Psychology Addict # 35 | Talking About Naughty Children: Treading on Egg Shells

in #psychology3 years ago (edited)


My husband has a friend who is married to a lovely, smart woman. Nowadays, they have two children together, a 7 year-old girl and a 3 year-old son. When she and I find ourselves alone, we normally talk about trivial things; such as the weather or the last movie we watched. So, it came as a shock to me when, during a walk, she blurted out ‘I cannot cope with my daughter anymore, I give up! She makes me feel like crying.’ I grabbed my water bottle and took a sip. In reality, I was just searching for something reasonable to say; but instead, I remembered the last time the four of us went on a holiday together.

Back then, she was still pregnant with her son, and her daughter; who, here, we are going to call Lilly was already troublesome. We were holidaying by the lake and thank goodness each couple had their own cabin; because, whenever we popped into theirs there was a little battle going on. Within a week I witnessed Lilly hitting her mother in the face, calling her father a dragon, throwing things outside the cabin, refusing to sleep, the list goes on. But, the memory that I dwelled on the most was when Lilly, standing on the closed toilet seat, threw her toothbrush on the floor while firmly saying ‘NO!’, and her mother with her shoulders down looked back at her and meekly said ‘you win Lilly’.

After drinking more water than initially intended I still had nothing to say. Then, I just placed my hand on her shoulder and squeezed it gently, while she cleaned away a rogue tear. The conversation that never was, died right there, as we approached our husbands.

Cute Little Angels

When you look at a toddler it is hard to think that they are nothing other than cute little angels. Sometimes, however, they are anything but. For example, Nagin and Tremblay observed that at the age of 18 months children consistently begin to express aggressive behavior such as kicking, pushing and hitting *. In a finding that, simply put, led psychologists to study and conclude that aggression is innate * and operated by phylogenetically ancient brain structures like the PAG and the hypothalamus *. If you are familiar with the notions of psychoanalyses you will recognize this as the id (nature/instinct), and you will also remember that Freud put forward the idea that aggression is indeed inborn (part of the id) and resulted from the conflict between basic instinctual drives and cultural principles. Further still, studies have also demonstrated that, in the majority of human infants, such behavior (aggression) is adjusted by the age of 4 (after peaking at kindergarten years)*.

You may ask, ‘what happens to the children who don’t learn other ways to act and react?’ Well, research shows that in the years to come (up to adulthood) these kids find very difficult to control their impulses, continue to display aggression, and are more prone to develop both physical and mental health problems *. They also tend to become fearless; which in turn, makes them more susceptible to mingle with undesirable friends, be influenced by them and break the law.

I know, it is hard to imagine that such extreme events unfold from the tantrums of a cute little angel. But they do, and there is developmental research to support this claim. You may object and cry out ‘but, society!’ I will then reply ‘Good point!’ But I have to add that this appears to be solely a social issue because of the high incidence of children presenting difficult behavior in lower income families. However, I encourage you to question the following: why are there thousands and thousands of individuals who come from lower income families and become highly functional adults, while there are thousands and thousands of dysfunctional adults who were actually born into wealth?

This is something that social scientist Lee Robins observed 40 years ago through her longitudinal research.

Adult antisocial behavior virtually requires childhood antisocial behavior [yet] most antisocial children don’t become antisocial adults.

It is an easy task to detach ourselves from society and then dis it. It is a different thing altogether to take responsibility for the part we play in it. For a toddler, mum and dad, or other caregivers, are their society, a society that later on will expand as they meet other toddlers in the kindergarten, as a new sibling arrives, and as they begin to encounter other adults.

So, what happens to a child whose primary caregivers have been unable to modulate their behaviour? Rejection is the first thing that comes to my mind.

Shaping Behaviour

Being around Lilly is not exactly pleasant, other children and adults avoid her whenever they can. You never know how she is going to react next, and worst of all we have to watch her at all times. When I say watch, I mean it. She takes center stage. If you don’t look at her, she will physically force you to do so.

This one time my husband and I were invited to have an early dinner at her parent’s home. Her mom was bathing her little brother and her father asked us to watch her for a few minutes as he went out to grab some drinks. I cringed while saying ‘that is all right’. My husband froze – he is among the many adults who are terrified of her. She was sitting next to me at the table. When her father left I continued to talk to my husband. Lilly began to poke me to watch what she was doing. I ignored her and continued talking to my husband. Then, she stood on the chair and turned my face to her with her little hands. I gently took her hands off my face, forced a smile and said while stroking her hair ‘Lily, I have something really important to tell your uncle over there (she calls us uncle and auntie), when I finish talking to him we can chat and play.’ My husband stared at me, my heart was pounding. I thought ‘here it comes the screaming’.

Lilly sat on her chair and grabbed a doll; she didn’t look happy, but she didn’t make a scene either. When I finished talking to my husband a few minutes later, I had sort of forgotten about her, she is never that quiet. Then, she sweetly asked ‘auntie, can we chat and play now?’. Oohhh…😍 I said with the most genuine smile ‘Lilly! Did you know you are a very pretty AND polite little girl?’ She nodded in a happy, exaggerated manner. ‘Yeah! Let’s play!” I said, but peace reigned only until she had to go to bed. Still, I couldn’t believe how easy it was. All I had to do was ask!

Clinical psychologist J.B Peterson states that for children to thrive in society, and consequently in life, they need to be informed, their behavior needs to be modulated. He argues that lack of direction can damage a child as much as physical or mental abuse. After reading the findings of the studies I have discussed above you can see how this is not an overstatement.

But, sometimes, I have a feeling that the word discipline has become a taboo for modern parents. Even though, discipline entails nothing more, nothing less than rewarding good behavior (e.g ‘Lilly! You are pretty and polite’) and punishing undesirable ones (e.g. ‘no, I cannot talk to you now Lily, please wait’). Good old B.F.Skinner! In doing so parents are preparing their children to function positively in the social world; and consequently helping them to become individuals who will enjoy meaningful and fruitful interactions.

An Extra Push

Non-human animals instinctively know and do this. In the wild, chimpanzee mothers show their young how things are done and who to stay away from, whilst providing them with affection and safety *. Adult dogs also readily let their puppies know when they are crossing boundaries. How many times have you seen an adult dog growling at a puppy ‘not now kiddo!’. So, this is a good time to ponder: if there are limits to be understood in their much simpler environments imagine in ours.

It is not all doom and gloom though, even in the not so optimistic views of the psychoanalytic world it has been established that instincts (id), subjective individuality (ego) and society/culture (superego) are not entirely bad. Rather, they are simultaneously good and bad. After all, aggression is naturally regulated from the age of 4 in most children. You see, the brain circuitry that governs empathy is as deeply rooted and ancient as the one that operates aggression * and it works like a ‘natural disciplinarian’ as it prompts the capacity in children to assimilate the distress of others. This is why, for example, when a child begins to cry in a room, others follow suit. But, it just happens that in some little kids that circuitry needs an extra push from mum and dad.

Peterson, J. B., & Flanders, J. L. (2005). Play and the Regulation of Aggression. In R. E. Tremblay, W. W. Hartup, & J. Archer (Eds.), Developmental origins of aggression (pp. 133-157). New York, NY, US: Guilford Press

Apa Psycnet -Play and the Regulation of Aggression
CIHR /IRSC - Physical Aggression During Early Childhood: Trajectories and Predictors
The Functional Neuroanatomy and Psychopharmacology of Predatory and Defensive Aggression
Chimp Early Learnings | Attenborough: Trials of Life – BBC

Image source : 1, 2, 3, 4.

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For further information about children’s tantrums please take a look at @suzanrs post: Caveman baby, modern baby - Tantrums and the human fight condition.

Dear Reader,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post once again. I wish you a wonderful weekend 💖


Abi Abi is here again. I might get used to this your pre-weekend posting schedule. You are somewhat of a santa claus, whose package, I and a lot of people always anticipate and expect. I trust you and your family are good, Abi?

As for your post, it is really remarkable what communication and care can do for our little ones before they grow up feeling unloved and uncared for, and even grow to become monsters and menace to society.

I don't have such a troublesome child at the moment...thankfully. But I've seen families that do, and something I've really noticed in such families is the lack of attention that such children often get from their immediate family or parents.

In most cases, the lack of care, direct communication and attention is what pushes the children to act out. In some other cases, the few negative actions of the children, make their parents distant their love, affection and communication from such a child. And this is somewhat pathetic, because it can only get worse from then on.

Truly speaking, from my observations of the families with such challenges, there isn't much communication between parents and the child. And a lack of communication doesn't even create any opportunity for trust and understanding to be built. Plus, things can not be resolved from lack of communication and attention for such a child.

