Bear worried about macros after poor blueberry harvest

in #satire3 years ago

keto bear[898].jpg

A Norwegian bear has gotten increasingly worried over the last few months about potential mineral deficiencies it might get following the record-dry Nordic summer this year, which has lead to a disappointing intake of blueberries.

The mostly keto-oriented bear has resorted to getting most if its nutrients from wild salmon and trout caught in rivers and streams, but hasn’t really been able to find good alternative sources of vitamin K and manganese lately.

Now, the bear is concerned that a mineral deficiency might lead to reduced hibernation quality in the winter, or even that a general macro imbalance could cause whoever knows what problems inside the den down the line.

Wanting to keep its carbohydrate intake low, the bear hopes to God it won’t get any cravings this year, as last year it couldn’t resist the container full of half-brown bananas behind the grocery store outside of the small town Trysil. The giant cheat meal totally kicked the bear out of ketosis for weeks, and it was shivering as hell for days after entering the den. “The typical carb shiver”, the bear said in a remark.

The bear has committed to eating only what his forefathers were eating thousands of years ago, convinced that this is the most healthy approach to longevity also for modern bears. He would hate to give into his cravings for human food, which can be pretty addictive.

At press time, the bear is looking into a pure carnivory diet which he has heard a lot about lately, but the bear isn’t totally convinced of its benefits quite yet.


"The giant cheat meal totally kicked the bear out of ketosis for weeks" Ha! You got me with that bit :)

It's really hard for keto bears to be exposed to these cheat meal containers. They just can't help themselves. Bears 10 000 years ago probably lived healthier lives.

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