My Train Journeys to Work - Oh Joy !steemCreated with Sketch.

in #storylast year (edited)

Its been about 5 months that myself and @slobberchops have been on the same project or gig as he likes to call it.

I’ve never commuted before via train on a regular journey so this was to be my first and @slobberchops assured me that once you get into the routine of it, it can be quite pleasurable and relaxing.

“You can read a book, go to sleep, listen to music or just prepare for a PhD”.
(ok that last one he didn't say really)

Four months on and it's all coming together. I know exactly where to stand on the platform to align myself when the doors open. I know which side of the exit to stand so as not to obstruct the exiters. It makes sense that they will disembark and turn immediately towards the exit sign so naturally you just stand on the other side.
Most people will also exit by the carriage door in the direction which is closest towards the exit to the station, so if you want to get seated quicker you make sure stand at the door further away from the platform exit. i.e. shorter queue to exit vis-à-vis quicker to get on and grab one of the better seats… (I hope this is making sense).


Speaking of which, I don’t like sitting on the 4 seats with the table in the middle, If I do end up sitting there my luck always has it that either I’m trying to avoid eye contact with a 6’5” inch thug who appears to be staring at me and is looking for any excuse to detach me from my golden goose eggs.


Almost on par to this is sitting opposite an incredibly sassy babe with a huge busm busting out of the low cut top, … they appear to be magnets to my eyes and a moments slip in concentration and will power I will find myself staring at them like a zombie, drooling from the corner of my mouth - so I try to stare at my phone,... That speck of dust on the table, that fly buzzing around … I pretend to be looking out of the window enjoying the scenery…. Anything really, anything to avoid eye contact with those Huge beauties.


I know if my eyes venture anywhere near them even for a split second it will be by some strange cruel universal law when she happens to catch me looking at them, … I will then be the pervert that was sitting opposite her in the train staring at her tits all through the journey to her office colleagues, the minute she gets to her workplace … aghhh!


So I find the two seats which basically look at the back of 2 other seats, I lower the tray if there is one and listen to my audiobook while I start to nod off… I try not to put my bag on the single-seat next to me which is blatantly inconsiderate, but instead put it between my legs. This has the effect widening the distance between my knees and so I intrude a little bit on the empty seat next to me. No one can accuse me of being inconsiderate now, but potential sitters would probably look to sit somewhere else before attempting to sit on this 0.75ths of a seat... seasoned commuters, you know what I’m talking about, .. Surely I’m not the only one who does this.

Although I think they might be wising up to me

I have managed to now fine-tune my commute. I can wake up 5 mins before my station is due. Like I mentioned I know exactly where to stand on the station platform, I also leave my ticket in front of me to flash to the inspector, .. unlike the early days where I would spend minutes trying to fish it out of my pocket (always the last one that I check) while the inspector twiddles his thumbs now having committed to properly checking my ticket.

One thing that I cannot influence is what type of train is going to turn up.
In the UK on some of the rail network, there are trains which should have been sold off for scrap metal back when Duran Duran was playing in their parents’ bedroom.

I’m sure there are places in rural Africa which have better trains than this. [Disclaimer: any steemians in rural Africa, .. I'm not dissing your trains, I'm sure they are very nice with a high level of upholstered comfort and unequalled buffet carriages of Michelin star quality food and wine.. yep].

Maybe this train actually came from there and was previously used to herd sheep or buffalo to the abattoir?.. or maybe worse back from the abattoir.



The seats in these trains resemble benches rather than seats, there are no head restraints and the fold-down tray, well there are none or were broken off to hit someone with. If you get a seat that looks like some bum hasn’t wee’d on in the past, well that’s a bonus.

Today however was an extra special day. I did get a tray, but as if to spite me and prepare me for the type of day I was going to have - my predecessor had decided to do some artwork with a bayonetted he just happened to have upon his person.


oh, Joy - happy days.


I think my local trains are starting to wising up to me too!

lol, .. iv never done that, ... they have cameras you see and like your adapted .jpg shows its not allowed.

ya, turns out man spreading his seeds on public transport is a big no no these days

That cock and balls: 5/10.

Extra point added for difficulty of scratching in to the plastic, but the fact it has wings brings the overall score down.

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alright @ashtv,... i guess the people who vandalise the train in such a way, should take some lessons or practice elsewhere first, .. i too didn't think it was much cop, .. but i have no way of telling him (or her ...ooerrr) .... maybe ill scratch the wings out for him. :-)

Ha! They need to be schooled

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Ah, a reminder of those glorious days when I used to take the cattle truck train to work. I got very friendly with people's armpits. The trains I took were always battered to bits with the tops of the seats coming off, etc. That's because I lived in an area that was considered "undesireable". If I got on a nice clean, comfortable train, I knew I'd got on the wrong train, one that was going to the more upmarket town further west.
Tip: if you want a really comfortable commute, take a line that politicians use.

hi @natubat, thanks for the tips and yes the Armpits!! .. we have had some seriously hot days (only a few)... and those armpits were making themselves known..yuk. .. hmm ..youd think there'd be some politicians on the manchester route but maybe they all hang down south, mabe they think we are still use the horse to get around :-)

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The number of times you come in late bemoaning the train was cancelled has changed my mind about the UK's trains. Not much has changed, and the car is still king.

@slobberchops, ... we've had some decent weather and this is the situation, ... now the weather is turning bad expect more delays, .. you know leaves on the track and all that :-|

I enjoyed reading these anecdotes for train-commuting protocols. I can relate to them all. Also your spelling of busm made me lol :-)

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ah @mrhill, .. you'll have to forgive me for my spelling of that word, . .. I don't use it that often, ... I just generally use the subtle 'TITS' :-)))

Yep, I am very glad that I can drive my own car to work every day. It's a half hour one way and it is fairly uneventful most of the time. This was a pretty funny story. Thanks for sharing.

hi @bozz, .. i spent 8 years commuting with the car, it has its advantages, however falling asleep is not one of them, .. which I often do on the train. :-)

I can see how that would be a problem.

Lol ver realized so many things when traveling to work but it'd absolutely true! I have the same when I bike to work in Copenhagen(we all bike around there) and I'm waiting for the green light whole some woman might have a slightly.. good looking butt. I feel like if I take a sneak peak some woman beside me is gonna kill me.

Good read though, didn't know travel to work could actually be written this entertaining :)

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hi @holm , id recommend some dark sunglasses for such situations, .. head forward, .. but eyes left . :-)

damn, you really are an expert

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You should grow a beard, then you'll always be the last person people sit next to.

It's really quite a bonus!

I'm quite lucky with my train commuting, it's usually end to end so I'm guaranteed a seat each way and more importantly it's only ever a few days every month!

hi @revisesociology, hmm you might have something there - me with a big bushy beard with a backpack on my back running for the train, ... never mind getting a seat I think I might get the whole carriage to myself ! :-)

Thanks for taking us aboard with you along your commute! I thoroughly enjoyed the journey.

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