A case is the way you handled Lily's persistent search for simply and lovingly communicating with her. By all means, if all little ones are talked to and treated as such, there might be less troublesome and radical 7 year olds or children in our society.

A loving communication between parent and child is key. Discuss with them, share in their worries, questions, uneasiness and discomforts. I kind of believe that such a close bond and cordiality with the babies would mold them into better composed and behaved children, as they grow up. Also, setting a good example of the expected and required behaviour both at home and in public, is the obligation of parents too. We can't expect them to be what we are not. Neither can they emulate good behaviours from us, if we ourselves do not exhibit or have good behaviours. Using curse words on our kids too is a no-no........

This is turning into a mini post..........I better drop my phone. Lolz
A lovely weekend to you and yours @abigail-dantes. Love you loads.

@rickie !!! 😍

What a wonderful mini-post you left me here. Thank you so much :)

Absolutely, I could not agree more with you. You said it all : Communication, love, discipline, good role models. It is truly no easy feat to educate and prepare a child for the world out there. Much less when mum and dad work full time and feel constantly tired.

However, the understanding of doing it from early on it helps everyone in the long term. It is a lot easy to communicate and shape the behaviour of a 2-4 year old, than 7, 10 a teen! If mums and dads out there only reflected about this....

Well, your children are truly privileged for having a loving father with such incredible insights. Again, thank you for sharing them with us here.

We are all fine over here, enjoying the warm weather! Oh, by the way... I think I love you more Ricke 😘

I wish only the best to you and your family :)

Lolz....Nah! I love you more @abigail-dantes 😂. Best of the weekend to you once again. Thanks for the great post and the reminder of why we should spend more time and pay more attention to out little ones.

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Thank you @utopian-io. I do appreciate the upvote.

My mother once taught me when I have children, my mother says As you often find your child difficult to manage and often fussy when given advice and understanding, then do not rush to give them the predicate of 'bad boy', 'brat' and others etc. Do you know that the naughty predicate you give them will make them not confident with their environment. In addition, the predicate you've given to this child will make them just like being given a label that continues to stick in them that makes them feel in vain when they become good kids.

Instead of judging and giving them such a title, it is a good idea to have a child in the wrongdoer approach your child and grasp his shoulders and give them the understanding not to make a mistake because it is a dishonorable act. Do not miss give your child a look and make them promise not to repeat it.

When you expect your child to grow up and become a child with modest and good behavior, then correct our attitude first and be a good example for them. The most telling lesson that can be given to a child is not just limited to theory and advice, but also to be accompanied by practice and reality. In addition, children will generally imitate what they have witnessed. If our actions and behavior are not in accordance with prevailing norms then do not be surprised if your child can be very naughty and difficult to manage.

When children make mistakes let alone the act is done in public that makes us embarrassed, it seems we want to scold them. However, as a good parent, we should not wreak the anger at the same place let alone many people witnessed. The mistakes your child may make are probably the unintentional mistakes they make, so control your anger and ask them why they can do it. After that, just give advice and convey it gently. Your child may feel embarrassed and guilty about the problems he or she makes, so do not perparah regret with your insults that will make them more depressed.

Establish rules to limit children's behavior. In addition, institute strict sanctions for them. But of course not by using violence that will hurt children and make them in danger. Suppose that when you apply the hours of instruction from 7 to 8 hours, while your child is busy playing games on his computer. So give him a sanction like taking his computer and not allowing him to play the game until the time he learns at the end of the day. In this way the child will gradually settle his obligations before taking up his rights.

Stop tolerating children when the rules you apply violate them. The more tolerance you give will make the child more free to break all the rules you have created for them. That way they will tend to become dissidents and unruly.

I myself have not practiced everything my mother said and taught, because I myself am not married.

When you expect your child to grow up and become a child with modest and good behavior, then correct our attitude first and be a good example for them.

Absolutely @jamalgayoni, nicely put! :)

Establish rules to limit children's behavior. In addition, institute strict sanctions for them. But of course not by using violence that will hurt children and make them in danger.

Correct! To be a strict parent and set rules doesn't mean to be violent!

Thank you for your thoughtful comment Jamal.
Have a wonderful day :)

Hey @jamalgayoni
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thank you very much @Utopian-io for your appreciation to me.
I really respect it and will try to learn it

I've done vote to Witness


This usually happens when the child is used to having her way. I know the Western world regulates Child discipline but the child needs to be denied some certain things and corrected in love.

Here in Nigeria, a kid will dare not talk to a parent rudely, parents do not take Child discipline lightly😂. Even as an adult, i feel a pang in my chest whenever i want to talk back at my Mum.

I hope your friend can be able to correct this now..

This is a wonderful comment @nmalove! This is particularly insightful!

the child needs to be denied some certain things and corrected in love.

I can truly relate to you with regard to how to talk to my mother, and older people in general 😂

Have a great day! :*

You did great!

Clinical psychologist J.B Peterson states that for children to thrive in society, and consequently in life, they need to be informed, their behavior needs to be modulated.

Ignoring, shouting, asking to 'be quiet' (quieter than what?!) isn't good enough. Planing the next 5-10 minutes out worked for me with my daughter. The 'OK' would be a begrudging one at at times, but it worked :)

I guess this way, they don't have the confusion/anger as to why something isn't happening right now.

Always happy to see your Friday blogs Abigail :)

Oh Asher ! You have a little daughter 😍 It looks like she is well disciplined! Owww... Lucky little girl!

Always happy to see your lovely comments @abh12345. Thank you so much for your constant support!

Ps: Portugal vs. Spain tonight! I am not a big football fan, but I do go a little crazy during world cups 😛 I am going to tease you if Portugal wins, and if we lose I will just go quiet! 😏

Not so little now she's 12 :) But she is, and always has been very well behaved for me.

I think it will be a great game this evening and although I reside in Spain, England is my home country. As long as there are goals and entertainment, I don't mind who is the winner!

England I don't have high hopes for, I just hope we can get out of the group stage this time :D

Have a lovely weekend!

I do remember you are English :)

As long as there are goals and entertainment, I don't mind who is the winner!

Way to go 😂

Lots of love to you and your daughter :*

Thank you for your wonderful article @abigail-dantes :)

Having been blessed with 2 beautiful daughters I have to admit at times it has not been easy. The youngest, in particular, knows how to "push buttons" and even when attempting to reward good behavior you are often confronted with a negotiation process. For instance, I might offer to drive her to a friend or take her to the movies for doing a chore (like clean her room) but might get "oh it's not worth it!" . No doubt she will do well in life as a negotiator !

I might offer to drive her to a friend or take her to the movies for doing a chore (like clean her room) but might get "oh it's not worth it!"

Oh! Smarty pants 😅 Kids never cease to amaze me! If this is an isolated case, or it only happens every once in a while, it shows how confident in herself she is. If it is a pattern, it is important to modulate her sense of self-importance :)

It looks like you have a bright, confident daughter with a promising future ahead Terry 😊

Thank you for stopping by.
All the best to you & your family always!

Wow what a lengthy one here, it's another Friday, you can't believe I've been waiting to see a post from you.
Well i've never been married and never had any children infact I'm 24 but i've helped my aunt raise her infant son from a very tender age and my! he's very rebellious, at first I use to think it was over pampering you know allowing him have whatever he wants and whenever he wants , but I tend to realise I was even as a speechless and lacking of ideas just like you were when your friend told you about the situation of her daughter.

The thing is sometimes she gets tired of him and push the baby sitting duties to me, which I vehemently use to reject, the truth is she doesn't want the child to embarss her in public, he's always crying and throwing tantrums, well what do you think she can do?

Oh my dear @josediccus, your are always so nice and kind to me! It makes me smile when you say you have been waiting for my post. Thank you so much 😊

So many children seem to behave like Lilly and your aunt's son. And her getting tired of him is not surprising at to me, as much as your reaction to looking after him. There are many things that parents and caregiver can do to perfectly healthy children who behave like that, and as I mentioned on my posting: rewarding good behaviour and punishing negative ones is a good way to start.

Do you think @josediccus, I should write a post discussing what parents and caregivers can do to control such naughty children?

