Unpleasant relatives: how to communicate with them and when to stop.
In this article you will learn:
Emotional terrorists and their blood-taking;
Obsessive relatives: what to do;
Is it worth it to communicate with unpleasant relatives.
The concept of “family” is firmly associated with such unshakable values as home comfort, care and support. However, in reality, relationships with people who are in family relationships with you far from always bring positive emotions and a sense of comfort. Sometimes among relatives there are individuals whose moral character is very difficult to find nice features. They come to the forefront of a lack of respect, tact and elementary decency.
The complexity of the situation lies not only in finding strength in oneself and repelling an unpleasant relative. Sometimes it is difficult to break off relations with him because of the need to maintain family ties. How to communicate with relatives who unceremoniously violate your personal boundaries, and when it’s worth completely interrupting communication, I will tell in this article.
Emotional terrorists and their hostages of blood
To break up a toxic relationship or simply to put a boorish relative in place is hindered by not so grafted intelligence, as the mindset sewn into the mind of the mind “the family is sacred”.
From childhood we were told that close relatives should be treated with care, respect and understanding. The only trouble is that we were taught this and did not bother to explain it to them. There is no other way to explain the shameless interference of “respected” relatives in our privacy. Often these are representatives of the older generation, as well as those people who came into your life through the merger of families. And if you think that one day it will end by itself and the flow of destructive in your direction runs out, as if by the command of a magic wand, then you are greatly mistaken. Only you yourself should become a magic wand.
Obsessive relatives: what to do?
When raids outside your comfort become regular and noticeably destructive, it is worth moving into a counterattack. In the understanding of a wise person, it does not imply aggression, since this will further kindle the flame of conflict. The counterattack in this case is a clever psychological rebuff. If you find the right approach to unpleasant relatives and tactfully, but confidently make it clear that they have crossed the line, their manipulations will significantly decrease or stop altogether.
How to build relationships with relatives whose character you find difficult? Depending on the degree of kinship, age and manner of behavior, the specifics of communicating with a toxic relative has its own strategic character.
The relative asserts himself at the expense of you
There is no limit to his tactlessness and the flow of sarcasm towards you. Especially attacks of cynicism are exacerbated when the maximum number of relatives has gathered in the room. They are for such a person a grateful audience. And the target for ridicule is you.The cynic completely depreciates your achievements, laughs at your plans, resents your choice of a profession, life partner, civic position and everything that matters to you. Why is he doing this? In such a perverted way, he proves to everyone, and first of all, to himself, that he is better. A pitiful sight, in fact, but such behavior does not just bring out of balance. It can undermine self-esteem, and then completely deprive you of motivation in life.
What to do? No degree of kinship gives a person the right to interfere in your life in such a barbaric way. If possible, completely exclude the possibility of being with him under one roof. Or limit communication as much as possible. This tactic does not mean that you have lost. This is the saving of your moral resources, based on the natural desire for self-preservation.
A relative teaches you life
Remember the joke about the mother’s son’s son? So, in the eyes of this relative you look like his opposite. You will be constantly compared with some standard and, like a delinquent kitten, poke your nose for each discrepancy. Men rarely fall into this category. Most often these are relatives, “wise” by life experience. They know exactly how everything should be, and you must comply with the picture that has been looming in their minds for decades. An older sister, mother, grandmother, aunt, mother-in-law may turn out to be a lover of customizing you to your own standards. Of course, the wise advice of an adult and experienced woman can really help. However, it is appropriate if requested. “Teachers” give out valuable instructions with or without. Worst of all, if you did not take the advice and continue to live outrageously in your own scenario. In this case, you will be declared a brutal war.
How to establish relations with the mother-in-law (sister, mother, aunt, grandmother), who considers your life under a magnifying glass and criticizes all the time? Take the position of a Shaolin monk: once again, when they demand a report from you, correspondence and ask tactless questions, answer "I do not want to discuss this." Such a counterattack does not carry aggression, at the same time, the answer is closed and does not imply further development of the dialogue. And distance yourself.
The relative you always owe
Unlike a financial institution with which a contract is concluded, where all the rights and obligations of the parties are registered, it is extremely difficult to agree with this relative. You just owe him a point. Moreover, the return on his part is often disproportionately small, unlike what, in his opinion, you owe.
The list of complaints against you may vary, however, there is a place for everything:
“Borrow the money, I will definitely return it someday ...”
"Sit with my child today, but you still don’t do anything ..."
"I'm going to stay with you for a month or two ..." and so on.
If gestures of generosity once came from them, they remember everyone and demand from you "dividends". For example, such a relative converts a jar of jam to help in the garden, where in a 40-degree heat you dig a hectare or two of selected black soil. If you dare to refuse, a wave of accusations of ingratitude will strike you.
All these manipulations work on people with guilt and low self-esteem. What to do? Nurture a healthy egoism and learn to say no. Provide assistance that does not go beyond your comfort. Do not accept gifts from a relative if you know that he will require something in return.
His life, unlike yours, frankly did not work out. Work for a penny, unhappy love, a dull and monotonous existence, bitterly seasoned with a bouquet of chronic diseases. And in addition to that year, an unpaid loan lasting for him. And, instead of taking on the mind and changing something, he evenly delegates the solution of his problems to compassionate relatives. And you help. Although, deep down you realize that a deplorable situation a person once created himself.
Another variation on the theme of “poor relative” is a sacrificial hero. This person, unlike the previous one, helps everyone and saves everyone. But, he does it with such a sense of doom that you become unbearably ashamed. As a rule, the role of sacrificial heroes is assumed by senior relatives, whose assistance is provided under the auspices of "It is necessary."
In both cases, we are talking about manipulating all the same guilt. What to do? Get out of the role of a slave. Say a decisive "no" if you see that the kinsman does not make efforts to change the situation. In the case of the “sacrificial hero”, pre-voice that you do not require help and do it yourself.
A disconnected relative
Not only does he not care too much about his own safety, but he also puts at risk those around him. Typical phrases:
“Let’s throw it to the house. Well, so what, what did I drink a little? .. "
“Eat, do not be afraid! Expired? Yesterday I fed my own, and nothing, everyone is alive ... "
“My bull terrier is just a darling and loves children very much. Why is he a muzzle? ... "
“Sit down, I’ll ride a motorcycle! Helmet? Helmets for wimps ... "
“Delicious mushrooms, bought yesterday from an old woman. How do I know what an old woman is? ”And so on.
At the same time, all your remarks about how dangerous it is suppressed by the argument that you are a bore and a coward.
What to do? Remain a bore and a coward. This is a matter of survival.
Should I communicate with unpleasant relatives?
It is difficult to break off relations with people who are related to you. But, this is an extreme measure, which is resorted to only when it comes to outright hostility. In other cases, it is recommended to smooth sharp corners. If you cannot establish a friendly constructive dialogue, gradually move away. Distance is the only thing that will save you from the toxic effects of loved ones.