How to recognize an abuser at the beginning of a relationship
In this article you will learn:
Why did the tyrant choose you;
How do they become tyrants;
How to recognize an abuser at the beginning of a relationship;
How to behave with the abuser.
Today you walk under the moon, timidly hold hands and make plans for a joint future. And when the flair of romance is replaced by a monotonous life, your beloved turns into another person. And you cannot understand why such dramatic changes have occurred. He puts moral pressure on you, humiliates you, and, even worse, opens his hands. And you are perplexed how a cute and pleasant guy turned into a real monster. In fact, the nature of the tyrant is complex and ornate, so it can be difficult to recognize it at the initial stage of relations. How to understand that a man is a tyrant, even if he is hiding under the guise of integrity, I will tell in this article.
Why a tyrant chose you
If you believe that cruel fate has unfairly distributed people to each other, then you are greatly mistaken. Perhaps this will sound cruel and cause a storm of indignation, but women attract women into their lives as a tyrant (abuser). People who, for one reason or another, subconsciously seek to be punished, find themselves the “executioner”. As a rule, timid good-natured ladies, as well as women with a victim complex, are at risk. At the same time, the situation does not change, even if men change.
There is a saying: "If a third husband is already beating in the face, then, most likely, the matter is not in her husband, but in his face." Even if a person is prone to tyranny, he can behave differently with different women. A strong-willed and strong lady is unlikely to tolerate bullying over herself, while a forgiving woman with a fine mental organization for years withstands violence, both emotional and physical.
See also: Domestic violence: causes, types, ways to combat
The conclusion follows from this: the tyrant man next to you is not accidental, this is a consequence not only of his actions, but also of your hidden appeal. The good news is that you can interrupt this endless rake dance.
How to become tyrants
Men prone to violence are conventionally divided into three categories. The former show aggression only in a state of affect, after which they tearfully pray for forgiveness. The second does not see anything shameful in regularly “educating” his wife and children through a strong word and slap. The third most dangerous: they are psychologically dependent on violence and do not see a difference in who to hit, a bully on the street or you for salted soup.
Tyrannical character traits are laid down in a person’s personality based on many factors:
Authoritarian methods of parenting in the family;
Lack of parental warmth and attention;
The abuser family practiced assault.
As practice shows, children who watched from a young age how problems in the family are solved through the use of force, in most cases, adopt a similar model of behavior. The character of a strong and authoritarian parent, with whom it is better not to argue, is the path of least resistance of the future abuser. Exerting moral pressure and physical impact, he deprives loved ones of the opportunity to express their own opinions, and therefore, to contradict.
How to recognize an abuser at the beginning of a relationship
The tyrant, knowing about his inclinations, carefully hides them at the beginning of the relationship. You fall in love with a strong, fun and charming guy. His temperament, assertiveness and desire to conquer you conquers you. But, when your fortress falls, be prepared for unpleasant surprises.
It is important to recognize the abuser at that stage before the relationship has fettered your arms and legs. A tyrant is characterized by certain character traits:
He is selfish
This can be seen on the first dates. He talks a lot about himself and has little interest in you. Moreover, the information that interests him about you is more like interrogation: place of work, material well-being, experience of previous relationships, and so on. In this way, he probes the soil and concludes whether he can get near you without any problems and obligations.
He is greedy
If at first the gentleman allows himself to lead you to a cafe or buys gifts, later such gestures become less and less. Why? His generosity was only an investment. And now you have to work it out. Needless to say, if greed manifests itself immediately: the metro instead of a taxi, a walk in the park instead of going to a restaurant, gifts for the action or their complete absence. Do not justify the tyrant’s greed by his frugality and remember that the stinginess of such people is not only in his wallet. She is in the shower. The tyrant is poor in the manifestation of emotions, because he focuses only on himself.
He is very jealous
This item stems from the previous one. Greed and jealousy always go hand in hand. Many women are flattered by the zeal with which men seek them and how they defend it against rivals. A tyrant in a relationship not only designates territory, he turns a woman into his property. At the same time, he finds reason for jealousy even where he has never been. The object can be your colleague, childhood friend, boss and even relative. Yes, jealousy for children and parents is also often manifested. As a rule, an indefatigable fervor breaks the abuser through loud scandals, which are often accompanied by beatings. The next day, he can assure that this will not happen again. Do not believe it. If he fell on you and you forgave, this means one thing: the tyrant has already settled on your neck, and does not plan to get off her.
He is increasingly annoyed
Dissatisfaction with everything you do, how you look and how you behave - this is a clear sign that he began to show his true face. What he loved you for now is annoying. It may be accompanied by taunts and offensive phrases thrown at you. The abyuzer does not disdain and dismantlings at witnesses.
It provokes you to pity
A male whiner is far from always a weak and helpless person who has become a hostage to an evil fate. Often, under the mask of a martyr, a skilled manipulator hides, whose victims are compassionate women. It is on their shoulders that he puts the solution to his problems. It is noteworthy that the abuser is always to blame for the failed life of anyone, but not himself. Shifting responsibility is another hallmark of a tyrant. Perhaps he is not inclined to prove the case using fists, but moral pressure on his part is no less destructive. Especially if you do not pull this burden "five".
He totally controls you.
It is important for him to know where and with whom you go, how long you get home, who is in your circle of contacts. At first, this can be interpreted as caring, however, the abuser has nothing to do with this feeling. If he took control of your life, get ready for the fact that he will not agree with some of its aspects. For example, he can “scratch” your phone book and delete from it all the numbers of familiar men. It captures the time for which you must get home and requires a report on every extra minute. He believes that your friends influence you badly, and demands to stop talking to them. The list of claims and ultimatums varies depending on the situation. However, the goal of control is the same - to completely subordinate you to yourself. Worst of all, rebellion is often suppressed by his heavy hand.
He speaks poorly of previous partners
In his opinion, all of them turned out to be unworthy of him and very disappointed. One only needs money, the other only intimacy and everything like that. Perhaps this is so. However, if a person hangs labels, scolds and belittles those whom he himself has chosen, where does the guarantee come that you will not join their ranks soon? Disrespect is another sign of a potential aggressor.
How to behave with an abuser
It is better if you identify the despotic nature of the partner at the initial stage. Breaking up with him will be much easier, and he will quickly switch to looking for another victim. However, what if you manage to start a family and live under the same roof?
If the partner believes that you should leave your job, in no case do this. A financially dependent woman is a tidbit for a tyrant manipulator.
In a conversation, don't be hypocritical. The tyrant quickly recognizes insincerity and enrages him.
Do not run from a tyrant immediately to another man if he has already appeared in your life. Jealousy abuser can cost you and your new chosen one.
Act in spite of the reproaches that will surely follow. The tyrant will try to suppress your will, devalue you as a person and convince that without him you are nobody. These are only attempts to keep you and no more. Leave right after aggression has followed from him. No need to give yourself and him to come to his senses, otherwise the situation will happen again.
Do not waste time preparing it for a break. Act fast. However, at this point you should be fully mentally prepared for this step. And to find the strength to end family tyranny, change yourself. It is important to feel your own value, develop self-confidence and enlist the help of those who believe in you.
Support in this case is more important than ever. Tell your parents and friends about the problem. In times of crisis it is important to feel a reliable rear and know that you are not left to the mercy of fate. Remember: it’s never too late to turn life in the right direction. The main thing is to know firmly that you deserve the best, and you will have it!