Lots of love to you my dear :)

Of course I'm not surprised at the engagements on your blog, the way you react and treat issues is certainly so amazing really, and that's why I always wait Friday's for your amazing posts it's like a weekly topic

Yes that would be great you can write about it, I will be grateful, my aunt will be too

Good morning friend aby, once again you have a 10 grades for an excellent topic, I find it very informative because I have a similar situation but not to extremes, my daughter will soon be 3 years old and attends what we call here a maternal that is a kind of daily care since I work and the fact is that when he is at home or with the family he does not pay attention and when he is doing something bad and we reprimand he looks at us and in the form of a challenge he keeps doing it, instead In the maternal they tell me that she behaves excellently, that she obeys the teacher and I think that they are lying to me because her behavior is different there, but the real problem lies in the attitude she has with her 9-month-old brother. She starts loving him, but then ends up attacking him by biting, squeezing, pinching, harshly pulling her hair or her body. I thought about taking her to a counselor or psychologist to see if she can help me. What would you recommend?
I hope you spend a nice afternoon and a happy weekend friend ...

Hello my dear @rosnely :)

According to the research I studied at the age of 2-3 is when children's aggressive behavior peaks. So, there is nothing abnormal about your 3 year-old. However, she need to be informed from now that this is not correct (even if she appears not to pay attention). Also, every time you see her being affectionate towards her sibling, reward her with a kiss or a complement. This will help her to understand that is the proper way to behave :)

As for looking for a counselor now. I think because there is nothing particularly abnormal in her behaviour, it is not necessary at the moment. In case she continues to present the same sort of behaviour at the age of 5-7, like Lilly, then you could consider professional help.

I wish you a great weekend too! :*

That's what I meant to say. .. Lol That's added so much more to my information banks. Thank you.
I raised a "Lilly" with the exception I would never admit defeat even though often I was defeated. My "lilly" started life as a screamer who added headbanging and kicking/ biting/ spitting etc and was very demanding and that was with everyone not just with me. We forget that our reasonable explanation may not be reasonable to a toddler. Especially when these little bundles of dynamite only come with a guidelines sheet not a comprehensive user manual. One thing I aim to look at though, is there any correlation between the innate bad/ aggressive toddler behaviour and creativity/ stimulus. Is it only "busy" babies that have the devil tantrum?
You've included a lot of valuable reading and make a very good point about praising good behaviour and ignoring/ chastising bad. A very good and informative read. And double thank you for the inclusion :) I want to add that my "lilly" grew out of it by four and is still always looking to be busy. :)

Oh dear @suzanrs ! How wonderful to see you here 😊 I am so glad to hear you found this post informative :)

You raised a Lilly, then ... it sounds like she was a handful! It is great to hear she became calmer and is still a busy individual! That is in great part because her mum was determined enough to 'not be defeated'. ;)

The point you made about what seems reasonable to us is not necessarily reasonable to a small child is very relevant indeed! Thanks for bringing this observation to this discussion.

You further research sounds an interesting one One thing I aim to look at though, is there any correlation between the innate bad/ aggressive toddler behaviour and creativity/ stimulus. Is it only "busy" babies that have the devil tantrum? I certainly look forward to that one!

I remember, quite a while ago, I came across a study about babies who get bored quicker then others. If I recall correctly, the suggestion was that, cognitively, they developed faster, but also were more irritable than the other babies (controls). I don't remember if they were more aggressive, though. But this was also something that normalized at the age of 4-5.

I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a beautiful job with your psychology posts! It is an honor to have you participating in my feed.

I wish you all the best :)

Oh yes, I raised a Lilly LOL. In fact the screaming headbanger youtube clip in my post wasn't unlike my "Lilly"... haha. And I wouldn't say she was calmer even now - just more able as an adult to focus I guess.
Interesting point about babies getting bored quicker - that definitely proved to be one of her issues. In fact up to 5 months of age Lilly screamed for so long so often that the GP and health visitor had her tested for all sorts. Once the mood took her there was nothing that would stop her for more than a few minutes, yet she slept well, fed/ate well, so obviously wasn't ill or in pain. THEN, she learned how to crawl - to get to things under her own steam. That was a game changer. The tantrums didn't stop but the difference was very noticable. Basically, she was a bored but determined headstrong little baby who wanted to do things her way before she realised what her way was! To say that Lilly hit milestomes early is an understatement too. Anything cognitive was reached and surpassed weeks, even months before the average. 15 months for her first 2 - 4 word sentences! And even in adulthood nothing holds her attention for long and yet my Lilly is very creative and (when she wants to be) capable of some great work. Second child was like chalk to cheese. :D

And thank you for your support - I look forward to reading you work regularly now. :)

Oh my sweet Jesus 😅 It would be great to have a psychology post on what mothers in such situations resort to in order to keep going! What do you think? Please accept this trophy 🏆 for surviving her childhood and having managed to help her to become a creative, capable adult! 😊

Ha - one day I may write about it - but it wasn't all bad. In fact she developed a great sense of humour from an early age and who can't love the moments when they surprise themselves as well as us parents. It's sometimes hard to see the light on the darker days but no one said it would be easy, just worth it :D
thanks for the trophy 😊 I deserve it LOL.

Saludos mi estimada…
Una vez más, viéndome reflejada en sus agradables escritos.
Este un tema muy pero muy interesante, de esto erradica tantos comportamientos errados en nuestros niños y por ende en la sociedad…
Como usted sabe, tengo dos hermosos ángeles uno de 8 años y mi pequeño terremotico de 3 años.
Empiezo con mi hijo mayor, Xahir fue un niño siempre muy tranquilo con una personalidad muy calmada, bastante relajada diría yo, pero él fue criado solo en un entorno donde éramos solamente su papá y yo. Los dos trabajamos con un mismo fin que era fomentarle disciplina, orden, respeto, consideración, amor y pare de contar todos los valores habidos y por haber y hemos mantenido ese patrón hasta hoy día tratando de hacer de mi hijo un ser pensante con dirección hacia las cosas.

Vengo con mi amado Juan José, el desde que nació fue un niño más fuerte. Digo fuerte porque su carácter siempre fue dominante desde el punto de vista que lo puedan ver, ya al ir desarrollando su forma para expresarse ya sea el habla o los gestos este carácter se fue acentuando mucho más. Pero, aquí es donde considero que como padres debemos de buscar estrategias para fomentarle a mi niño lo que en su momento trabajé con mi hijo mayor no ha sido fácil puesto que el carácter de ambos es muy pero muy distinto pero tampoco imposible, ellos deben aprender a reconocer quienes son los padres y quienes los hijos ya que todo erradica desde el hogar. Todo dependerá del carácter y dominio que los padres puedan tener sobre sus hijos, puedo garantizar que siempre podrán haber ciertos berrinches es parte del crecimiento de los niños pero es necesario que ellos sepan cuando algo está bien o no.
Por ej. Cuando a usted le pidieron:

Su madre estaba bañando a su hermanito y su padre nos pidió que la miráramos durante unos minutos mientras salía a tomar unas copas.

La felicito de ante mano, bueno; a ambos. Pero muy especialmente a usted no solo porque dijo que si, sino también porque supo manejar la situación. Supo cómo hablarle a la niña y mostrar su mejor cara para que ella pudiera entender que usted necesitaba hablar algo serio con su esposo, trasmitiendo a la niña un mensaje directo pero con sutileza donde ella pudo captar que no era el momento para ella.
¿A QUE ME REFIERO CON ESTO? Si hay formas y maneras de cómo educar a nuestros niños, es necesario mostrar carácter y dominio al momento de hablarles ya que suelen ser muy inteligentes y pueden darse cuenta con facilidad como y cuando ellos llamar la atención de los adultos.

¿por qué hay miles y miles de personas que provienen de familias de bajos ingresos y se convierten en adultos altamente funcionales, mientras que hay miles y miles de adultos disfuncionales que en realidad nacieron en la riqueza?

Para mí no es tanto si son ricos o pobres, todo erradica desde el amor de los padres.
Vengo de una familia muy pero muy humilde. Me atrevo a decir y no me avergüenzo que mis días de estudios fueron con solo una comida diaria y a pesar de eso siempre tuve una madre pendiente de mí y mis hermanos para que fuéramos superiores a lo que ellos un día fueron.
Nunca gozamos de tener una lista escolar ya que solo se tenía para la compra de un solo cuaderno y debía rendirlo para todo el año escolar. Para estudiar vivía en bibliotecas ya que nunca pudieron comprarnos las guías o libros, agradezco a Dios mi juventud haya sido así, ya que gracias a eso soy una profesional con los pies bien puestos sobre la tierra y consciente de siempre querer lo mejor para todo aquel que me rodea.
No lo logre sola, tuve una madre siempre haciéndome saber qué cosa estaba bien y que no, guiándome y corrigiéndome cuando lo ameritaba.

