Ulog #8: My Jumbled Thoughts

in #ulog3 years ago


I’ve been very distracted lately. I’ve been meaning to write for days now. I haven’t because my life and my current circumstances have just got in the way. I can be quite focused when I decide on something. It can take months to get there but once I’ve made the decision there is no stopping me. I become obsessed with it and that’s all I can focus on.

As a woman I should be better at multi-tasking and I am to a certain extent. When it comes to my mind, however, I just get tunnel vision. If I fixate on something it consumes me. Everything I do is directed in achieving it and that’s exactly what has been happening the last few weeks. I feel like I’m finally nearing the end goal and that’s probably why my mind feels a little bit less distracted to actually write something.

Before I sat down to write this I had a read through some of my other attempts at writing my thoughts down and lets just leave it at, a jumbled thought disaster, which would have made no sense anyway. You see I’m focused on the goal. It’s just that my internal negative self-talk also ramps up. That’s my background noise. It can be quite jumbled, and I jump from one thought to the next as I try and pull myself back to the goal.

Sometimes I wonder if I make it harder on myself so that I feel more deserving. Like if it doesn’t take hard work and persistence then I don’t deserve it. Maybe it’s because I’ve always believed that in to achieve anything you need to work hard. You need to find a way to overcome challenges and have some kind of amazing success story to spin one day?

It’s an interesting thought. Why in heavens name would I put myself through all the extra mental torture? I have no idea. I think it’s because I always think about every possible outcome. I think about how the decision will affect others more than how it would affect me. I know that this is what I need to do but I doubt my decision. I feel like I’m letting someone down or I doubt what making that decision will mean in the future. These type of thought patterns go around and around in my head. I’m actively driving for it to happen, but I feel guilty.

It’s weird to dissect it like that. I sound like someone who can never make up their mind hahaha. The truth is I do, I just deal with all sorts of thoughts as I move towards making it a reality. By the time I get there I’m exhausted. Proud and happy, but also exhausted. You don’t even want to begin to imagine the thoughts that start up then. This is probably where fear comes into the picture. There I am, and I’ve done it. Now I’m petrified that I am going to fail or regret it. You see that’s my main problem, I think too dam much!

I’m almost there. I’m so close and yet I’m so petrified at the same time. I know that the petrified side is coming from that negative side of me. So, I’ve been focusing on the below quote all day:

“Start over; my darling. Be brave enough to find the life that you want and courageous enough to chase it. Then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to.” – Madalyn Beck

Thank you for reading and remember to keep smiling 😊
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You certainly are not the only one who overthinks & end up with a mind overfull so no wonder it feels all jumbled up!
It's like reading about myself - I also tend to fixate on something and obsess till it's done - may be a good thing, or perhaps not?
But trying to compartmentalise stuff - live in the moment and just do what you have to do today. Always remember to take things step by step, you can after all only do one thing at a time - do not over-multitask! That's also not so good.
By the way, my friend is proving the doctors wrong - a major turnaround in her condition - so looks like she's going to have one heck of a story to tell one day! She's literally come back from death!
And always remember to keep on smiling - you should check out a post by a lady called @zen-art about smiling, you will love it :):)

That is amazing @lizelle. Truly wonderful news and love it when it works out that way. I'll definitely go and check it out. Thank you.

I find the same thoughts run through my head daily as I vlog. You are definitely not alone.

Nice to hear that I am not alone in this @hezziebees.

I love declines). Very beautiful!

@jusipassetti - OMG you sound like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! hahahahaha!!! But now all I want to know is WHAT IS IT that you have had yourself fixated on?!?!?!! curiosity is a killer I tell you! lol

But seriously love - these little obsessive curve balls NEED to happen! They give us focused PURPOSE! (terrifying as our negative chatter may make it feel).

You ARE incredibly strong - and even if I didn't know you the little virtual bit that I do, I would STILL say SAME! So, like many tell me.... sit it out - enjoy the process and the excitement / nervousness which it entails... you obviously know in your heart that the ultimate outcome is going to make you smile from the inside out... so let that be your peace of mind!

MWAH!!!!

Yes it really is @jaynie. Just been trying to get back into my career after taking a very long break. Decided to go back and face my fears.

Thank you so very much for your amazing words of encouragement. It means so much to me and I really appreciate it.

Time to face the music, as they would say. I'm excited and petrified at the same time xxx

@jusipassetti venting is always advised and I did a little bit myself in today's post. It helps us to take a look at ourselves. Beware however of stress, as it's bad medicine. Take some time out for yourself and can the guilt feelings! Blessings!

That it is @papilloncharity. I've become very mindful of that myself. Thank you very much for your kind words.

Best to write ideas down, how often we think of a great thing we would love to chat about, yes normally as you going to sleep these thoughts creep up on you, by the morning all is forgotten.

Leaving you in a quandary, then doubting Thomas steps in you go on with thoughts in square circles in the end accomplishing naught!

Oh write things down, pencil and notepad next to the bed if necessary, information overload also stresses us out, take time and enjoy!

Thank you very much @joanstewart. Very good advice indeed. I write everything down now otherwise I forget hahaha.

It is all here for you now.
Imagine just for this minute, everything is perfect and is the way it is supposed to be. How does that feel? You can think this thought anytime you feel like it.

Writing is a great release also good job!

Thank you @photobe. Beautiful way to think about it and I will keep reminding myself of just that. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

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