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RE: Psychology Addict # 39 | Need For Approval & External Validation

in #psychology3 years ago

Thank you. I liked this topic a lot and want to share a longer comment this time.

The fascination with human pathology is a phenomenon, isn't it? It can be discussed particularly well in virtual space. Actually, only the other narcissists or even pronounced narcissists are always predisposed, but not oneself :-))

Particularly good examples can be found in the widespread media, which are concerned with politics and business. I also believe, however, that this is systemically conditioned and that people make other people narcissists once they have focused on this subject. A little I follow Eckhard Tolle, who says that we humans like feeding our painful bodies very much and eagerly. The keywording does its part.

My approach is that there is no such thing as a pure narcissist and a person unites many qualities, which always come to light when they are confirmed, strengthened and also put under suspicion by others (exceptions confirm the rule). The mutually feeding actors in a system do a lot to make someone into this or that character. It is a creation of several or many. For example, if you see the leader of a country as a narcissist. I think that the projection of many reinforce this special quality and also help it to size. If I perceive mostly the evil predominantly in a person, then I am quasi an accomplice of his negative views and actions.

I once read a very interesting fictional story about an apocalyptic existence in which a girl escaped from a dome city and got to know a companion on the way. She felt protected and accompanied by this companion. But finally she found out that her friend was the most feared creature on earth. She just didn't know it and treated the beast nicely. If she had known beforehand what a terrible creature it was, she would probably have run away in fear. It would never have been proven that the beast was also friendly. It is a strong symbolism here that has to do with fear. ... Who senses that other people fear him may acquire the strange conviction that people are to be distrusted.

... I think it is not only someone who tends to have narcissistic features if this increases, because I think that this tendency could be weakened if the environment is free of fear and prejudice.

My suggestion would therefore be to see if and to what extent one finds a narcissistic tendency in oneself.

For myself, I've found that when I'm under a lot of tension or quarrelling with someone close to me, I tend to make them the object of my mental analysis. This is quite common nowadays, as we live in a psychologized society.

My self-esteem decreases with the increasing devaluation of someone else, I see a direct connection there.

I then find that the more I attribute positive qualities to other people and encourage what they bring with them in terms of resources and solution intelligence, that then my own self-esteem also increases, because I was able to contribute to connote something positively and to frame it.

The thing is that you can't fake something like that and you need real kindness towards someone to not take what you dislike so important and to see in which hidden corner you can find self-worth. Most, if not all, people have these corners.

It is the flexibility of the self that allows us to explore new territories, rediscover, and recreate who we are from time to time.

Yes, very much so. I would even say that counts for each and every encounter during the day.

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That is a wonderful story that you shared Erika. And your views of the construct we are discussing here is a truly humanistic one. After all, we are also a product of our immediate and overall environment. We have core traits that are deeply embedded in us, but they sure either enhanced or dimmed by the interaction with other social beings.

Thank you for this incredible feedback!
Lots of love to you always :*

Thank you, Abi.
Have a relaxed weekend and enjoy the readers digestions:)

I'm really curious about this one:

My self-esteem decreases with the increasing devaluation of someone else, I see a direct connection there.

Why do you feel that way? Usually people use the devaluation of others to improve their own self-esteem.

Thanks for the question.

Because it shows me that if devaluating another person is my strategy in feeling better than I may be a winner of a debate but a loser of a relation (and my "face").

Devaluation actually is hurting my self esteem. I made that experience with people after fighting with them. When I said something mean I afterwards felt utterly bad. The satisfaction for having expressed something devaluating lasted exactly thirty or so seconds while adrenaline was still in my blood. Cooling down, I realized that the only one who I was fighting with I was myself. Even thinking bad of someone takes me down and leaves me dissatisfied - how about you?

I made the experience that finding consensus and respect makes my relationships richer. In the long run I don't have to spend so much energy in my self-esteem, it will come more naturally when I treat others good. Within this I still can remain critical and active.

... Not easy to practice, though. I am still falling into old patterns and habits.

To lose someone into one becoming an enemy which also I would have had a chance to befriend myself with is a loss which is not necessary. We are all also contributing to the big picture, don't we?

Thanks a lot for the extensive reply :)

When I said something mean I afterwards felt utterly bad.

Is this associated with everybody or just the people you feel a connection to? For me, it's somehow hard to imagine feeling bad about treating people badly for which I don't care in the slightest.

Even thinking bad of someone takes me down and leaves me dissatisfied - how about you?

For me it's pretty simple: if people behave in a way which justifies a harsh reply - I will usually go for it. I don't feel bad about it at all. Why would I? That person did something, so he has to live with the resulting consequences.

Is this associated with everybody or just the people you feel a connection to?

I try to stretch that to everyone as I believe connection goes far beyond people I meet in person.

Like this:

A farmer whose corn always took the first prize at the state fair had a habit of sharing his best corn seed with all the farmers in the neighborhood.
When asked why, he said, "It is really a matter of self-interest. The wind picks up the pollen and carries it from field to field. So if my neighbors grow inferior corn, the cross-pollination brings down the quality of my own corn. That is why I am concerned that they plant only the very best."
source: http://info.stiltij.nl/publiek/meditatie/studie/zenstories.pdf

See it as a self interest of mine to not wanting to let my anger or judging win over another human. As thoughts are not very much different from seeds I'd give the seed to whoever I disagree with, even then. At least, that is a practice I want to make into a habit and get better.

The fascination with human pathology is a phenomenon [...] It can be discussed particularly well in virtual space.

A virtual space rife with narcissists and trolls :P