Por eso mi estimada, todo esta en manos de los padres.
Gracias por este tema, me dio la oportunidad una vez mas de poder expresar una vivencia mas.
Un fuerte abrazo!

Oh! What a beautiful, in-depth comment you left me here (once again) :) Thank you @jayoxaju

I am always intrigued about siblings who have the same upbringing; but, yet, display very different characters. It seems to happen very often!

I also appreciate you taking the time to discuss both your upbringing and that of your children. It just reinforces what research demonstrates. The healthy development of children towards becoming functional and mentally stable adults is more related to how they were looked after as children than to social status.

I wish you and your family all the best always 😘

I am always intrigued about siblings who have the same upbringing; but, yet, display very different characters. It seems to happen very often!

Asumo suele suceder muy a menudo ya que son dos seres totalmente distintos, a pesar de ser cuidados con el mismo amor y la misma disciplina.

Es como yo lo veo mi estimada.

When you look at a toddler it is hard to think that they are nothing other than cute little angels.

Actually, whenever I see a child, it's basically my worst nightmare come true.
I will never understand people who decided to have children on purpose. Evil, little things they are.

I bet you were so cute when you were a little kid 😍

I don't think so.
My first words were probably something like "Fuck off and don't touch me!"


Oh my God!! 😂 Unbelievable ...
I just heard your voice ... you sound very, very serious!

That's because I have my serious face put on (ಠ_ಠ)

Still, I couldn’t believe how easy it was. All I had to do was ask!

I've always thought that we should just be absolutely honest with kids. Especialy regarding discipline and manners, I believe we need to specify and provide reasonable explanations as to why they are not allowed to do or say something. I believe that's the most efficient way to earn their respect and to raise responsible individuals.

Thanks for the nice read!
Have a great weekend!

Hello my dear @lordneroo :)
So nice to see you here. Thank you for stopping by ❤️

Very nicely put! Earning respect from the little ones is definetly key. Only then they will cooperate.

Take care :*

Hello friend @Abigail excellent topic with great relevance today since it is true that children starting school age show an aggression because they start their individual self-defense within the group and it is advisable to provide them with a lot of affection, teach them to follow instructions and prioritize the activities to strengthen their personality, where the position of the parents influences which, being permissive or not very communicative, induces them to be antisocial seekers of situations to get attention but if they are informed and sometimes punished (not abuse) or suspend what they like is notorious to improve the relationship because that is why there is the award or punishment according to Jean Piaget psychologist where it induces them to behave as a habit.

I hope you spend a happy weekend surrounded by little angels.

I like Jean Piaget very much too @marlenis :)

Thank you for your comment!

Hello my dear @ abigail-dantes that good to have you back with your posts so interesting, on this issue I think it is a challenge for us as parents to know how to treat aggressive behavior in our children as we often face to disobedience and rebellion in children since it is a difficult case that if we do not correct it from childhood, it will probably cause problems in the future.

In a week, I saw Lilly beating her mother in the face, calling her father a dragon, throwing things out of the cabin, refusing to sleep, the list goes on. <

lilly's case is a very complicated case, since we talk about physically or psychically hurting another person in an intentional way.
The family is one of the most relevant elements in the sociocultural factor of the child. The family is everything to him. The family is their model of attitude, discipline, behavior and behavior. It is one of the factors that most influence the construction of aggressive behavior.

After drinking more water than originally planned, I still had nothing to say. Then, I simply put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed it gently, while she wiped away a rebellious tear. The conversation that never was, died right there, when we approached our husbands <

Good gesture on your part to give encouragement to lilly's mother, since she must feel weak.

Thank you for your encouragement about how I reacted to Lilly's mother @joserar22 :) She definitely took me by surprise! And yes, I completely agree with you, when the child's misbehavior involves physical aggression it does becomes complicated. Especially when they are older. This is why it is paramount to modulate their behaviour from an earlier age :)

Thank you also for commenting.

hello dear abigail

Clinical psychologist JB Peterson says that for children to thrive in society and, therefore, in life, they need to be informed, their behavior must be modulated. <

We must give our children a lot of love, trust and attention even more in the face of aggressive behavior
At home we must create a family atmosphere of trust so that you can express your emotions. We must explain to him that it is normal to get angry or feel angry but the answer is not to hit, but he can tell us how he feels and thus discharge his emotions. Congratulate him for making good bed, for picking up his plate, for having behaved at a certain time and not having resorted to aggressive behavior
Be an example for the child: our attitude should not be aggressive, if they see us shouting, losing patience or slamming doors, we should not be surprised if they are aggressive. We must be congruent and be a role model for them children are aggressive because they learn to be aggressive, they can also learn to stop being aggressive.

Being close to Lilly is not exactly pleasant, other children and adults avoid it whenever they can. You never know how you're going to react later, and worst of all, we have to keep an eye on her at all times. When I say look, I mean it. She takes center stage. If you do not look at her, she will physically force you to do it <

In the case of Lilly what she does is to draw attention, her parents have to make her understand that her behavior was not adequate and even perform some privative or educational punishment without mistreatment and with much love to discipline her and, of course, she must ask for forgiveness to the person who hurt.

I wish you a happy weekend.

Very important points here @josmarly :)

Disciplining a child doesn't not mean to be aggressive towards them. Love, communication and rewarding good behaviour is always the way to go. But is is also very important for parents to set limits and learn to say 'no' when necessary.

Thank you for commenting!

Hello @ abigail-dantes !, very interesting this post, of aggressive behaviors in children, from my point of view the family is responsible for the behavior in children since at birth, babies bring loving and aggressive impulses that, Over time and with parental care, you will begin to distinguish and differentiate. Depending on the establishment of your emotional ties, you will begin to develop a type of personal or other relationships. For example, an undemanding father who has hostile attitudes, and who is always disapproving and punishing with constant physical or threatening aggression to his son, will be promoting aggression in the child.
Another factor that induces the child to aggressiveness is when the relationship between their parents is tense and continuous.

Lilly started to push me to see what I was doing. I ignored her and kept talking to my husband. Then, he stood in the chair and turned my face towards her with his little hands. Gently I removed his hands from my face, I forced a smile and said while stroking his hair 'Lily, I have something really important to tell your uncle over there (she calls us uncle and aunt), when I finish talking with him we can chat and play . "My husband looked at me, my heart was pounding, I thought 'here comes the scream'. <

I imagine his fear that lilly would react aggressively towards you, thank God it was not like that ..

Have an excellent weekend.

Yes! We were all anxious about her reaction! Can you believe it?? But, that is what happens when Lilly is around. Her behavior intimidates everyone and makes everyone uncomfortable. This is why people tend to avoid her :/

Thank you for stopping by and adding more valuable information to our discussion :)


what a pearl in the steemit sea.
As said I'm father of two childrens 4F and 2M and my wife travel for her job 5 days a week.
Is very difficult for me to be "a perfect dad" but i try very hard.
Thank for this advice.
Expecially when tired my childs became mad
I have to keep in mind to ask instead of shout'em

I'm going to read all your posts.
Thanks again Abigail @abigail-dantes

Hello there @ciuoto :)

I am truly pleased to hear you found this post useful. Thank you for your kind words!

There isn't a single mum and dad who is 100% perfect. And it is hard to find the energy to deal with the little ones when one is tired or concerned about all the that goes on in life. But here is the thing, try to police yourself and not shout at them. Take a deep breath and remember that children also learn from watching! If you shout at them now, it is very likely they will shout at you and your wife (and other people), when they are older. No parent wanted this! If you take that deep breath now and control the kids with affection and love it will surely pay off in the long term. It is a lot easier to deal with the difficult behaviour of a 2 and 4 year old, than that of a 8, 9 or of a teenager. The way they are behaving now is mostly guided by instinct, but later on it will be guided also by what they learn from their mum and dad. So, if mum and dad are patient and kind with them, that is what they will learn :)

They are very lucky for having a loving, thoughtful dad who looks for and read information about little naughty children! :)

All the best to you.

Of course perfect was an extremization of the speech. perfect people are boring :D
and yes I have take "some" deep breath because i'm a little bit over the limits of my patience.
I know I can do it and with a little help it will be possible.
At least is saturday and mom is at home ;)

I don't have children but I am the oldest kid amongst 3 in my family and I have helped a ton raising my two sisters and watching them grow.

I have a feeling that the word discipline has become a taboo for modern parents. Even though, discipline entails nothing more, nothing less than rewarding good behavior.


