Ulog #8: My Jumbled Thoughts
I’ve been very distracted lately. I’ve been meaning to write for days now. I haven’t because my life and my current circumstances have just got in the way. I can be quite focused when I decide on something. It can take months to get there but once I’ve made the decision there is no stopping me. I become obsessed with it and that’s all I can focus on.
As a woman I should be better at multi-tasking and I am to a certain extent. When it comes to my mind, however, I just get tunnel vision. If I fixate on something it consumes me. Everything I do is directed in achieving it and that’s exactly what has been happening the last few weeks. I feel like I’m finally nearing the end goal and that’s probably why my mind feels a little bit less distracted to actually write something.
Before I sat down to write this I had a read through some of my other attempts at writing my thoughts down and lets just leave it at, a jumbled thought disaster, which would have made no sense anyway. You see I’m focused on the goal. It’s just that my internal negative self-talk also ramps up. That’s my background noise. It can be quite jumbled, and I jump from one thought to the next as I try and pull myself back to the goal.
Sometimes I wonder if I make it harder on myself so that I feel more deserving. Like if it doesn’t take hard work and persistence then I don’t deserve it. Maybe it’s because I’ve always believed that in to achieve anything you need to work hard. You need to find a way to overcome challenges and have some kind of amazing success story to spin one day?
It’s an interesting thought. Why in heavens name would I put myself through all the extra mental torture? I have no idea. I think it’s because I always think about every possible outcome. I think about how the decision will affect others more than how it would affect me. I know that this is what I need to do but I doubt my decision. I feel like I’m letting someone down or I doubt what making that decision will mean in the future. These type of thought patterns go around and around in my head. I’m actively driving for it to happen, but I feel guilty.
It’s weird to dissect it like that. I sound like someone who can never make up their mind hahaha. The truth is I do, I just deal with all sorts of thoughts as I move towards making it a reality. By the time I get there I’m exhausted. Proud and happy, but also exhausted. You don’t even want to begin to imagine the thoughts that start up then. This is probably where fear comes into the picture. There I am, and I’ve done it. Now I’m petrified that I am going to fail or regret it. You see that’s my main problem, I think too dam much!
I’m almost there. I’m so close and yet I’m so petrified at the same time. I know that the petrified side is coming from that negative side of me. So, I’ve been focusing on the below quote all day:
“Start over; my darling. Be brave enough to find the life that you want and courageous enough to chase it. Then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to.” – Madalyn Beck
Thank you for reading and remember to keep smiling 😊
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