The UK Government is an IT-ocracy.

in #uklast month


People ask me all the time, what do I do? I mean, actually DO.

Well, my job in a way is to hope for the best and plan for the worst. Not necessarily in that order.

COVID is a risk, and you can mitigate against it. With in store policies. With personal policies. Wearing a mask, or sanitising or never leaving the house.

In a horror movie you can mitigate against a homicidal clown. You can NOT GO ANYWHERE NEAR A HOMICIDAL CLOWN. Do not accept his offer of retrieving your paper boat from the storm drain.

This? This is the UK government. The IT-ocracy.

I imagine Dominic Cummings striding the corridors of Westminster screaming "its a need to know basis, and YOU don't need to know!", maybe holding a red balloon.

I need to know.

The Grovernor casino group were told with 36 hours to go that casinos would not, in fact, be opening on 1st August. They had spent a fortune on anti-COVID precautions ahead of reopening. had brought 800 staff back from furlough. But hey, no heads up for them. What's a million quid between friends when it is someone elses' money?

Boris Johnson went on air back in march and he closed every shop with no notice. You just didn't get to reopen. We had a plan. An ordered shuttering - including actual shuttering. But hey, everyone has to do their bit - and do it randomly, with no warning.


Fear fires up your amygdala. It causes cortisol to flow through your body, readying your muscles to fight off evil clowns wherever they appear. JUMP SCARE! He's behind you. Pop goes the balloon.

Here's what I knew months ago.

  1. there would be a rise in R rates when lots of people went to pubs and got drunk, with no masks and no social distancing. Not rocket science.

  2. Muslims often host big family gatherings to celebrate Eid.

  3. There would be problems with the supply chain for Zendikar.

  4. at some point there would be a second wave. And we'd see it coming because the European rate would rise the week before ours, like it did the last time.

  5. there would be a case for a second lockdown.

After a while its less of a jump scare and more of the slow instrumental build up of the sinister Jaws music. der....dum.

It starts when a product is solicited. der.... dum. And we are expected to pre-order it. Don't go into the CELLAR WITH ONLY A TORCH! You. Are. Going. To. Need. A. Bigger. Boat.

The Daily Mail article, testing the waters. Hahaha it was the neighbours cat making that noise, not the serial (business) killer. Not yet.

der.... dum. der.... dum.

Now in swathes of the North you cannot make journeys, except to work or to education. But businesses aren't closed. Because we don't need customers. When we close now its our own choice. Unscripted.

People have to plan. People have to stay in business to support their staff, to cover their salaries, to cover their mortgages. What is a mortgage but a long term plan for security. They moved the gravestones but they didn't move the graves. Mortgages and salaries and spreadsheets and sales projections rely on rules, financial rules, mathematical rules. There may be an art to retail, but there is a science to it too. The longer you have to plan, the more robust the plan can be.

der.... dum. der.... dum. JUMP SCARE!

Here come the fucking killer clowns again! Its always the neighbour's cat until its not. And then its TOO LATE. And you are all alone in the dark, with Matt Hancock whispering that we all float down here.

There was always going to be a need for more testing when schools went back. Families quarantined. Children pulled for a cough and sent home. I had my own scare - and negative test - this last week. I had PLANNED for the possibility of that - I'd taken myself off work rota. I could anticipate that months out - why couldn't Dido Harding?

It's the start of flu season. Cases are rising. Fatalities still remain low. You could see that happening in Europe, just as surely as with a little bit of digging you could find a spate of suspicious deaths every 27 years when Pennywise woke up.

Yet still we are surprised. Even though we went knowingly in to see the movie. Jump scares aren't big or clever. They are the first trick we learn, to hide in the dark and shout boo at the unsuspecting.

The Amygdalaville Horror.

We can't leave town. The bridge is down. Just us and our cortisol against the world. The more we are gaslit and shocked, and shocked and gaslit, the less in control we are. The more afraid we are. And eventually we all just stand in the corner and wait for death, like the ending of the Brexit Witch project.

And that's not how I want to go.

So if we are going to be allocated on stock. If there's a danger, I need to know. Because THAT part of my life is the only thing I get any control of what so ever.

Oh, and COVID of course. Because it turns out I can mitigate pretty effectively against that. Wear a mask, avoid crowded poorly ventilated spaces, sanitise. Turns out Jaws isn't so big a problem if you don't go in the water.

But the fucking clowns? They'll get you every time.

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