I get the feeling that the word 'discipline' is regarded as something negative, related to violence and limitations. Quite on the contrary.
Being a supportive human being first, and then applying your understanding and psychological approach to your parenting pattern is a powerful and effective way to discipline your child, while at the same time widening it's perspective about the outside world.

As always, great content written with elegance and personal touch.

Thanks for the read !

All the best to you, as always :))

I burst into laughter when I read your 'amen', there is no more straight-forward way of agreeing with something that has been said! I love it 😂

And because, like you, I like when things are to the point

applying your understanding and psychological approach to your parenting pattern is a powerful and effective way to discipline your child

Amen 😃 I am so stealing this from you 😏

You take care of yourself! And again, all the best with your new projects!

When you make a clear point like the one I quoted, there is nothing really else to say.

I still get surprised by the similarities in our thoughts on various psychological topics and I must admit that I enjoy them!

When you make a clear point like the one I quoted, there is nothing really else to say.

I still get surprised by the similarities in our thoughts on various psychological topics and I must admit that I enjoy them!

Hola bella Abigail.
Me encanta este tema, conozco muchísimas madres que se les ha escapado de las manos el comportamiento de sus niños tan pequeños, muy cerca de casa hay un niño que tiene 7 años ya, pero dese que tiene 4 años donde llegaba le cerraban la puerta, nadie le quería y hasta miedo sienten todavía cuando se acerca. Su madre no está pendiente de él, y ese niño necesita ayuda.

Hello my dear @karinavb :) It is great to see you here!

Oh! The situation of the kid you have described here is absolutely heart-breaking. He is being absolutely neglected! :( His mum needs to become more responsible for his upbringing immediately! Otherwise, there is a high probability he will struggle in his future!

I wish you a wonderful weekend :*

This reminds me of one of our former neighbours. Her little daughter started exhibiting some unruly behavioural patterns quite early.
But when the mom pointed out this to the father, he would always say "leave her, it's just infancy, and she would grow pass it".. But did she grow pass it? That's the problem, she actually grew with it. And now people that know the father are saying that she took after her father's behaviour; that he was troublesome at his younger age.

But if they had moulded and structured the daughter's character, she would not have grown into this.

One friend of mine said one thing that piqued my interests; and I think he made the reference from the Holy Book. He said

Spoil the rod and spare the child.

Abbey; do you agree with this?

Nice piece Abbey

Sammyyyy 😃

I am against resorting to physical aggression Sammy. And this is just because I believe it raises fear in the child. In my opinion, I think parents should build a relationship in which they are respected rather than feared.

I am glad you shared your real-life example here with us, because it just supports most of the research and studies I went through :)

Have a wonderful Saturday dear Sammy :*

Wao, this post has really contributed to my knowledge, My 3years old son also behaves differently from the other two. He wants things done his own way; sometimes I wonder how his kindergarten teacher copes with him although he is quite intelligent with brilliant ideas but it can be frustrating at times.
Thank you @abigail-danttes for sharing this.

Hello dear @ugonma :)

Yes, these smart little kids are sure a handful! 😅 I am pleased to hear you found my post useful. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!

Have a great weekend :*

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Thank you very much :-) I really appreciate it.

Hi @abigail-dantes
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buenas tardes , amiga abigail , mis saludos. sobre el comportamiento de la pequeña de tu relato, puedo decirte que a veces no sabemos como hacer para corregir a nuestros hijo, y menos si son rebeldes. pero te puedo decir que una forma que ellos se den cuenta que estan actuando mal es no cumplir sus deseos asi nos griten muchas veces debemos hacer que nos pidan las cosas correctamente si ellos estan enfadados y nos responden mal solo hay que corregirlos y decirles no esta bien como estas contestando puedes pedir las cosas sin gritar , y le debemos dar un tiempo para que reflexionen . esos niños pienso hay que tratarlos con mucho cuidado son especiales

Hello dear @luisateresa,

Thank you for sharing some of your insights about this topic with us. I particularly agree with you when you say 'when need to give children a little time for them to reflect on their behaviour'. So true! An angry child needs space, and to understand they can only rejoin the fun when they have calmed down and thought about their actions :)

I wish you a wonderful week.

Are you very politely blaming Lilly's parents? 😄

But yeah, while I was reading this, I was thinking, "the parents probably need to be stricter with her". Didn't expect the 'twist': that it could happen as easy and politely as that.

Have you watched We need to talk about Kevin?


Yes!!! I did whatch ‘We need to talk about Kevin’! What a movie, Swinton’s performance .... well, everyone’s really. The kid is unbelivable. It looks like we go for the same sort of movies! :)

It's a great movie for sure! It's rare that visuals and acting and storyline are all great.

[email protected]! Interesting story. I was quite strict with my children, my daughter was a difficult child, don't you find it's normally the girls that are the most difficult! But she was very studious, always had her head in a book and subsequently qualified as a solicitor. @ugonma describes her son as bright despite his behaviour. In my professional experience it's normally the child/ren who demonstrates an independent streak from very early on somehow goes on to achieve great things in life. However having said that, it would appear Lilly's parents may have given Lilly her way waaaayyyy too much to the point where Lilly has taken control of whatever situation she's in. To physically lash out suggests there may be something else going on that her mother is not talking about.

I'm a couple of days late viewing your post only because I'm very busy and under pressure to get things done, but I continue to be present. All the best @abigail-dantes, until next time..Peace :*

Lilly's parents may have given Lilly her way waaaayyyy too much to the point where Lilly has taken control of whatever situation she's in

Oh! Lilly is the almighty queen. She is a very smart, good-looking little girl. She has learnt how to get what she wants, and it is working for her. In more than one occasion her mum said she had a very strict upbringing. I often think that in trying to avoid the same happening with her children, she was gone to far towards the other extreme. But, like your daughter's example suggests, 'strict' doesn't mean lack of love! Despite the strict environment you brought her up in, she became a successful, accomplished adult! Congratulations to you my dear :)

I'm a couple of days late viewing your post

Never! You are never late around here! It is my total pleasure having you taking part in these discussions whenever you have the time for it :)

Much love to you always :*

Haa!ha!..'Lilly is the almighty queen'!! That made me laugh :) I agree with you, strict does not mean lack of love. Sometimes I think we try to change things to somehow prevent the thoughts and feelings we had as children when we perceive to have missed out on love, only to realise it can go against us.

Thank you @abigail-dantes, I'm humbled by your words. :*

Hello Abigail it's been a while! Thanks for another marvelous post and now it's time to dig into it! Everytime i don't know where to start!

I think kids should learn what boundaries mean and are from the beginning like what's happening in the animal kingdom that you mentioned. If they learn from a young age that "you should be allowed to do this and not that'' and at the same time you earn something or lose they will end up getting the message. At the same time the parents even though i get that they may be tired from work, they must pay attention to their children needs and help the grow. It needs patience, it will be difficult but they need to lay the foundations from a young age.

Also about the low income families and much higher ones i think the key lies in spending more time with the child and not spoil him. Ofc that isn't absolute and it is just my personal opinion but from what i have seen rich families tend to provide too many things to their children, meaning too many unnecessary things so they child learns from a very young age to have everything that wants to so in other words no limits and boundaries are raised. At the same time the parents may not have the time to spend with their children a time that will be spend with a nanny, so no mother-father figure, but instead a person that has not full ''rights'' to manage the child as he/she wants too.

Poor income families on the other hand (except if they are the bad example and exploit their children :P) they will set boundaries right away because they have so little and they will even set responsibilities like for example the 7 year old to take care of the 4 year old. They might go to work and help their parents if it's let's say a farm or something so they will spend a huge amount of time with their parents.

Finally, to close it because again i read too much :P another thing is regularly see and it is a stupid ''reason'' yet logic in the parents mind of not setting boundaries is the cuteness and ''first time parents'' thing. They keep saying in their brains '' how can we punish a little kid'' ''i don't wanna be the bad father or mother'', ''ahh let him do what he/she wants, he/she will grow up and learn'' and like that they keep avoiding the problem. It's funny that in many cases that only happens with the first child that they don't exactly know how to manage it!

Allowing your friend to share her despair over her daughter during your walk with her may have been just what she needed most at the time... a friend to listen. And, well done, @abigail-dantes, on being firm with Lilly when she interrupted your conversation with your husband. Being firm and not giving in was probably the most loving thing you could have done for Lilly at the time. Luv ya sissy! 😍

You are an angel my dear @karencarrens. Always spreading positive, loving and encouraging words!

