totally, so you have to keep in mind that in these relationships you have to give and give to be reciprocated, does not always yield the same; but what is very important is that the routine invades the couple if they do not experience recreation and recreation between friends and family.
Enjoy with joy and family this weekend

Hello there @marlenis :)

Yes, routine should not be the problem really. It is how each separate part as well as the couple together perceive it that makes the problem.

Thank you for you comment.

Greetings dear @abigail.
Sometimes the relationships become lasting due to the freedom and individuality of both parties but without confusing the terms, since it is very good to share in a group because it generates joy and in each encounter the memories remain. That is why this issue has relevance to be able to maintain good treatment, share, exercise in a reciprocal way as well as break the monotony and combat boredom.
happy weekend.

@ abigail, I elegrarterte return, this publication is important because this subject is infinite because the relationship is with different personalities in ways of thinking, acting, sharing or enjoyment and sometimes the routine causes the rupture causing injuries to the remember aggressive or violent situations, and think that it was possible to solve and let pass the time of rest that should exist in every relationship, where each one should respect the space of each one, with respect, understanding and much love,
I hope you enjoy the weekend. bye

Hey @neylenis,

Yes, you said it all: respect, understanding and love always lay a good foundation for a healthy relationship.

Thank you for your comment!

Very True. You are a realistic Person. Interesting Article. Thanks

I loved it. now I am going to read you and only you hahaha are brilliant. I am a new user and I live in Venezuela I am Venezuelan. and I love writing I have my first children's story. I have many stories to tell to share to publish. stories, fairy tales, thoughts, poetry, philosophy and many other things. I'm just beginning to exploit them. thanks for your stories

Hello @gabrielpino

This is not a story. This is an evidence-based psychology post.

Thank you for stopping by.