Luv you tooo 😍

Behaviours usually get modulated so fast especially in this part of the world, that all it takes is one sentence from the mother, "I will tell daddy" to get the most obnoxious, unruly kid to order. No one wants a whopping the way fathers usually give it. Some mothers, too, know how to provide it as evidenced here. It appears draconian and some wonders if it works. I'd say it has a higher percentage of success in keeping the very boisterous and manipulative kids in line. Though some disagree with the process, most African parents may very well tell you it works more than any other methods of checkmating lousy behaviour. It is a subject that not everyone agrees with, but from my experience, it works! It may not have to be physical, and it may range from denial of privileges such as the use of a phone, outing, presents, etc. as punishment for bad behaviour. With time the kids learn that bad behaviour comes with discipline. For a balance, good practice should come with a reward.

Oh my God Green!! Her distress while explaining herself to her mother!! Owwww..
But, all her mother needed to say was 'stop now!' (when she went towards the brother). Also, the mother is SO switched on 'there are no tears coming down your eyes!' (this reminds me very much of Lilly!). That adorable little girl surely respects her mamma! Poor little thing. She is so pretty 😍

Like you, I very much agree with punishing bad behaviour; and also as you pointed out, it is important to balance it out with rewarding discipline and good-manners! :)

Lots of love to you Green. Now, I have to show this video to my husband !!!


That was a cuteness attack. She pleaded her case very well, I hope she was able to convince Mama and walk away from that dreaded flip-flops :)

I'm just reading this now ... I haven't been going through the feed much recently and I thought, where is Abby's friday post LOL

you win Lilly

Yea that's just terrible to say, handing over power

After drinking more water than initially intended I still had nothing to say.

You're hilarious :D :D

All I had to do was ask!

Loved it! yet that is so difficult for parents to do when drawning inside all the messy behaviour. I used to watch a show called Nanny or something, excellent stuff about how to properly connect with kids and make sure they understand what and when they can do things or not.

We do face troubles with our baby girl as well, who doesn't, a little trouble I think is healthy, we don't want our kids to be with low self-steem (if I'm wording that properly), but how do we make sure kids stand up properly for themselves? I want to help my girl with proper values and balanced-fighting personality. What's your take on this ? :)

Hello @mcfarhat :) ❤

You're hilarious :D :D


So, your little one has a strong character! When they are like that they do make mum and dad work that extra hard to keep harmony in place 😊 And, here is one thing I always say to parents; it is a lot easier to convey to a young child what is acceptable and what it is not, than to a 8 - 10, or 15 year-old.

but how do we make sure kids stand up properly for themselves?

You give them a voice :) always, and always. It is very important for parent's to punish without oppressing. I believe in the 'naughty' corner approach you have seen in those programs, for example. A child should never be locked away, but should be sent to a step or little chair, and be informed that she can only rejoin the others when she calms down. When she calms down mum or dad should discuss with her why she was sent there and ask how she felt about it.

Each undesirable behavior should be dealt with in a similar way. If she is that naughty and this happens often, it is very important to create a balance through rewarding her good behavior. Like this she won't feel that life is all about punishment. She will feel that she is also valued and loved.

It is through this dynamic that parents build connection with their kids. A dynamic that shows the child 'there are limits in life that must be respected; but mum and dad are here to help you to face them because they love you more than anything in the world.'

It is very demanding indeed. But it pays off in the long term :)

Thank you SO much for taking the time to read and comment! I hope you know how dear you are to me. Lots of love to you, your wife and the little one! :*

Likewise dear Abby, likewise ! :)
Very insightful advise as always, thank you so much!
To be fair to my little princess .. she is amazing, can be naughty at times like all other kids, but when considering what I see from other kids, I have an angel LOL, still I don't let her get away with being naughty and I do employ reward & punishment. The funniest thing when I tell her you won't get chocolate today, she tells me "Eva (her name) was naughty and she is not getting chocolate, okay?" gives me a big round of laughter lol

Hey we are still set to have an online laughing session, ping me when you have some time !!

ayay! i can relate so much while reading this , because i have the minis, you know that miss Abi, hehe. Zeph is 11 already , Alex just turned 3 and Freia is 1 . I would say i agree that agression is innate , i have been taking care and looking after my kiddos just on my own , so i havereally observed their behavior , and thank God i am still able to manage, LOL. I think i have a combination of being a disciplinarian and a sweet mom , i talked to them everytime they are doing something not really good. And rewarding kiddos for me are also good motivation.

By the way about your experience with Lily , oh no! i can imagine how she poked you in the face jist to get your attention , Alex , my second do that sometimes ,and she also have tantrums sometimes , i just let her do her thing ,let her cry then talk to her afterwards , talking to them is really a big thing

I just wish your next visit to Lily will be a good one miss Abi, hehe

I am very happy ti have read your post again ,and a never-ending thank you for always supporting us , take care always especially your health , God bless you more nd your husband
We love you always miss @abigail-dantes 😘❤️❤️❤️

You are a beautiful, brave, loving mother my dear @zephalexia. The minis are really privileged little children for having you as their mum!

I agree with your approach of letting Alex calm down and then talk to her. Communication is truly important.

You take care of yourself too ❤️
Lots of love!

you made me teary-eyed on this one , really. i mean i just felt good when somebody tells me i am a good mom , because there are times i feel am not. thank you soo much miss Abi , i love you

This can be such a touchy subject and as one who does not have children, I often opt out as I know people think we childless don't 'understand' (which is true) and therefore have nothing to genuinely say about it.

I am always appalled when in stores and public I see the behaviour of children today. It seems, in my area at least, to increase each decade that the children live literally with NO consquences. When I see parents first try to bribe a child with gift or food, therefore reinforcing their current tantrum/bad behaviour and sometimes just letting them scream and rant as if they can't be bothered, I wonder at the state of the next generation.

I don't have a child, but I do remember being one. I know that if I were to make a scene in public my mother would firmly take me, in a way that suddenly made you realize she was the boss (no hitting, just the stance and sudden quiet stare) and then the explanation of why you should not be loud or whatever you were doing wrong. And if you did continue it there were consquences, that meant leaving the place or sitting somewhere and thinking about it and getting privileges taken away. Having a figure that is the 'boss' that doles out love and also consequences to actions is important, I think, to create an adult in the future that has a real perspective on how the world actually works.

I often wonder had I had children, would people have thought me abusive for the way I would have taught my children? Because I would most likely follow the consquences rule and today parents seem to think that just quiet talking and giving in is the answer, but the screaming demanding physically abusive children I see proves that it is indeed not.

But, if anyone with a child asked me their opinion, I would probably also remain silent, as I know we childless people are often not really considered a source of knowledge on the subject.

I hope your friend can find a solution for her daughter and herself.

A good example and an ordinary event you've chosen which many people can identify with. I wonder a little further regarding the relationship between you and the other woman.

It shimmers through that you probably would have liked to be of more support during her unexpected announcement that she cannot cope with her daughter - do I perceive that correct?

I know this feeling myself when someone blurts out something which he or she feels helpless to. My first reaction is similar to yours. I get silent. Don't want to say something trivial so I rather shut up and let silence speak for itself. Sometimes, this gets the other to open up and to tell more. Only nodding and listening activates what else will come up. I felt a little disappointed while reading that this moment of the two of you was interrupted and didn't get a chance to develop.

When I am in the shoes of the mother who feels frustrated and helpless, I like it when someone who I share this with shows me patience and assurance that he is not uncomfortable with me in this moment. I like it when this interlocutor starts to ask me questions. ... Requires a real interest in me finding my potential of solving a problem of mine.

... Also, what had helped me when someone was confirming what's difficult for me. My brother back then told me that I way too much discuss with my three year old. That hurt in that moment but I knew instantly he was right and that I did not allow myself to be the authority in this relationship.

I took on consulting and talked with my colleague about this matter. What I found out through my own counseling other people is the surprise when I spoke out what others only may think: "Is it possible, that you don't dare to take on full authority?"

Did you get the chance to mirror her daughters well response to you and that she might behave towards others in a better way? That - I experienced - gives so much relief to parents as they might think that their child behaves towards all people in the same way. ...

I felt a little disappointed while reading that this moment of the two of you was interrupted and didn't get a chance to develop.

Indeed, I felt I run out of time, and when we found ourselves alone once again I honestly thought she was going to elaborate more about her feelings. But she didn't. So, I just dropped it. Despite of everything I had in mind to discuss with her. As I felt that, due to her vulnerable state, she might have taken it as criticism.

As excited as I was when I saw how Lilly reacted to my request I soon fell into despair as I watched her bed time behavior. I do wonder how Lilly is going to be when she becomes a teen. Her last one was having mum and dad turning the world cup game off to watch her dance. They diligently did it. And I really don't know why!

I suppose this is because of the uncertainty and the projection of what adults believe themselves - and thus their daughter - to be capable of. ... It could also be that they did that because they were witnessed and did want to spare the stress saying "no" to her...

... As I read it so far, a vicious circle seems to have developed, so that parents and the child can come into less trusting contact at all. The child feels, the parents are tense.

It is not easy to criticize... Therefore the question would be interesting whether your criticism could not be one that the woman already heard elsewhere and is now confirmed by you. There is a risk of making oneself unpopular and even provoking unfriendliness and counter-talk. To accept such feedback in a positive way at the moment of its creation is rather rare. I have seen that such things usually happen afterwards and are not necessarily brought close to the person who gave the feedback.

Didn't you feel the same way when you got criticism, you couldn't respond positively to it at that moment, yes, you even got angry and yet days or weeks later you found something helpful in it?

I once had a situation with a friend in which I asked her what motivated her to formulate the demand towards her son (because I felt a lack of trust in her son). Thereupon my friend reacted very unfriendly, as my question had offended her. But if my objection led her to think about my question later on, that was the price for bringing her displeasure upon me.
I must admit, however, that my question was coloured by the fact that I did not like what I saw and that my disfavour was the cause of her reaction towards me. If I had been less clumsy and had cultivated openness to results instead of my judgement, the situation might have been less uncomfortable.

There's no guarantee, but there is a probability. Sometimes a critique goes well, sometimes not...

Hello Dear Friend, One of my favorite topics is children. I have watched Mother’s do some really mean things to their youngsters under the age of 4. So sad when they are already at an age when they are learning there are consequences to behavior, be it good or bad. Agree with others comments about children needing attention from a parent may devise all kinds of ways to get it. Do you reward the good or bad behavior? Even being punished becomes a reward if a child is getting no attention at all. Negative rewards may become a way for a child to thrive if the household is one where neglect is the norm.
Kids learn so quickly, especially in their most formative years up to age 6.

Great post. You handled the child well. It showed that Lilly does indeed have impulse control. She just needed a response to activate it, which you adeptly gave her. Much Love to you. ❤️🐓🐓

Even being punished becomes a reward if a child is getting no attention at all.

EXCELLENT point you have made here my dear friend! Thank you for pointing this out. I have often seen parents sending mixed messages to their little ones, in similar contexts.

I wish you all the best always ❤️

I agree with you, discipline seems to be missing at times in modern parenting. Furthermore, taking direct, calm, and responsive actions to childrens behaviors is healthy and important for their development. I am privileged to see this problem from several different fronts.

I feel the avoidance of parents dealing with children's behaviors is caused by an over reaction from past parental practices where children's feelings were not taken into account enough. Like a pendulum, we have, as a general public, swung to far in the other direction and are walking on egg shells around children's feelings; hoping to avoid perpetuating the childhood hurst we experienced as children.

I personally have enjoyed learning about this dynamic from Janet Landsbury. She seems to have a very level headed, yet holistic view of child development that address the importance of our childrens emotions, but without walking on egg shells. Here is a link to her website for those who are interested.

Cheers! And good article!

This is an incredibly valid point @steveystevey123

I feel the avoidance of parents dealing with children's behaviors is caused by an over reaction from past parental practices where children's feelings were not taken into account enough.

So well put! :)

Thank you very much for your incredibly thoughtful and insightful comment (and for the link!).


Hello Abi. This one ended a bit more abruptly than others but is as interesting as the others. How have you been? I'm sure that work is giving way to a little steemit time now and then.

I don't have much experience with children but I have a nephew that literally does whatever he wants most of the time except when I'm around. He is about twenty months old and he doesn't mind refusing to eat sometimes, making his mother's work that more difficult. One day, I walked past where he was being fed by his mother and she called me back. When I came back, she said nothing but continued feeding him. I asked her what she wanted me to do and she said the boy always ate his food obediently when I'm in view. I thought it was a coincidence but this has happened a few more times after that incident.

I started observing my interaction with him as compared with that of the other adults in the house. I realised that everyone let him have his way always except me. If I think he should not climb the upholstery, I stop him in spite of his tantrums, whereas others would just let him have his way just so he won't cry.

So I agree with you that discipline is key in ensuring that our children do not terrorise us later in life.

I hope you and your husband are doing great. It is wonderful to read from you as always. Lots of love from me to you. Have a great week 😍

Hello my dear 😍

We have been fine over here. I am not so busy with work this month, but I trying to spend quality time with the family. This means staying away from the computer a little :) What about you?

Your personal example is so interesting! What I liked the most though, was when you said 'whereas others would just let him have his way just so he won't cry.' This is precisely the case in Lilly's household! Except that in the long run is just making everyone exhausted.

Perhaps, precisely because her parents are always so tired they can't see the logic in the whole scenario.

Thank you for stopping by and contributing to our debate with your valuable insights and personal experiences my dear.

I am off to watch the world cup game :*

Lots of love to you always.

Hello @abigai-dantes

I guess one of the most effective ways to condition children embrace socially acceptable behaviors, is to reward them for good behaviors and punish for bad behaviors in a very friendly atmosphere. And it is very important, in cases where kids are punished, to tell them beforehand the reasons for such punishment. Punishments Mustn't entail physical hitting or any of such crude methods; something like denying them their favorite candies is a better option.

Even this strategy is used in training dogs and in animal husbandry.

Great post as always.


@eurogee of @euronation and @steemstem communities

in cases where kids are punished, to tell them beforehand the reasons for such punishment.

Absolutely! This is a very important point. Thank you for raising it in our discussion here @eurogee :)

I wish you a very good day my dear !


Thank you for taking us through this psychological journey.

I think she can still be cultured at 7, wouldn't like your friend to give up on her. Discipline is essential in a successful child raising like you mentioned in the post.

I've learnt so much in your post, thank you so so much.

Hello @emmakkayluv :)

I am very glad to hear you found this post informative!

I believe so too! We all can learn at all ages really. Lilly is a smart little girl and she is very much loved by her parents, she has huge potential to have a successful future!

All the best to you :)

Thank you so much.
I wouldn't want her curiosity to know or do things place a wrong label on her..... Smile

Stay awesome.....

Lily sounds like a spoiled brat, some spanking will do wonders for her future well being. :D

😂 😂 😂 Oh my God!! No spanking ....
Ps: She is VERY spoiled 🙊

You take care!

Wow, there are really many "Lilly" and although we think "that child has problems" many times the problem is with parents. It is not easy, but we must treat our children with respect, learn to say "NO" but always with a lot of love and affection, explain for example if they want to go to the park but it is a rainy day, learn to say NO. It is not the same to say "We will not go to the park" in a tormenting way, to affectionately say "Daughter, we can not go to the park because it's raining, but we can sit in the chair watching movies"

Your observations are very valid @jesusagon. You are so right, a kid needs to be respected too, and they deserve to no why 'no' is 'no'. Communication is hard, but it is key!

Thank you for your comment :)

Esta es un excelente reflexión. Soy madre de dos niñas, una de 5 años, otra de 2 y estoy embarazada esperando un niño. Desde mi experiencia puedo acotar que la comunicación en fundamental en la crianza de los niños, ellos son como hojas en blanco donde cada experiencia que vivan se irá grabando y anotando, de nosotros como padres depende en gran parte lo que habrá escrito en esa pequeña hoja.

Es importante saber decir "No" en el momento indicado y demostrar quién es el adulto. Con amor y comprensión podemos guiarles e irles presentando reglas de convivencia que les ayudarán a solucionar muchos problemas.

A veces los berrinches son inevitables, pero no debemos dar nuestro brazo a torcer tan solo para que dejen de hacer ruido, al momento en el que se calmen debemos hablarles y explicarles que su comportamiento además de no haber sido el adecuado no les generó nada positivo, podemos darles ejemplos de como podrían haber reaccionado de una mejor manera.

Es importante escucharles y saber que opinan al respecto del problema que les aqueja, luego decirles que les entendemos y que queremos lo mejor para ellos y es por eso que existen esas reglas y hay que cumplirlas.

Te saludo y abrazo, me ha gustado mucho tu tema, he aprendido nuevas cosas y me emociono al saber que poco a poco lo voy haciendo bien con mis hijos. Gracias por compartir esta información con nosotros.

Hello @lilianajimenez :)

Your comment is beautiful and informative. Thank you for contributing to this discussion in a such thoughtful way :)

I agree very much with you when you say "y demostrar quién es el adulto"! Absolutely. I also really appreciate how you explained that saying NO, and showing where to draw limits can be done with affection and in an informative manner. This, in my opinion, is what discipline is!

I wish you and your children a wonderful weekend!

Muchas gracias por tu comentario, me ha gustado mucho participar en tu publicación e incluso me inspiré y realicé mi post de hoy basado en consejos para evitar y solucionar los berrinches en los niños. Te saludo y abrazo.

Lily just had to listen to very nice and beautiful Aunty Abi. I don’t have much to say because the majority have said it all
I really enjoyed reading your post

I am very glad to hear you enjoyed it beautiful @florae
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment :) It is nice seeing you on my feed :*

Lilly sat on her chair and grabbed a doll; she didn’t look happy, but she didn’t make a scene either. When I finished talking to my husband a few minutes later, I had sort of forgotten about her, she is never that quiet. Then, she sweetly asked ‘auntie, can we chat and play now?’. Oohhh…😍 I said with the most genuine smile ‘Lilly! Did you know you are a very pretty AND polite little girl?’ She nodded in a happy, exaggerated manner. ‘Yeah! Let’s play!” I said, but peace reigned only until she had to go to bed. Still, I couldn’t believe how easy it was. All I had to do was ask!

my friend @abigail-dantes really everything is based on the way to treat the child does not prove that they are the ones who have to win. one has to show character but at the same time be kind as in your case what you said to the girl made her react in a favorable way. being hard but without hitting them helps to understand that they are wrong. Greetings and thanks your publications are very helpful.

Hello dear @catire383 :)

I agree with you. Punishment doesn't mean being psychically aggressive! Communication is important in all aspects of our lives, including educating children! :)

All the best to you :*

Wao, I'm surprised by Lilly's behavior being so small. I can say that it has a very developed manipulative character that, when it does not get what it wants, becomes aggressiveness.

But I love to know that there is an answer to such behavior and above all I thought the way you approached the situation with the girl, because they are in a period where as adults or parents we can Orientals and teach them correct behaviors as people and citizens.

Children can be educated forming their character which is what they say they are.

You can build a better future and a better person, when we clarify the rules that must be met and the limits that must not be exceeded.

Enchanted with the subject.

Missed you I love your post, they nourish me

Regards @abigail-dantes

Hello @rosibelsac

This is a very important reflection for parents and caregivers to have regarding the upbringing of children:

You can build a better future and a better person, when we clarify the rules that must be met and the limits that must not be exceeded.

Very well put :)

It is very important to treat our children well and learn to tell them things in the best way. Little by little we learn to be good businessmen with them. If my daughter wants a stuffed animal that I can not pay and I know I can not buy it, I would say: daughter leave that stuffed animal there, better go to the store and I'll buy you the goodies you like so much. or maybe if you do not want to sleep, instead of forcing her, I could tell you daughter tomorrow when I get up, I'll make you your favorite breakfast, sleep fast so you can wake up soon. I have done it and it has worked!

Oh @jesusvieira. I LOVE the breakfast idea 😃 how beautiful!! Your children are very lucky for having a thoughtful, communicative dad like you! :D

All the best and thank you for this wonderful comment!

Hello friend @Abigail I congratulate you on the choice of this very important post, since the small ones are the reason of life of the diverse families in the human beings, but precisely for that reason, it is that they must be raised with education, good habits and manners With great respect, communication and above all love to balance behavioral actions where the attention call is generated.
I hope you enjoy the weekend in the company of many children. Good night.

Hello @naylenis :)

Yes! Good points: communication is paramount!! But I liked very much here when you said it is important to balance out the times when we need to be firm with love and care :)

After all life is all about finding that balance.

Certainly your post is very interesting and coherent, many times children take these attitudes where the modern father as you mention do not take into account the reactions of these little angels, also I have a niece who will be 2 years old and you are right in the sense that 18 months begins the aggressiveness in them that if at that age is not controlled tend to do what they think, really very good I will tell my sister to read it, best regards.


Hello @calitoo :)

I am glad to hear you found the post informative. I hope your sister likes it :D

Take care :*

I assume you are a very balanced fair person who has a very good sense for justice. I will have my first child, a daughter. And you'd be someone I'd leave her alone with without a conscience. Thank you for sharing this contribution for all of us. And thank you for your kind comments about My Music. I wish you the best. Cheers, Sami D. Barid.

Hello there :)

Thank you very much for stopping by and leaving such a kind comment!
All the best to you.

Go that is a complicated issue, sometimes we would like to have a manual to be parents and educate our children correctly, in these cases as you describe, if we do not know what to do and we feel in a dead end, it is highly recommended to seek professional help .

Hello @yunairy :)

You are right! It would be much easier if there was a manual, right? But, love, establishing limits and safety are a very good start for any parent!

Thanks for stopping by!

This is a very good post. I do love children a lot. I know this could be a little 'cliche' but they are really the future of tomorrow. They deserve a lot more care and attention than we give them sometimes. I really do love this post. Nice one ma'am.

I am very pleased to hear you liked this post @thecappedvillain :D

You are right, children do deserve care and attention, but they also need to hear a 'no' (and why so) whenever necessary :)

Thank you for commenting!

Every no has many yes in it,

When it is to do with discipline, absolutely! :) Very philosophical @abdulmanan

Excellent post @abigail-dantes, I think that the respectful upbringing towards the children is very important, in the first years of life treat them with love and respect the children will grow following the example of the adults, they are small treasures that we must take care of and give them a lot of love, with the With the right words and with positive aptitude they will learn to manage their emotions in an appropriate way.

Thank you very much for your nice comment @anyiracsb. You are right! Good example, love and guidance are essential in the upbringing of a child! :)

Hi ms. Abi...

This is one of those reasons why I gave up my work when I gave birth to my baby, to pay more attention and take care of him since he is our only child, but reading your very informative post gives more information and realization as my baby is 4 years old now, when he stsrted to show aggression I was wondering what went wrong because 1-2 years old he is very tamed, now I know that it is innate.... But continuous love and care will be the best thing to do... Thank you so much miss. Abi for everything.... Have a great week God Bless.. 😘😘😘

Accolades for such an impeccable post. I also have an observation(Discliamer: i don't have experimental proof yet). But i observed that in most homes, the first child aren't usually aggressive until the birth of a second child. My observation started with my nephew, he is the first child of my sister and he is a funny and playful kid but not aggresive then my sister birth another boy. Some weeks after delivery, i noticed my first nephew(who is 6yrs now) showin despicable manners and behaviour within the brink of aggresion. So I thought something must have changed aside from the birth of a new baby and i found out they gave way less attention to my 6 yr old nephew and way more to the newly born. This discovery fascinated me and i got to asking around from families in my neighbourhood and most parents gave me answers similar to my observation. So could it be that kids start to become aggresive when they sense less or no love and attention from parents? Personally, I think this could be one of the many causes of aggression in kids.
P.S i have grown great admiraton for you Abigail as i have read many of your post which are nothing but intelligible and interactive.

Interesting Post Amiga Abigail!

"I can not deal with my daughter anymore, I give up! She makes me want to cry". <

In the case of lilly, who suffers the most for her behavior is her mother because she feels defeated by her behavior.

Lilly sat in her chair and grabbed a doll; She did not seem happy, but she did not make a scene either. When I finished talking to my husband a few minutes later, I had forgotten about her, she was never so quiet. Then, he gently asked 'aunt, can we chat and play now?' Oohhh ... 😍 I said with the most genuine smile 'Lilly! Did you know that you are a very beautiful and educated girl? She nodded happily and exaggeratedly. <

Taking into account that a child's aggressive behavior is a learned behavior and as such can be modified, the intervention of the parents is very important. Physical punishment is not advisable in any of the cases because its effects are generally negative: the aggressiveness is imitated and the child's anxiety increases.

We must show children other ways to solve conflicts such as dialogue, reasoning, and setting standards. If children see that adults try to solve problems with peace of mind, they can imitate this way of acting.

Greetings @ Abigail-Dantes.

happy day dear abigail I hope you are well ...
I really like your subject (like all the previous hahaha) particularly because I have lived with my niece her crying and malcriades attacks simply because her will is not done with whatever and the truth is something very irritating and exhausting. Regarding the relationship of culture with your attitude, you are right that being low income does not mean that it is bad behavior. I believe that everything will depend on the teaching you teach him as well as what they observe around him since his childhood and that over the years you continue to provide good habits.
Have a happy weekend :))

Hello dear :)

Of course it is exhausting! Being around a badly-behaved child is very demanding. But really, all they need in order to cooperate is guidance, affection and to feel safe.

I hope you are well too :)